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The Mia Noi Conundrum
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I cheat on my wife. Yeah, it doesn’t sound real nice but that’s what it is. Its not that overall I’m a bad guy; I don’t steal, scam, screw kids or preach religion and I do make sure I’m an excellent father. I do love my wife very much and do my best to be the caring and good husband that she deserves. The problem is that I cant fathom being with just one woman for life.
I didn’t want to come to Asia, in fact I did it as a favour to my wife which of course is quite ironic. My wife is Lao and we were married 7 years ago in Oregon when I met her while buying a suit. I had promised her I would take her home within 5 years to see her family that she hadn’t seen in 10 years. When I won a trip to Thailand for business I realized this would be the time I could fulfil my promise and get it over with.
We decided that she would go to Laos immediately and I would stay in Bangkok for my meetings for a week and then go to Vientiane. I invited an old friend to go with me and he couldn’t pass up free food and a 4 star Westin hotel. As I watched my wife’s plane leave we were already getting excited about what to do next. We started by walking down Sukhumvit just seeing the sights and living the glory of a Bangkok rookie and that’s where we met Daeng.
Daeng is a tout and he turned out to be the best friend money could ever buy. He of course proved his worth from start to finish by telling us all the horror stories of the mafia and freelancers. He also told us how dangerous the bars were and that probably the only places that we would be safe were the places where he could take us and thereby earn himself the biggest commission. I’m ok with Daeng, after all everybody has to make a living but we tired of him quickly.
After a couple days of hitting the “untraditional” massage parlours I decided I just wanted a normal massage and went to a place on Sukhumvit. I had heard that these girls weren’t hookers and all I wanted was a massage anyway. That’s where I met the woman that has captured my imagination ever since. We hadn’t been in our room together for even an hour and the session turned into something beyond the traditional massage. It wasn’t sex immediately as the rooms were too transparent but we were definitely close and when I met her again after work back at my hotel we had a night together that I still reflect on from time to time. I then spent the remainder of my week with her.
I had in only a few short days become addicted to Thailand and in love with a woman I hardly knew. I never lied to “Oy” and told her right off that I was married. We seemed however to be, if not in love anyway, extremely infatuated. I quickly arranged for another trip 3 months later and we would talk on the phone at least every week and sometimes more. My next trip was for 2 weeks and we were inseparable. In fact my friend who had also come back was slightly annoyed as he wanted to chase skirts a little and I wasn’t interested. I only had eyes for Oy. I used the excuse that because I was married I felt there was less risk of a disease by staying with one woman but the plain truth was that I was falling in love.
When I left I became very depressed and was obsessed with how to get back to Thailand and back to Oy. It was very difficult for me to get back both with coming up with excuses for my wife and work so I wasn’t able to plan another trip until the next spring 8 months later. In the meantime we had weekly phone calls and there was plenty of “kit tung, kit tung” etc..
Now I may be dumb but try not to be entirely stupid and I figured I wasn’t the only person she would see. I would always call her at night in Bangkok and I never missed her. As she always answered the phone I thought maybe everything was going according to plan. I guess I was hoping it was just the usual hand jobs but deep down I knew more was going on. I rationalized it by saying everybody needs to make a living and I’m not supporting her so it was ok with me as long as it was me she was in love with.
With my next trip coming in February 2006 I was extremely excited however fate was cruel and my mother suffered from a condition that kept her in intensive care for 3 months and although she is only 64 we thought on several occasions that she was going to die. My trip was at first postponed and then she got sick again and I was forced to cancel altogether. I needed to help take care of her. I was responsible and even though my heart ached terribly at not seeing Oy I had someone who needed me more.
Obviously there was an extreme amount of stress in my life. I was so busy everyday making life and death decisions that I was often unable to talk to Oy with very sporadic exceptions. After about 3 months of this I wrote an email to Oy telling her that she deserved better than me, I wasn’t able to come visit and she was better off without me in her life. Two months slowly, painfully ticked by and although I didn’t stop thinking about Oy we didn’t speak at all. Finally when my mother was better I sent her an email just to see if she was ok and she responded quickly asking me to call her again. So I did and…after talking a couple times she admitted to having met someone. I was heartbroken, I felt like I had been punched in the gut but this pain would not go away. She told me she wasn’t sure if it was going anywhere but even though she loved me I don’t live in Bangkok and he does. I told her it would be ok as long as he was a good person and would be a good partner for her but inside I was reeling.
My next trip was late in the summer and although we still talked on the phone I noticed she wouldn’t always pick up. In other words I knew I was in trouble. A Thai girl that doesn’t answer her phone is a Thai girl that is with a man. My wife was with me on this last trip but Oy said she wanted to see me so I came up with an excuse and got away for an afternoon. We met on Sukhumvit and it was just like old times again and soon we had rented a hotel and were seemingly awash in love again.
After we made love she told me she had agreed to move in with her new boyfriend. I tried to play it off and joked that I was now her “pua noi” and things went well enough but I noticed that she would only see me during the day and was unwilling to take a risk to be with me. Fair enough I figured as I hadn’t always been reliable in seeing her, had told her to move on and she has… supposedly anyway. Now she says on my upcoming trip she wants to see me everyday before she goes home to her German boyfriend.
Now I have several dilemmas; for one thing these meetings feel like short times and I don’t care for short times or I wouldn’t have ever had a relationship in the first place. Another dilemma is this new boyfriend; How would I feel if somebody was banging loads into my girlfriend every day before I kissed her to welcome her home? I do know she also has another boyfriend from Florida who speaks Thai so if it isn’t me she’ll be into somebody anyhow, but still… Lastly, I’m in serious love with her and it is very uncomfortable when she’s in and out in 2 hours and I cant live the fantasy that she’s not a plain hooker. She is also very hot and cold so I’m also getting annoyed as well as a Thailand education in “3rd world love” and what it really means. The funny (stupid) thing is that if she played her cards right I probably would be dumb enough to support her for life. Well maybe not now but I would have earlier.
Anyway, for any of you readers that are still with me my question is this; Can a farang with enough money get away with having a mia noi? What is a guy to do that feels the need to roam but is put off by short term trysts? I’m hoping some of you out there know people like me that feel this same way and I’m hoping your willing to give me any input you might have on any ideas or anyone that has made this work. If I found the right woman I wouldn’t mind if they got old and grey right along with me. Am I crazy???
Is it feasible? I have changed names obviously to protect the guilty.
Signed,
Patsy
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13 responses so far
September 6th, 2007 at 10:08 am
Dude, you are the man. But openly telling everyone about it is pushing your luck.
September 7th, 2007 at 6:20 am
I’ve been there done that. Believe me, punishing yourself over Oy is not going to do you any good. She’s only a piece of pussy man! Get that in your head. There are plenty of others, some probably even better. Don’t waste your time agonizing over things you have no control over. Concentrate on the life you have. It sounds like you have a good wife, family, life. Keep them in mind and don’t squander them.
September 8th, 2007 at 2:09 am
You have exactly the same problem I have. I have a wife I love to death but cannot be with one person for the rest of my life. I have tried to brainwash myself that if she doesn’t know and I am as good to her as I have always been than what is the harm in cheating. I admit and understand now that I cannot stop and if it ruins my marraige someday than my marraige would have lasted longer because of it than if I never cheated at all. Without cheating I would be a horrible husband I am sure, I would be so consumed with the thoughts of cheating and so angry that I could not endulge that I would be a totally different person. It is the ugly truth that I am not afraid to admit.
Long story short, is that from my experiences in life, you cannot get away with anything forever. Sooner or later your 2 worlds will collide. You have done the right thing by telling the truth to the thai girlfriend from the start because I had a similar situation but failed to tell the truth about my marraige and was a fine hair away from having everything ruined by a thai girlfriend who called my wifes cell phone. When I was in Thailand on my 2nd trip to see the thai GF, my wife was calling my Thai cell phone and the Thai GF wrote down the number from the caller ID to see who it was. The thai GF thought my wife was just a girlfriend and when I went back home and didn’t pick up my phone she called the other number to find out where I was. I have been able to lie to my wife enough to make her believe that it was some mistake and that my SIM card was lost in Thailand so this was the result. Dear god I thought my marraige was over at that moment. When the trouble started, I realized something. I love my wife more than I ever thought I loved this Thai GF but was totally wrapped up in the moment and the feelings I was having. I was playing a very dangerous game of lies but did not want this fantasy to end.
I will continue to cheat until I die and hope and pray that I am never found out BUT I will be straight up and honest from the start if I ever decide to have a long term GF on the side.
To answer your question again, I think the 2 worlds will collide at some point because you will not be able to keep up with the lies and excuses forever. It sounds like you have the disposable income to provide for a thai GF and not be noticed by the wife at home and it sounds like a once a week phone call is a lot easier to hide than daily phone calls which was my case. The only thing I think is going to be tough is the excuses you will need to come up with for your trips to Thailand.
My advise (disclaimer to be inserted here) is stay honest and upfront with the Girlfriend from the start like you have been doing, keep the phone calls down to once a week like you have been doing, never give more money than you can afford,and hope that you are never caught by the wife. You sound like a very intelligent man and make the right decisions (i.e.- cancelling your trip when mother was ill which sounds like a no brainer but people have cloudy judgement when in love)…
The bottom line is this addiction is going to hurt us one way or another, we are either going to be worse to our Spouse because we are not feeding our addiction or we are going to be better happier husbands because we have fulfilled our inherent needs. The only problem is that if we are ever discovered than we hurt someone we care about (wife) and she does not deserve that. Best of luck and if you find the answer to your question, please share with a person in a similar situation….. you can email me at visdugs@yahoo.com
November 2nd, 2007 at 8:40 pm
You are chasing an illusion.I want to tell you to stop doing what you are doing and go back to your life.I was married to a lovely lady after knowing her for years. I staryed in my marriage and divorced my wife to be with this woman,only to find out that it just wasnt worth it.You sound like a good man with a decent life to go back to.Try and see the little things that attracted you to your wife in the first place.Go back to your life and leave this woman.She is a hooker,however romantically you may look at it .Wwe tend to be facinated and drawn towards women who appear to be helpless and wild.This is a quicksand.Have your fun if that means so much to you ,but let it be that.No slut can take your wifes place.Rememebr the words” Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?to hold and cherish till death do you apart? i am a hindu but these words ring in my mind..god bless you and take the right decision..
November 9th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
In the same situation. Have a Filipino wife (40) who is very attractive and loyal, and looks 25, and a Thai Mia Noi (30). Mia Noi knows about the wife and is comfortable with it. Been going on for 2 years and no troubles so far. I look after them both (financialy and emotionaly) and care deeply for them both. I am very happy and so are they so what’s the problem? Some guys were not meant to be “one woman” people.
November 24th, 2007 at 1:44 am
i understand the not wanting to be with just one woman thing,,,,,,but supporting two woman,,,,thats just stupid, i have a Thai Wife, i was able long ago too talk into threesomes, we were out one night, we both were a bit drunk, i brought it up (i think it was more of a joke) she agreed and she went a and talk to a woman, next thing i knew i was banging them both, she has told me she doesnt like it all the time, but she wants me happy, and i take advantage of it whenever i can, so prob between 1-2 a month she get me a woman, she want to anything with them, but she has licked nipple and kiss them, but she will let them go down on her,
so my life is Good
November 24th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
[...] wrote a submission a couple months ago entitled “The Mia Noi Conundrum”. If you read that you’ll perhaps remember what a sad, dumb sod I can be sometimes. I [...]
November 26th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Cheating on your wife is a sin no matter how many reasons you give to try and make yourself sound like a nice man.
February 29th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
What is it with farang men and “hired” Thai paramours? I recently found out that The Boyfriend went through such a faze as well, waaaay before we met. That was a long time ago, thanks heavens, but it still really pisses me off to think about it. Which reminds me, I have to write about it soon-ish =)
June 12th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Sorry I think you are just immature and inexperience and just need to bang and get involved load more chicks to get over it. I went through what you did when I first arrived in Asia.
If you bang enough girls you reach the point where you only want to have sex with your loving wife. You will be in Nana surrounded by gorgeous hookers and only think about having sex with your wife or X years of marriage.
Just need to do some growing up…. Good luck.
June 14th, 2008 at 5:16 am
My father had a man-to-man chat with me when I was a teenager. I clearly remember him telling me, “Son, a man needs a woman who can cook and clean. A wowan who is good with money and can raise a family. A man also needs a woman who is beautiful, sexy and wild in the bedroom. It is absolutely essential that these two women never meet”. There’s no denying it. I need my wife and I need my Mia Noi.
June 14th, 2008 at 5:28 am
Thailand solves the Madonna-hooker complex, it seems.
June 17th, 2008 at 5:55 am
@Union: Priceless!! LOL