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The next morning arrived like a volcanic eruption. I awoke just before midday to one of those only too familiar moments of confusion. What happened last night? Who is this in bed with me? Oh dear, there appears to be two people in this bed with me.

Tuk and Meow showered as I lay on the bed trying to recall all the events of the previous night. I was in a sort of daze not quite believing what had happened but feeling as happy as I had ever been. Last night had not been an illusion, I had met two beautiful ladies, had a great time, visited some bars and a karaoke and then made love with them both. They were now ordering breakfast for us all as they laughed and had fun in my hotel room. Thailand truly was a paradise.

We hadn’t discussed money the night before and as they undoubtedly wanted paying I was keen to get it right. With Nok it had been easy, we had already agreed a price for our day out and I then added some for the night we spent together. The same for the second night we spent together. That seemed like such a long time ago now as I heard room service knock at the door with our breakfast. In came a trolley laden with food pushed by an attractive lady I had seen a couple of days before working on the reception desk. Tuk and Meow helped her unload the food onto the table and I gave her a tip for the effort it must have taken pushing our trolley along the corridor. From what I could see my friends had ordered the entire breakfast menu twice over and more. There were sausages, bacon, tomatoes, eggs, rice porridge, prawns, rice, 3 or 4 bowls of soup, coffee, tea, orange juice, milk, cereals in little boxes, various types of fruit and cold meats. I didn’t really know it at the time but Thai women can eat like horses and sure enough Tuk and Meow got stuck in. I was still a little worried about the question of payment for the night before and didn’t want to appear as though I was stalling so as I was eating I made to tidy my things. As I was doing so I placed some Thai notes next to their handbags which were next to the TV. They seemed oblivious to what I was doing as I hoped the amount of money I had left was acceptable to them.

Even after years of visiting Thailand, eating with Thai’s in restaurants, in their homes, in hotel rooms and on the street I have not quite got used to having food taken off my plate or taking food off other peoples plates. I guess I’m just territorial with the instincts of a Staffordshire Bull Terrier when it comes to food. As I watched Tuk and Meow eat I was transfixed by the easy and informal way they went about things. Brought up to think meal times were a formal event, elbows by my side, don’t talk with your mouth full, use the right cutlery and all the other rubbish we teach our kids in the UK, to see these two Thai ladies sitting cross-legged chattering away to each other was as refreshing as it was interesting.

With breakfast finished and the remnants tidily stacked together and placed outside my room door by Tuk and Meow the time to say our goodbyes had arrived. I was sad to see them both go, we had all shared some lovely times together. I kissed both of them on the cheek as they did with me, we shook hands and hugged as they retrieved their bags and money from beside the TV. Nothing was mentioned about the money so I presume it must have been the correct amount. I watched them walk down the corridor towards the lift and waited until I heard the lift bell signalling their departure.

I have listened to hours of discussion by farang men concerning the correct amount of money to pay a bargirl/freelancer/go-go girl for a short time or a long time. My way of thinking is if you are happy to pay the money and the lady is happy to accept the money then you have the price exactly right.

My hotel room seemed empty after my two friends had left so I got my camera and went off in search of some photographic opportunities. I passed my tuk tuk driver friends and the barbecue stall as I was full to the brim after the enormous breakfast I had just been subjected to. Making my way to the main road to flag down a taxi I spotted a dog in a pretty bad way with what I took to be some sort of skin infection. It had lost all the fur from its hind quarters and its skin was red raw from where it had been scratching. This saddened me as I thought it unlikely it would receive any help from an organisation such as the RSPCA or PDSA and would probably die a painful death. It also got me thinking about the dangers of living in Thailand where the safety net of social security just doesn’t exist. I have since learned there is a rudimentary health care programme for all Thai’s but it is no use pretending it is comprehensive. This is probably why there are so many pretty young ladies who are willing to sleep with farangs such as me for money and is a discussion that is far too wide-ranging and in-depth for a sex tourist like me.

I arrived at Silom Road by taxi for a wander around. I took some pictures of the very impressive buildings and toyed with the idea of visiting Geoff in his hotel. It was a couple of days since we had met and a few beers and a chat seemed quite a good idea. I knew the name of the hotel Geoff was staying in and quite literally stumbled upon it as I took some pictures. I went to the reception to find out if he was around. The lady behind the desk resplendent in her very smart uniform smiled and called his room. She passed the phone to me and Geoff invited me up. I entered the lift with his room number, floor, right out of the lift and then ……. ringing in my ears. Geoff answered the door in a dressing gown and immediately invited me in. Sat down on the couch was a very attractive Thai lady wearing a matching dressing gown with the hotel motif displayed on the top left hand pocket. I shook hands with her and she introduced herself as Pim. Pim was probably about mid-thirties and very confident. Not at all like a bargirl. She was sipping red wine from a glass and smoking a very long cigarette. She had styled hair with elegantly painted finger and toe nails and wore her gold casually. I think Geoff could see I was impressed; he excused himself to the bedroom in order to change while I sat down and chatted with Pim. I didn’t get the, “how long you come Thailand” or “you hab lady?” rather I got the “what do you do for a living” angle. This was certainly interesting. Having lots of questions for Geoff he appeared and we went downstairs to the hotel bar.

“Where the f**k did you find her then?”

“Accident really, I popped into a hotel I was passing for a drink the other night and just got talking to her”

“She’s fit …… and posh, is she on the game?”

“Presume so, not mentioned money though, claims she used to live in England and was married to a foreigner”

(At this point it is fair to mention that as Geoff is American, England could be anywhere in Europe)

“I’d imagine she won’t be cheap”

“You bet”

“Guess what happened to me last night in Soi Cowboy”

And another nights festivities began.

I waited in the hotel bar while Geoff returned to his room. The bar was pleasant and was sparsely populated by business types taking an afternoon drink. Not the sort of place I would usually drink but pleasant nevertheless. Geoff returned after 20 minutes or so with Pim who had discarded her bathrobe and was now wearing a smart but suspiciously creased grey skirt and jacket clutching a bag that was too large to be a place for putting her lipstick and foundation in but too small for an overnight bag. I guessed she earned her living hanging out in high-end hotels looking for customers who weren’t the beer bar or go-go bar type. We sat down and Geoff ordered a round of drinks. Pim didn’t say much but I could tell she had spent some time in the west judging by her mannerisms. She seemed self-assured and comfortable in her surroundings smoking long cigarettes and exhaling the smoke slowly and deliberately. I warmed to Pim very quickly as her manner betrayed a wicked sense of humour and a throaty laugh. After a couple of drinks Pim said goodbye and kissed us both on the cheek before she sashayed through the revolving hotel door and out of Geoff’s life forever.

I ordered another drink as we discussed our plans for the coming evening. I had no specific plans but was aware I was to be going home in a couple of days. I hadn’t yet visited Nana Plaza so we resolved to go there at some point and although I didn’t mention it at the time I felt I wanted to visit Nok in order to put a ghost to sleep.

Geoff is very much a go-go bar person so we spent the early evening visiting a couple of go-go bars on Soi Cowboy. We passed the bar where Tuk and Meow worked but there was no sign of them outside and not wanting to interfere with our plans for the night we walked straight past to another go-go bar. Inside we took a seat to the rear of the establishment, I find sitting right up at the stage leering at the ladies close up is a bit too pervy for me. It is also a little quieter too away from the stage. We were soon joined by a bevy of beauties who draped themselves all over us in a big pile of Thai girl. Enjoying the attention we bought a few lady drinks and enjoyed the fun. Some of the girls lost interest and took their turn dancing on the stage as they were replaced by more girls willing to drape themselves all over us in an abstract Picasso painting kind of way. After an hour or so we were both draped out and decided to visit Nana Plaza but not before going for something to eat. On my recommendation we stopped at the same street stall I had visited the previous night for my pork kebabs. I was showing off a bit as I turned my kebabs over the hot coals. I was engrossed in my cooking and only briefly took my eyes off the food to have a look where Geoff had gone. There, not 6 feet away from me was Nok. She stood, arms crossed, feet together looking at me. I was speechless, I didn’t know what to say. I glanced at Geoff who was busy taking the telephone number of a go-go dancer dressed in a red cape wearing gold boots with two red flashing horns on her head.

“Hello Nok, how are you?”

“I cry”

“Why do you cry Nok?”

“You not come see me”

“I’m sorry Nok I was busy”

“My ladyboy friend in bar say you wave her”

“Yes Nok, I saw all your friends in the bar but you were ill”

“Yes, I go loom hab food poosenink”

“Remember Geoff, Nok?”, I gestured towards Geoff who was still talking with the caped crusader.

“I lemember Geoff, I cry you”

“Listen Nok, I will call you tomorrow morning”

“Ok, you call, I cry”

“Bye Nok”

Nok turned on her heels and walked towards her bar. It was nice to see her again and now I had an excuse to call her.

{ 4 comments }

I love the smells and sounds of Thailand. There is an ever present aroma of cooking, ginger, chilli, garlic and other exotic herbs and spices along with grilling meat and fish and the sounds made by the constant drumming of the som tam pot. I find it mesmerising and fascinating in equal measure. Soi Cowboy has its fair share of street food stalls catering for the girls and tourists hungry for food and fun.

I decided to get something to eat before embarking on an heroic bout of drinking. A barbecued meat stall selling the lollipop stick chicken and kebabs of pork was my first stop. I bought some pork and an omelette with some rice and then walked a little further down the soi for some slices of mango, in all costing me a little over a pound and jolly good value. I sat down outside one of the many go-go bars and ordered a Heineken from a solidly-built young lady who had the strong features of Issan and the eyes of somebody who had probably seen too much in her short life. As usual I had bought far too much food for myself and asked if she would like to share as she delivered my drink. Smiling she accepted my offer of a ladydrink and pulled up a chair to begin tucking into our evening meal. Her English was pretty good and her smile was dazzling. She had a sort of effervescence about her which I have since found many Thai girls have and is absent from girls in the west. This effervescence is difficult to define or describe but is unmistakeable when you see it. Her name was Tuk and she originated from Udon Thani, a place I had never previously heard of. She kept leaving our table outside the go-go in order to serve customers but her friend had emerged from the darkness inside the go-go to lend a hand. Tuk, like most Thai ladies, needed no excuse to smile. Her DNA was infused with happiness as she bounced around on her chair telling me about Udon Thani whilst crinkling her nose up in the way that Thai’s do which makes farang men go weak at the knees. Tuk wasn’t a classic beauty but had an aura that was deeply endearing. Already beginning to forget Nok I was taken with Tuk’s presence …… and her large firm breasts.

Even though it was barely an hour after leaving Nok’s bar I had done a lot of thinking and had suitably chastised myself for getting too emotionally attached to Nok. I needed to sort myself out and that meant finding another girl to act as a sticking plaster for my wounded pride.

Tuk was just finishing the last remnants of our evening barbecue when the thought crossed my mind that an ideal candidate for the sticking plaster was now smiling at me chewing some mango. I decided not to make any hasty decisions I might regret later and ordered another drink for myself and Tuk. Tuk’s friend had now taken over drink
delivery duties and brought us our drinks. She stopped to chat with us in between serving customers. It seemed Tuk and Meow were sisters although they looked anything but, Meow was slender and quite tall for a Thai girl and had Chinese/Thai features as opposed to Tuk’s northern Thai features. Anyway, sisters or not they made a very pleasant pair of drinking partners. The time passed as it does in Thailand with lots of laughter and very little else. Nok was well and truly pushed to the back of my mind and my attention was now fully on Tuk and Meow. They tried to persuade me to step inside the go-go bar but I was enjoying myself outside in the Bangkok night air. Besides what could possibly be better than enjoying a few drinks with a couple of lovely ladies on a warm Bangkok evening?

As the night wore on I felt the need to move on. I had meant to go to Clinton Plaza but as I was enjoying myself so much I dismissed that option but a change of bar was called for. I was enjoying myself with Tuk and Meow and didn’t want to leave them alone so I decided to take them with me. I asked them if they wanted to come and they seemed happy to do so. I paid the barfine and after a few minutes wait while they collected their bags and got changed we trooped off into the night. In fact we moved only a matter of yards before they spotted another sister/friend and we all plonked ourselves down outside another go-go.

This was exactly as I had pictured Bangkok and Thailand to be. Warm evenings, exotic ladies, the senses on fire and more fun than I could imagine. The only cloud on the horizon was my return to work but that could wait, I was living life and enjoying it without reservation for the first time in years. Life was good.

After a few drinks in Tuk and Meow sisters’ bar we ventured a few more doors down the soi and entered a go-go. Go-go bars have never been my thing, I find them too dark and restrictive with the music too loud for conversation. I enjoy conversation and being in the outdoors not in an anonymous room unable to speak. I was also with two very pretty young ladies, why would I want to sit around watching other ladies dance? Well, the entertainment wasn’t sliding up and down a pole, or female. The entertainment was some guy dancing. Not on the stage as is the norm for drunk farangs but at his table. He was obviously drunk or on drugs or both but he had an amazing ability to dance in a bendy toy kind of way. It was great fun to watch, Tuk and Meow thought it was entertaining too and applauded him with gusto as he was escorted from the premises by two serious looking heavyweight Thai door staff.

It was now getting late and Meow told me the bars would soon be closing. I didn’t want to leave for the hotel yet as I felt the night was still young so when Tuk suggested we went for some karaoke fun I immediately agreed. I still had a very recent memory of my first night in Bangkok where things had gone a bit strange so I had a fleeting moment of wariness but this soon passed as I jumped into the taxi at the end of Soi Cowboy. Thankfully we hadn’t hailed a Porntaxi as we weaved through the Bangkok night traffic heading for a karaoke bar. I sat in the back of the taxi with the girls who were in high spirits, as was I. After about 20 minutes we arrived in a small quiet anonymous soi, I paid the driver and entered what looked like the front door of a shop with huge blackout curtains. Inside was like entering the Doctor Who tardis, the place was packed with Thai’s all drinking and having fun. As far as I could see I was the only farang there but didn’t feel as if I was intruding on anybody’s territory. Nobody took any notice of me as we sat down with our drinks which was a good sign. I sat in the middle of the girls as they leant across me chatting in Thai probably discussing whether the farang would want to take one of them back to his hotel room later on during the night. I was just happy to enjoy my time and live in the moment.

It was soon the turn of Tuk and Meow to sing which they both did, serenading a rather embarrassed me with a Thai song. I hadn’t a clue what they were singing but it sounded nice – doesn’t anything spoken in the Thai language sound nice? The drinks were flowing and the time was getting on. I knew now the decision had to be made as to whether I would be taking a girl back to my room and if so, which one? They were both fun girls and attractive in very different ways, Tuk with her lovely smile, effervescent personality and large firm breasts or Meow with her quieter voice, slender body and beautiful eyes. I needed some quiet to help me make my decision so I excused myself to go to the gents. I knew that whatever decision I made I would immediately wish I’d chosen the other girl so I did it on the toss of a coin. Meow won so I returned to the girls to ask if Meow would come back to my room for the night. As I returned to my seat they both looked up at me with their happy faces and it was at that moment I said, “would you both like to come back to my room tonight?”. They smiled and nodded.

I hadn’t applied just a sticking plaster, I had applied a huge great plaster of paris cast.

{ 9 comments }

Nok left in the morning after listening to me snore for 8 hours.

I decided to have a lie in and go for a late lunch. I had noticed a very attractive lady working at the tourism and excursion desk in the hotel lobby. She always smiled when I passed and as I had now learned to wei and say sawasdee khrup at every opportunity we were on speaking terms albeit rather basic speaking terms. I walked down to the lobby wearing my best cargo shorts and a silk shirt I had purchased the previous day with Nok. I spotted my prospective new friend sitting at her desk trying to convince a German couple that a trip to a temple in Bangkok was a great idea while the husband of the couple was probably thinking a trip to Soi Cowboy was infinitely more preferable. The German couple dealt with my friend looked up to see me standing in front of her in the middle of a huge wei and a sawasdee khrup. Looking slightly startled she returned my greeting as I sat down. My plan of action was to ask her to recommend a restaurant for a late lunch and then invite her to come along with me. A fairly simple exercise one could be thinking but sadly not on this occasion. She decided that an evening meal on a boat was what I needed and no amount of pleading from me would change her mind. Sensing this was a conversation that was going nowhere I decided to terminate our meeting in order to find some food. This was the last time we spoke even though we exchanged smiles each time our eyes met in the lobby.

I walked out of the hotel into the early afternoon Bangkok heat. There was a barbecue meat stall outside the hotel catering mainly for tuk tuk drivers so I decided to stop and see what was available. I opted for a piece of chicken encased in a couple of lollipop sticks which I was invited to reheat myself on the vendors portable grill. I soon got the hang of this by watching others and rapidly got into conversation with some tuk tuk drivers. The chicken was delicious and after swapping some banter about football teams I left the tuk tuk drivers to their lunch and ventured up the road. I hadn’t really been for a walk close to the hotel so I decided to head towards the main road where I had spotted what seemed like a small shopping centre the previous day. The small shopping centre turned out to be nothing more than an outdoor market with a difference. In one corner was a workshop making up suits. I guessed at the time, correctly or incorrectly, that this is where the notorious Indian tailors bring their orders to be processed. Still a little disappointed at my lack of success with the tourist desk lady I flagged a taxi down and asked to be taken to one of the big Bangkok shopping centres. This was to be my first experience of the now defunct Porntaxi. A taxi with a DVD on the front dashboard showing hardcore porn. These were all the rage some 8 to 10 years ago but thankfully seem to have died a death in recent times. The Porn King appeared to be very pleased with his dashboard toy and much as one would mimic the voice of a SatNav he was parroting the voices of the porn actors. This may have been partially amusing in the early hours of the morning after a kegful of Heineken but at 1pm on a hot and bright Bangkok day it just seemed out of place.

Leaving the Porn Palace I was on the hunt for a place to eat preferably with air conditioning. I discovered a restaurant that looked to be part of a chain. The staff all wore uniforms but more importantly all looked very very pretty. I’ve seen this chain since in MBK but cannot recall the name. The concept is you order raw meat and vegetables and a waiter or waitress brings a box containing hot coals and slots it into your table. You then cook the food yourself. This works fine in a group and I’ve been to many open air restaurants since called “mook atat” where you pay a fixed fee of 100 – 200 baht and enjoy a good feed. I can especially recommend one quite close to Phra Khanong BTS. This was eerily different as the waitress plonked herself down next to me and proceeded to cook my grub for me in the style of a geisha girl. Not quite knowing what was going on I found conversation difficult which was compounded by the fact it appeared the girl couldn’t speak a word of English. My English sense of decorum prevailed and I dutifully ate the food she kindly put in front of me silently. On reflection it would probably have been the done thing to at least buy the girl a drink, invite her to share my food or even offer to barfine her but sadly none of these ideas occurred to me at the time. The awkwardness of the situation led me to leave prematurely as I contemplated what to do with the rest of the day.

Thankfully Thailand came to the rescue with the unexpected. There was a massive traffic snarl up so I decided to just wander. I chose to explore some side soi’s and spent an hour or two watching som tam sellers pulverising the ingredients of their pots, pavement CD vendors selling their wares, massage girls attempt to seduce single men at the side of the road, stressed policemen directing traffic and motorbike taxi’s weaving their way through static cars. I eventually ended up on Sukhumvit Road where I stopped at a bar for a refreshment or two. There I met my American friend, Geoff. Geoff is a dentist from southern California. He has now sold his business and retired to Thailand. At the time he was considering making the move. We have enjoyed some riotous times since we met and meet up around twice a year in Thailand. Geoff doesn’t put any roots down in Thailand, preferring to move from place to place when he chooses. The day we met turned into an epic marathon of excess including a visit to the bar of my new friend Nok at Asoke Corner. Geoff acquired a friend on our travels and all four of us ended up in a restaurant somewhere near Sukhumvit eating enormous prawns from a grill.

After eating what looked like the entire contents of the Andaman Sea we went our separate ways, Geoff with his new friend and me with Nok. Even though I had known Nok for only a couple of days I knew she was a nice girl and I wanted to spend more time with her before my painfully short holiday finished and reality reared its ugly head.

In hindsight I can see what was happening, I was growing too fond of Nok. This was not a road I wanted to follow although I didn’t really see it clearly at the time. Fate later dealt a hand which changed things somewhat but this served as a wake up call.

The next morning Nok left early and I again had a lie-in. I was determined to lay off the booze until at least the evening so I decided to ride the Skytrain and spend time just observing people. This may seem odd to some but I enjoy people watching, always have done. I stopped outside the hotel for some chicken and a chat with the tuk tuk drivers, bought a large bottle of water and got a taxi to the nearest Skytrain. The next couple of hours were spent riding the Skytrain, getting the feel of Bangkok and exploring the Skytrain stations. My curiosity suitably satisfied I headed towards Asoke and an appointment with a Dutch beauty.

Alighting the Skytrain and climbing down the steps from the station I decided to visit the bar where Nok worked. In the cold or should it be warm light of day it seemed a rather sad place to be. It stood almost empty with a girl asleep on the counter, the chairs placed in a group by the corner of the bar and a fan making the only sound. A cat lay at the entrance from the pavement daring anyone to enter. I hurried past not wanting to look too hard as if reality would kick in and my illusions would be shattered. Nana Plaza is another place I like to stay clear of during the day. A fun and happening place at night but somehow a sad place during the day. Like an old cruise liner who has seen better days.

I walked past the Offshore Fish and Chip Bar choosing to enter Soi Cowboy from the opposite end to Asoke. First on the left was the Old Dutch restaurant where the Dutch beauty awaited me. I sat down inside cooled by the air conditioning and ordered a stampot, my Dutch beauty. Stampot a traditional Dutch dish which takes many forms but is typically mash and a big meatball with gravy. Also in the restaurant were a group of guys who appeared to be businessmen dressed in suits and ties along with one Thai girl. As I have mentioned before I am an avid people watcher and this gathering gave me the ideal opportunity for a period of observation. The businessmen were deep in conversation and even though I couldn’t hear their voices as they were hushed, I got the impression they were American. There was obviously sort of deal going down as they became quite animated at times but the nature of their dealings were out of my earshot. The most noticeable observation was the fact the Thai lady uttered not one word neither was she spoken to. The most likely scenario’s ran through my mind, was she a bargirl picked up by one of the group either during the course of the day or for a long time? Was she the partner of one of the group? Was she a company employee brought along for the negotiation but this seemed unlikely due to her silence. However, her presence looked out of place regardless of her role. If she was a bargirl, was it appropriate to bring a girl along for a business meeting? Anyway, the conclusion to my period of people watching was inconclusive with a lot of unanswered questions. This brings me to another point that fascinates me about the transient form of relationships in Thailand. I have noticed that any relationship with a bargirl, if more than just a few days, becomes very intense very quickly. As sex tourists more often than not we tend to put this intensity down to the cunning of the bargirl whose only motivation is to wheedle as much money out of us as possible but is this strictly true, are bargirls getting a bad rap? We all know the concept of a holiday romance. The intensity, the first kiss, the moonlit walks, the hurried utterances of devotion. Is this just the same as a brief dalliance with a bargirl/prostitute?

Leaving the Old Dutch I returned to my hotel for a snooze before planning to visit Clinton Plaza, a place I had read about on the internet. I woke up refreshed and ready for the night ahead. Geoff had told me a horror story about an accident he had seen involving a tuk tuk. The passenger had apparently been decapitated when the tuk tuk had veered off the road. This didn’t surprise me as if I was going to invent a road vehicle that meant certain death if anything went slightly wrong I would invent a tuk tuk. Complete with no seatbelt, a close proximity to the road surface, sharp steel edges and drivers with deep-seated racing driver fantasies they are mobile death machines. They are also great fun. I decided to give my tuk tuk driver friend a wide berth and hailed a taxi. My intention was to meet Nok in her bar, have a few drinks, take a wander down Soi Cowboy and then on to Clinton Plaza.

The taxi dropped me off at the Asoke end of Soi Cowboy and I made the short walk down to Nok’s bar. The bar was quiet but without the emptiness I had seen earlier on in the day. I looked around for Nok who I presumed must be in the ladies room or getting something to eat. I was by now well aware of her love for any form of deep-fried insect or small amphibian. Her work colleagues quickly ushered me to the table I had made my own over the past couple of days while I made my drinks order. They all seemed very happy to see me which I thought quite strange as I had hardly spoken to any of them before. Never mind though, they were all very pretty and it was no chore having a chat. I spotted the ladyboy who Nok and I had met on the river a day or two before who seemed to be shyly hanging back, I waved in acknowledgement which brought a smile. I bought a couple of the girls a drink and sat down to wait for Nok to come back. I noticed some frantic telephone activity behind the bar which I took to be some Thai business that was being sorted out. I now suspect it was frantic telephone activity due to my unexpected presence. About 15 minutes passed as I sat down, drank my beer, talked to the girls and waited for Nok to come back. I found it strange nobody had mentioned Nok or told me where she was as it was obvious I had visited the bar to see her. I eventually asked one of the girls when Nok was coming back but she just smiled and asked if I wanted to play a game of Connect 4. Knowing my knowledge of Thai customs was sketchy at best I was not concerned and agreed to play the game but at the same time was a little perplexed as to where Nok was. I dutifully lost at Connect 4 and bought my opponent the obligatory ladydrink before looking at my watch and realising I had been in the bar for over 30 minutes and still there was no sign of Nok nor had anybody as much as mentioned her name. I got up out of my seat and walked over to the cashier who was busily shuffling check bin slips and asked her if she knew where Nok was. Her expression was one of surprise as her eyes darted around the bar desperately seeking some help from another girl. Even at this point I thought the problem might be the language barrier and waited for someone to come to the assistance of the cashier. After a few seconds one of the girls came over. I had seen this girl before and I think she was a friend of Nok’s as I’d seen them talking intently one night. I noticed the ladyboy back into the corner sucking on a straw emerging from a glass of what looked like Coca Cola while watching the events unfold. Nok’s friend explained to me that Nok was ill but could be coming to work later that evening. This was when the penny dropped, Nok was with a customer, there was no doubt in my mind. I had forgotten Nok was a prostitute, a bargirl in Bangkok and had let the romance and fantasy of the past few days cloud my judgement. Nok was earning a living just like I was going to have to do when I got home back to the UK. I had forgotten that I was just a customer, a paying customer who paid money to Nok in order to have sex with her. That was the bottom line. I felt cold and hot at the same time with the realisation of what had just happened. I felt a sense of relief, surprise and a certain amount of humour at what had just been unleashed. I noticed that I was being watched by all present including the ladyboy who had now emerged from the corner still sucking on the straw and watching me intently. I wasn’t really sure what to do next so I just sat down in my best couldn’t give a f**k way and continued to drink my now flat and warm Heineken. I had Nok’s number but decided against calling her as she obviously had other things on her mind and didn’t need me calling and anyway what could I say? She wasn’t my girlfriend, I was a client of hers who paid for her time and at that present moment somebody else was paying for her time …… and her body. I finished my Heineken and walked slowly towards Soi Cowboy alone with my thoughts.

Soi Cowboy unfolded before me, the neon and confusion, girls holding cardboard signs offering “99 Pretty Girls and a Few Ugly One’s” and “Happy Hour 60 baht Singha”. This cheered me up. I was now in Soi Cowboy, single with no ties. And, as I had been told numerous times during the past couple of days, I was a handsum man.

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The things regular travellers to Thailand take for granted were all new to me. One thing that struck me was the ever present “condom” provided with my Heineken. Not having encountered one before I was unsure whether to keep my bottle within the receptacle, take it out when drinking from the bottle or leave the bottle in the condom at all times. After observing fellow drinkers I followed suit and kept the bottle in the condom. I now felt a little more like a local.

The bar I sat in prior to my first sojourn into Patpong is probably well known to many readers. It is opposite the KFC or McDonalds fast food outlet outside the entrance to Patpong. It has changed hands a couple of times over the years and has now taken on a somewhat temporary feel. When visiting Patpong I always call in for old times sake. The thrill I felt on my first visit is only slightly dimmed these days. A feeling of excitement, anticipation and happiness seems to follow me around when I am in Thailand.

Steeling myself for Patpong I finished my beer and hesitantly crossed the road. Entering a place I had only ever read about but feeling I knew the place already I strolled slowly to my first Patpong bar. There I met Sai. I was wearing a Nike t-shirt with the motif, “Just Do It” emblazoned on the front. Sai greeted me by repeatedly shouting “Just Do It”, “Just Do It”. That was the start of our short friendship. Ordering a beer I sat down in the steamy sweaty thoroughfare that is Patpong. Early evening, I watched people passing by looking at the bars, the girls, the sights. Sai had now sat down next to me and I heard for the first time questions that would become so familiar to me. “How long you come Bangkok?”, “Where you go?” “How many times you come Thailand?”, “You hab lady?”. All questions delivered with the cutting skill of an FBI investigator and designed to work out my baht potential, not that I knew it at the time. I answered all as truthfully as I could while enjoying the attention of a beautiful young lady.

I met another Englishman hailing from Newcastle who told me his story which was to turn out to be so familiar. He worked offshore in Brunei on a 4/4 rotation and had a mia noi in Bangkok. His wife in the UK was under the impression he was on a 6/2 rotation. Enough said. A lovely guy, lots of fun, straightforward and he enjoyed a drink. Much like 90% of the people I have met in Thailand over the years. His girl was probably nearing the end of her bargirl days and looked upon the geordie as a nice little pension pot. Everybody happy. They were regulars at the bar and while Sai and the Geordies girlfriend clack clacked away he gave me some tips which have stood the test of time, are simple and should be remembered by all travellers to Thailand.

1. Never make plans.
2. Ladydrinks add up.
3. Thailand is a fantasy.

We all had an enjoyable hour or two and I undertook my first barfine, Sai. This is where things get a bit hazy. I am a seasoned drinker, I drink excessively and I am fully aware of the effect it has upon me. On this occasion to this day I cannot explain what happened. It had never happened to me before and has never happened to me since but for this evening I have long periods of no memory whatsoever and moments of amazing clarity. It may have been the jetlag, circumstances, drink or I could have been drugged. I simply don’t know. Anyway, I am here to tell the tale so I presume nothing disastrous happened.

After leaving the Patpong bar my next memory is of sitting in a huge Chesterfield type chair with Sai talking to a ladyboy. This is fleeting and I then have a memory of being in a rather swish hotel bar with another English guy and then another memory of being in a hotel room with a rather attractive young lady and a pile of money on the bed. I also remember watching an outdoor talent contest at some point. Everything else is a blank until I woke up in my hotel.

It must have been a good night.

So, my first day and night in Bangkok had been exciting, enjoyable, surprising and unpredictable. Much like the hundreds of other nights and days I have spent in Thailand over the past decade and I wouldn’t want it to be any different.

I spent the next morning shopping in various outdoor markets for souvenirs to take home and wondering what happened the previous night. Various taxis ferried me around as my pile of shopping grew to the size of a small planet. Eventually I could carry no more Buddha ornaments, counterfeit football shirts, fake designer jeans and various trinkets so by mid-afternoon I decided to return to the hotel for a well-earned snooze making a mental note not to order an in-house massage. After a satisfying and sometimes fitful sleep the evening festivities became my top priority. I went in search of my tuk tuk driver friend. Sure enough he was parked outside the hotel. I approached him requesting a ride to Soi Cowboy. Sadly I was made aware of tuk tuk driver etiquette when he told me his friend would have to take me as it was not his turn in the queue. I agreed a price with his friend which seemed somewhat expensive given the rate for the previous day but hey, what is a pound or two? Another hair-raising tuk tuk ride followed and I was dropped off at what I now know to be Asoke Corner. Asoke Corner today is a world away from what Asoke Corner was a decade ago. Then, it was a collection of small outdoor beer bars, now it is a huge concrete and steel office building. Thinking I was at Soi Cowboy I sat down in one of the bars and ordered the now compulsory Heineken. I was soon joined by a tall willowy lady whose name has drifted into the midsts of time but I shall call her Nok. Nok was probably early thirties with a knowing manner, good English and a killer smile all developed no doubt through mingling with farangs in bars over a number of years. She would prove to be a regular drinking companion during my short stay in Bangkok and we would spend many happy times together. She is a lady I would truly love to meet again if it were ever possible.

I had heard all manner of horror stories concerning Thai ladies’ legendary ability to fleece foreign men out of their money, belongings, houses and anything else they can lay their hands on. As time has gone on I have realised that the only men who are fleeced let themselves be fleeced. Thai women are no different from women anywhere, let them walk all over you and they will.

I was understandably wary of Nok to begin with and I think she sensed this. I now knew a large part of Thai bar culture was ladydrinks. I well remember that Nok never asked me for a ladydrink. I noted this and as a result was more than generous with her. I asked her if she would spend the next day taking me around the sights of Bangkok, the river, the Royal Palace and anywhere else she could think of. We agreed to meet up the next morning at Asoke BTS. During our conversation it became apparent I was not at Soi Cowboy at all but Asoke Corner, much to the amusement of the bar staff, a number of customers and, to the best of my recollection, anyone within earshot. Promising to meet Nok tomorrow I finished my drink and took the short walk to Soi Cowboy.

Soi Cowboy was nothing like I expected it to be. I’m not sure exactly what I expected but Soi Cowboy is one street about a hundred yards long with bars running the whole length on both sides all lit by neon. I soon discovered it is a treasure trove of beautiful ladies. I can’t remember the names of the bars I visited or how many I visited but I started at the Asoke Corner end and worked my way along. I remember getting very drunk and ending up in the Old Dutch restaurant at one point later on in the night. The Old Dutch is a Soi Cowboy institution where at one time good food at a reasonable price could be had. Sadly it seems to have gone downhill over the past 3 or 4 years and I now only pop in for a beer and a seat outside to watch the Soi Cowboy girls arriving for work in the early evening. A few minutes watching the comings and goings in the early evening on Soi Cowboy are worth a thousand words.

Soi Cowboy was to become a regular watering hole during my first trip and has become a favourite place whenever I am in Bangkok. The more visits I make, the more I become familiar with the characters that hang out in the soi. There are certainly some very interesting people there.

My second night in Bangkok ended like so many others in Thailand. Enjoying a beer and watching the world go by while being filled with excitement at what tomorrow may bring. I was not to be disappointed.

I awoke the next morning with a sore head. Understandable given the amount of beer and vodka I had consumed the night before. My room wasn’t the most luxurious but it was pleasant. I had a small balcony of which about three quarters was occupied by an air conditioning unit. My bedroom had a TV, a bed and a desk with a chair. The bathroom had a toilet and shower over the bath just like countless thousands of others dotted around the massive city of Bangkok. I have always had a strange relationship with hotel rooms, on the one hand they are my safe anonymous sanctuary in unknown places and on the other hand they are a place to be avoided when there is fun to be had. I had to leave mine as there was fun to be had.

I caught a taxi to Asoke Corner in order to meet Nok as my tuk tuk driver friend was out on a job/in bed/drunk/visiting his gik. I arrived at the allotted time to be greeted by Nok. She looked nothing like I remembered her from the night before as is so often the case with women. Luckily she looked more attractive than I remembered her as our day got off to a better than expected start. The night before we had decided to criss-cross the river on the public transport boats and visit the reclining Buddha, Royal Palace, ride on the BTS and eat at a typical Thai restaurant. We agreed on a price for the day which in the end turned out to be excellent value and I think Nok went away well pleased. The boats that criss-cross the river are a delight (or is that just me?) I love the hustle and bustle watching people go about their business, the same goes for the BTS. Watching Thai people go about their daily lives far away from the bar scene which is as much as many of us farangs see. Nok negotiated the intricacies of the public transport fare system, the Royal Palace dual pricing and all the other things that Thai people take for granted and us farangs just don’t get. She also had to hand a pocketful of change for us to drop into the contribution boxes at the reclining Buddha. A real trooper. Nok took me shopping for yet more trinkets which was fun to watch as she haggled, walked away, returned, frowned, advised me and did all she could to get me a good price. She didn’t have to do this but I think she enjoyed showing off for me.

Something I have noticed that happens in Thailand a lot happened to me for the first time during our day out in Bangkok. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been with a Thai girl shopping or on the BTS or in the back of a baht bus and a friend of hers from the bar or her room randomly appears out of the blue. It is uncanny. Out with Nok on the river boat she first bumped into a friend of hers from her bar, in fact I had been talking with her the night before and hadn’t realized she was a ladyboy, she also had a customer in tow. Later on at one of the boat stations we met up with a sister/friend, never quite sure as to the true relationship because lines are sometimes very blurred with Thai women. I’ve found random these meetings are a common theme with Thai women and sometimes lead me to think they may be arranged in a way to show the farang off although I certainly can’t imagine any self respecting Thai girl wanting to show this farang off to her friends.

After a hectic few hours we decided on something to eat. Nowadays I am happy to sit down at a street stall and tuck into noodles or khao pad kai but then I knew very little about Thai dining apart from what I’d seen in UK Thai restaurants. We stopped at what I now know to be quite a hi-so Thai restaurant. A quick look around confirmed to me there were no other farangs eating which suited me just fine. Nok ordered some delight for me with my only request being some hot chilli or, as I now know it, pig nam pla. I horsed the lot down along with the chilli not really taking much notice of my dining companion as I was ravenous but I soon became aware of her giggling to herself. I asked her why she was laughing and I could see from her expression the reason was me. I then became aware of a giggling behind me at which time the penny dropped. The Thai’s in the restaurant had obviously clocked me ordering the pig nam pla and watched me shovel it into my farang gob with gusto. Probably not used to seeing many farangs in the restaurant and certainly not many who ate vast quantities of chilli they found the spectacle amusing. I too found it amusing and stood up and made a small bow much to their further enjoyment.

It was now getting towards late afternoon and my thoughts turned to should we say more romantic endeavours. I liked Nok a lot, she was good fun, very attractive, warm-hearted and most importantly available. She was also a prostitute. Having sex with a prostitute is about a clinical act, no emotion, minimal attraction and fulfilling a need. Sex with a prostitute is most certainly not to be with someone who is attractive, good fun, kind and a friend. I thought this until I visited Thailand. Having sex with a prostitute in Thailand is different to having sex with a prostitute in the UK. I don’t know why, it is just different. There is more fun, it is more acceptable, there is no taboo and a million other reasons, it is just more natural.

Nok joining me in bed just seemed like a natural extension of the wonderful day we had spent together. We had met 24 hours before, become friends, had fun together, ate together and had now made love. Isn’t this how it should be?

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My love affair with Thailand started a decade ago, I had recently finished university as a mature student and was trying to put off for as long as possible the inevitable return to work. For many years I had listened with envy to friends and work colleagues regaling me with tales of their trips to the exotic Far East and hankered over fantasies of warm evenings sipping cool beer in the company of mysterious and beautiful ladies eating food I had only ever bought from a takeaway and listening to tales from other travellers of the delights the Far East has to offer. After 4 years of study and a stressful month of final exams I was suddenly left with a major decision, was I going to find a job or would I have a final blowout before the drudgery of work commenced again. My time at university had coincided with the growth of budget airlines enabling me to take short trips in Europe which had fuelled the love of travel I had felt for as long as I could remember. I now wanted to experience travel further afield than the relative confines of Europe leading me to take a short trip to New York where I read parts of Papillon by Henri Charrière while sitting in Central Park. This cemented my desire for travel and on my flight back to Heathrow I decided to book a flight to Bangkok at the earliest opportunity.

My excitement was curtailed somewhat by the news I had a job interview 10 days after touching down. Were my plans to be cancelled or would I press ahead regardless? I decided to book my flight to Bangkok the very same day I returned from New York. I now had 6 days in Thailand that were to change my life forever, although I didnâАЩt know it at the time. The job interview would be dealt with on my return home.

I caught the early morning bus to Heathrow arriving at some ungodly hour for a check-in with Turkish Airlines and a short stopover in Istanbul on the way. The excitement I felt was tempered by the realisation that normality was to return to my life in a few short days and I was to make the most of my short holiday. The flight with Turkish Airlines was unremarkable marked only by the extortionate price of beer in Istanbul airport and the facial hair of the Turkish female cabin crew.

After retrieving my bag at the old Don Mueang airport and negotiating customs I found myself in an environment that was to become so familiar during the intervening years. The hustle and bustle, the voices, shouting, smiling faces, confusion, excitement and most of all the heat and smell. The heat and smell even now, some ten years after, are things I never forget and have grown to love. I booked myself a hotel room at one of the numerous agencies that lined the airport concourse probably paying over the odds in the process but I didn’t care at the time, I just wanted to see, hear and taste Thailand.

A taxi driver sped me into Bangkok giving me the now familiar hard sell about his services during my stay. The name of the hotel I stayed in is long forgotten and during my Bangkok travels I have never seen it again. All I can remember is the long line of tuk tuk’s outside and a motorway bridge nearby along with a 20 minute ride to the delights of Sukhumvit Road and the surrounding areas. I had done a fair amount of research reading a Lonely Planet guide during the flight and printing out a few pages from the internet but I now know that plans are something you never do in Thailand and sure enough all my initial plans went out of the window within hours of checking in at my hotel.

Immediately after putting my bag down in my room I picked up the telephone and ordered an in-house massage fully expecting an erotic session I had only heard about in lurid tales told by friends who had trodden the Bangkok path prior to me. Wrong. A few minutes later a middle-aged Thai lady knocked on my door clutching a towel and a very large sports bag. She had a lovely smile but her appearance and demeanour gave me the impression that my idea of a Thai massage and her idea of a Thai massage were polar opposites. I invited her into my room where my first impressions were proved correct. She had a regimental air about her leading me to think her massage training had been provided by an elite Thai commando battalion where any form of sexual activity was frowned upon. Sadly the massage took the form of a severe beating and an hour later I paid her the required amount and she marched off intent upon inflicting a good hiding on another unsuspecting tourist.

After this disappointment I decided to hire a tuk tuk from outside the hotel and go in search of a massage establishment that catered for the type of massage I had in mind. After hearing of tourists being charged extortionate prices and being taken to places they didn’t want to go because the tuk tuk driver wanted his commission I was wary but my experience was completely different and just goes to show there are still some good guys driving tuk tuks in Bangkok. I told the driver I wanted to hire him for 3 hours and during the 3 hours I wanted to visit some sights, have a massage and stop at a few bars. We agreed a price which was considerably less than a fiver and off we went. First stop was a massage establishment where the type of massage on offer promised to be very different from the type on offer at my hotel. This turned out to be my very first “soapie” and was everything I expected it to be. Suitably refreshed I emerged out into the sunlight to find my driver reclining on his tuk tuk with a huge smile and his pockets undoubtedly bulging from the commission he had just earned from my visit to the massage parlour. Off we then went for a trip around Bangkok at break-neck speed to places I had only ever seen in pictures. The driver even regaled me, in his excellent English, with stories about the various landmarks we encountered. We stopped off at various bars when we passed one I liked the look of although he declined the offer of a drink and enjoyed a bottle of chilled water while I downed copious amounts of Heineken. The time was now drawing close to the 3 hour limit and early evening and I had the taste for some excess so we parted at a bar opposite Patpong and he went on his merry way with a smile as wide as the Chao Phraya River.

Patpong beckoned and a night of firsts began.

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If you’ve always dreamed about living in Thailand, you may want to sit up and take notice of this announcement from the government reported in today’s Bangkok Post:

http://www.bangkokpost.com/breakingnews/200241/english-to-be-made-2nd-language-in-schools

English to be made 2nd language in schools

* Published: 7/10/2010 at 06:50 PM
* Online news: Local News

The Education Ministry plans to declare English the second language for teaching and learning in schools with an aim to enable Thai people of the new generation to communicate with other people in Asean and world communities in English, Chinaworn Boonyakiat said on Thursday.

The education minister said he had discussed this matter with Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva and Finance Minister Korn Chatikavanij.

A plan to develop learning and teaching in English is being drafted by the Office of the Basic Education Commission (OBEC), he said.

Mr Chinaworn said in order to successfully carry out the plan it is necessary to have foreign teachers from countries using English as the mother language for all schools for Mathayom 4-6 level (Grades 10-12).

Schools for Mathayom 1-3 level (Grade 7-9) should at least have Thai teachers majoring in English.

Elementary schools should also have more English teachers, he said.

“After having enough foreign teachers and Thai teachers majoring in English, schools will then be able to arrange an English programme,” he said.

Mr Chinaworn said the OBEC will decide how many foreign teachers are needed, the Finance Ministry will be asked to provide budgetary support, and the Foreign Ministry will be asked to help recruit foreign teachers.

“We have eyed American teachers who are retired under an early retirement programme,” he said.

Mr Chinaworn said the ministry has tentatively set Oct 22 to declare English second language in schools.

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Have you ever been bitten by a cobra? One tried to bite me a few minutes ago and has been trying repeatedly ever since. It keeps hitting its head against the window. It doesn’t seem to know there’s a glass window between me and it. I can see its fangs. Its mouth is open wide. It’s now spitting venom at me and its venom is all over the window. I can’t get out of the house. Yes, I’m in Bangkok.

I’m sitting at the back of my friend’s house looking at the garden. There’s another cobra outside the front of the house too and that one is stopping me from getting out as well. Who said that one cobra trying to bite you is unfortunate, but two is negligent? I’ve rung my friend, but she’s not answering her phone. I’ll let you know as soon as she rings back. I want her to call in the snake catcher.

I’m sorry. I’ve been rude. You don’t know me. Let me introduce myself. I’m known by different names in different places. You look like a person of intense integrity, so I will tell you two or three of my secret, mysterious names on the condition you promise not to tell anyone else. Keep this between you and me. If you know you cannot honour this secret, then read, look and listen no more. Cover your eyes and close your ears. You’re still there. OK. You and I know what that means. One of my names, in translation, is The Mysterious Light, and another is Quick But Sure.

YOU! I know you. You owe me money. I didn’t know you were there. You were hiding in the dark You didn’t think I could see you. I can see you now though.You’ve been wondering where I’ve been. You want to know why you haven’t heard from me or seen me around. I will tell you. I’ve been attending the Dog Aversion Clinic. They’ve been trying to cure me of my dog aversion problem. They’ve been applying Dog Aversion Therapy on me for months. It’s otherwise known as DAT. They taught me how to write. I had to write stuff. I think I’ve been cured of DA now and I suspect that’s why the cobras are trying to bite me and stop me from leaving the house.

I wasn’t going to write today, but the cobras have made sure of it that I am. I was going to go out and take a stroll and think about Dog Aversion. I was wondering whether I was really cured of it or not. Then I was going to tell you about it, but that will have to wait for now. No. I’m going to tell you something else. I’m going to tell you what happened to me yesterday. You’ll be interested in that. I’ll keep telling you until my phone rings.

I was sitting in DaoNern (aka DN) in Lad Prao playing with my friend’s lap top. You might have seen me there. As you may or may not know, I sit in different places. I look, listen and get inspired. In DN, I usually sit with an empty cup, which I take there myself or borrow. Sometimes, people buy me a coffee and a sandwich. I look around hoping for the best

Let me backtrack a bit. I wasn’t going to get up yesterday. My friend said I could stay for free in her house as long as I liked after I was released. I was enjoying the comfortable bed, aircon and suburban Bangkok greenery. I was dreaming about klongs, parks, squirrels, cats and bananas. Then, rudely, as rude can be, I startled out of this reverie by a gigantic explosion. The aircon stopped. After a few minutes, courage overcame me. I peeped out of the window from behind the curtains. I could see a man peeing under a tree. Above him, on a branch, a green snake slithered downwards, then dropped on his leg. The man bounded backwards and screamed. Then I knew. This was a sign. I knew what it meant. It meant I had to get up and leave the house.

OK. Back in DN. There I was pretending to write stuff, looking around for some kind of opportunity when in walked, who I thought was, Wendy, but it wasn’t Wendy. I hadn’t seen Wendy for months. You know what it’s like when you’re expecting someone to turn up out of the blue and they all look like the person you’re expecting or thinking of. I met Wendy in Pattaya on the beach. I didn’t approach her; she approached me. We got talking, became friends and after that, she just turned up every where in places I hadn’t even told her I was going to. She would just come walking in. I don’t know how she did it, or does it. But yesterday, it wasn’t Wendy. It was just someone who looks likes like her.

The lady walked in the door, menacing. Stood still. Looked around, hands on hips, stiff faced. Then lasered on me, marched across and asked with a really noticeable attitude, “Where have you been? I’ve been waiting outside for an hour”. Now, I can tell you with hands on my head that I didn’t know who she was. But as she seemed to know me, I kept trying to think. Maybe she was someone I went to school with. Or perhaps, she had mistaken me with someone she’d met on an Internet Social Dating Site and I kind of fitted the description. She was beautiful though, as many are. Young, as far as I’m concerned, wearing a stylish, expensive black dress, not that I know much about fashion, carrying a black business bag. To me, she looked like a successful, rich business woman with tons of education as well. Her English was impeccable and she was clearly confident talking to an educated, rich looking farang like me, or so I thought about myself at that moment in time. Very often the way people treat me gives me an impression of what I think about myself and, in Asia, I’m treated differently to the way I’m treated in Fairy Land and vice versa. Maybe it’s the same for you.

I told her I didn’t know she was waiting outside and it must be a misunderstanding. She sat down, looked at me in the eyes and said I looked terrible. Now I know I don’t look so good. I’ve written about that before, but when you know you don’t look so good and then someone says you look even worse, something must be really wrong. I asked her what she meant. She said, “Look at you. Gaunt face, pale, pot belly, skinny arms and legs.You have to look after yourself.” With that, she walked off. I thought she’d gone for ever. I was beginning to wonder if she was some kind of nutter. I’ve met many nutters and still do. No, she came back with two creamy cups and a sandwich, which she pushed across to me.

“Don’t say anything,” she said as soon as I was trying to poke around finding out who she was. I had opened my mouth. I was going to ask her the old trick about how her sister was doing or her brother, but I didn’t need to. “I’ve got the money here in the bag, but first you have to listen to me.” Now, what are you thinking? Are you thinking the same as I was, yesterday? Maybe, I thought, she’s mistaking me for a blackmailer or perhaps an old friend from school or university or an old friend of the family. I didn’t know, but why did she want to give me money? I’m into this, getting free stuff, but this seemed like some kind of dream come true, even for someone like me.

I sat there, enraptured. In she came, I thought, looking beautiful, sexy, rich, caring and with attitude. “Why don’t we have a few drinks down at Khun Porn’s Pull Bar and, after that, back to your place?” I suggested. “And have a deep, meaningful, intelligent and interesting discussion?” she added. These words were never said. I just thought this and kept it to myself, but never said anything. Have you ever thought of something and just said it and then wished you hadn’t? Or, conversely, have you every thought of something you wanted to say, but didn’t, and, later, just wished you had? You and me too, but this time I was glad I kept the trap shut.

“You can’t go around expecting people to give you stuff for free,” she said. “You can’t go on like this for ever. It won’t last. I’m going to tell you how you can make money for yourself. Do you understand?” I nodded. I still didn’t know who she was, and I still don’t, but she seemed to know quite a lot about me and seemed to know who I was. She explained, I listened. I sat there entranced. I can still remember some of the ideas she imparted to me, even after a day. I’m going to tell you, and she gave me a huge amount of cash before we parted. Oh. The phone’s ringing. It’s my friend. Anyone who lets me stay at their house for free is my friend. I’ll answer the phone. I’ll tell you what the business lady told me later.

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Before I begin..

This is based on my experiences and those of some of my friends. This is by no means the definitive guide to Thai men and I am not so ignorant that I don’t recognise that there are good and bad men and women in all cultures. I know, as I’ve dated my fair share of the bad western ones! So I’m hoping many western women have had wonderful relationships with Thai men and have not experienced any of the issues commonly found in Western/Thai unions that I am about to discuss. I haven’t any of these women in my 2 years here, but I live in hope!

So this is why I personally wouldn’t I date a Thai man again! Take it as you will.
I’d watched so many friends get burnt before by Thai guys, I’d listened to their stories and never thought I’d leave myself open to such madness. But I did. They are very good at hiding their crazy ways.

Fake
The most fake of all fakers I have ever known was my Thai man. I’d known him for 4 years on and off as a friend and he seemed like such a sweet, kind, thoughtful man with the biggest smile I’d ever seen and a good understanding of western culture. Truth was that he knew just enough about western culture to exploit it. If you think you’ve found the rare Thai guy that seems to have a western sense about relationships and how to treat a woman, do your homework and make absolutely sure he’s for real or you may get burned. Like I did! And remember I knew the guy for 4 years previously! Goes to show you never really know people.
First off… meeting a Thai guy in a bar is a huge big no no.. This just shows that he most likely has a drinking problem (which is rather common and extremely hard to deal with) and also that he has learnt enough English to try to grab himself a trophy farang to show off to his mates. In a drunken stuper my Thai guy told me that this is exactly what it was about. Learn a bit of English and sweet talk the western girls. Kind of a sport they like to play, maybe perhaps because gambling is illegal here.
They will tell you romantic comedies are a favourite of theirs and learn how to romance you by studying the cheesy movies girls just love! How cheesy, but we fall for it, god dam Hollywood.

I was bombarded with sweet messages in broken English, fruit and flowers magically appeared on my doorstep, he’d giggle like a school girl around me and watched my every move in a group situation making me feel like the only one in the room. They sure know how to stir up some chemistry and they also know how to spot the weak girls that have their guard down. Perhaps like me their previous western relationship hadn’t worked out (I’d been cheated on) and it leaves you feeling a little insecure and venerable to attack.
Don’t be that weak girl.  You’re like a sitting duck.
Once operation romance is complete and they get into your panties, things make a dramatic change.  It took about 1 month before he was discussing the possibility of a ring!! The only ring I could think of was that of alarm bells.
Suddenly they want to OWN YOU.
Now this does not usually come to light until a bit later in your Thai relationship. It seems that at the beginning of most relationships you spend as much time as possible together.
It’s when you’ve grown tired of the language barrier and need some mother tongue chat (usually when you start speaking Tinglish and missing out words) that the true Thai nature explodes like dynamite and if you are not careful you could be battered by the blast.

Jealousy
Most Thai’s (in my opinion) suffer from extreme jealousy. Not just the men but women also. Its pretty hard to build a friendship with Thai girls with boyfriends because they are insecure and highly suspicious of you. They will send you “back off” vibes and then because you don’t want to keep trying to be friends with someone that thinks badly of you, they see your lack of friendliness as cementing their suspicion which makes them think they were right and you really were trying to steal their man. You really can’t win.

In my experience with my jealous Thai guy, if I so much as smiled near another man I would spend hours trying to explain something I didn’t even remember doing. I was given the cold shoulder for days after he would sting me with some hurtful, spiteful comment but stubbornly refuse to tell me what was wrong.  Understandably this gets frustrating. One time I was ignored because I was asked directions by a western male  backpacker. Another time I got an automated sales call in Thai and hung up just as he walked into the room. He was convinced it was my ex even after I showed him the phone and I received another cold shoulder day.
Jealous Thai men and friendly western backpacker women … DO NOT MIX
Which brings me to a previous point.

The language barrier.
Now it’s hard enough communicating with someone from your home town in a relationship, so having a boyfriend who’s English is limited creates chaos.

Oh it seems so cute at first, but then the most innocent of conversations turns into a constant battle to be understood properly.  This takes a phenomenal amount of patience, understanding and trust. 3 things in my experience many men (of all cultures) don’t have.
One very fine example is the word “funny”. Now we (native English speakers) all know that funny has more then one meaning depending on the context right. If I say “Its funny that in Thailand the Thai first name has no link at all to their nick name”.
I meant that it is strange to me being a westerner as mostly our nicknames are an abbreviation of our real name.
A Thai will hear this as “the way Thai people make up nick names is a joke!”
This happened to me and I was again brutally ignored, and received spiteful, hurtful comments. I had no idea what I had done that so deeply offended and he refused to give me any clues.
2 days of this and I finally find out what the matter was and laughing (as its so silly really) I went on to explain that I would never intentionally laugh at anyone’s name and went on to further explain that “funny” can mean strange/weird or that its something that makes you laugh. You know funny ha ha and funny strange.
4 Days later after total torture and repeating the same thing over and over, I can’t take anymore. I tell him that clearly he thinks I’m a rude nasty western b**ch and maybe it’s best we go our separate ways.  Only then, when the fear of loosing you and loosing face come into play, only then do they give in. So along with the language barrier came the stubbornness to see something for what it is and the reluctance to listen. Instead choosing the more destructive path of thinking he knew everything (he said this a lot) making things up himself and rolling with some wild story using it as an excuse to be purposefully rude, spiteful and hurtful. He could have just asked and discussed like adults. No chance. He loved the drama too much and wouldn’t back down as this means loosing face.
Common sense , stubbornness and loosing face

I forget sometimes that what westerners see as common knowledge might not have yet reached the masses.

A good example is nutrition. Kids are taught this in school back home. We know its bad but exercise free will as to whether we want to eat it or not.

I once made the mistake of exercising my free will, not to be force fed his Granma’s home made, crispy, deep fried, pig fat. He became instantly angry saying that he basically lived off them as a child and he was fine. (Never mind his weight problem) I explained that test’s have shown that deep fried anything is bad for your heart and cholesterol. He wasn’t interested in my explanation and I quickly understood the total lack of nutritional knowledge in Thailand and that I was at risk of making him feel defensive and dumb. I was right and his anger and ego made him see it as a direct attack on his ole Gran. I did try to explain that this was unknown years ago so his Gran would have had no idea. But alas, it was too late. I’d rolled on those egg shells again! Another 2 days of spiteful and rude behaviour for no real reason.

His fear of loosing face really took the fun element out of the relationship. You have to be on your best behaviour and be very careful what you say in case they misunderstand. Should you slip up in front of someone and your man looses face, you have just crushed the persona they worked so hard to create for themselves. Anyone even jokingly making fun of them is on their poo list. Loosing face is something I really struggle to understand. Why pretend to be something your not and then go nuts when someone calls you on it?

Which brings me to my next point…

Hypocrisy.

My Thai guy was such huge great big hypocrite. And he didn’t seem to understand what it means or how unfair and misleading this feels.

Thai’s like their chilli. I am western so 20 chilli’s is about 18 too many for me. But my guy refused to change his chilli addiction and then became deeply offended when I couldn’t eat the food he made. Saying that he won’t bother anymore, that I should cook my own things, how ungrateful I am and that I should just eat what I’m given. Then when I cook a roast dinner, pasta or other yummy western dish, he lets it go cold while he fries a damn egg to put on it. Then declares how horrid it is pulling a face and going off to cook his own dish.  This was highly annoying.

Hypocritically impatient

Now most men know that girls take longer to get ready then guys. Well in my case I could be ready in 5 minutes although that never seemed quick enough. (they are extremely impatient) So while I’m being impatiently rushed (even though he said we were leaving in 15 minutes) I panic, forget things and end up taking longer and feeling a little stressed out by the time we leave ready for a long silent bike ride to town.
Now I am an incredibly patient person. I wait around for as long as he needs to talk to his army of Thai friends, get himself sorted, or most annoyingly when they leave you somewhere while they “pop off for a minute” for over an hour to “sort some things out” (they will never tell you what) while you are expected to sit there smiling at their Grandfather who speaks not a word of English and can’t hear you even if you did happen to speak fluent Thai. Yes this happened to me.

But if I take 1 minute too long logging off of the internet I get the “you need to think about me and my time and what I need to do” lecture. Yeah I can think of over 1000 things I could have done rather then feel awkward around Grandpa while your off doing Buddha knows what.
But if you were to do the same, all hell breaks loose. The lack of anger control is terrifying to say the least. Clearly the meditation he was taught when he was 14 when he spent 3 compulsory months at the temple, really didn’t help him.  And this terrifying temper mixed with alcohol? Well this is something all cultures share. But my Thai man hid his true self behind his smile and religion. Just because he studied the teachings of Buddha didn’t mean he practiced it. In fact the most he would do is give an offering to Buddha and consider his sins forgiven. Much like the Catholics and confession. Like western culture he knew enough about Buddhism to exploit it.

He was very much the “do as I say, not as I do” variety.  We already mentioned the jealousy but that mixed with hypocrisy is baffling. He would accuse me of taking a shine to every man out there, while he would drive around shouting “hey sexy” to a friend of a friends girlfriend” and happily shagging half the town safe in the knowledge that they have you tucked away at home, far away from the men like them.

Cheating

Most Thai men cheat. It’s just the way things are here and you’d best be prepared for it. Ask any Thai girl. They don’t seem to be able to help it, maybe they see it as their right as a man. This is something I have seen time and time again much to the sorrow of my poor Farang friends who dish out all their backpacking money, only to end up going home with their tail between their legs wondering why he didn’t love them when they get caught out with some other unsuspecting backpacker. But you have to admire their acting and lying skills.  Most Farang never find out till it’s too late.
So, you’re at home while they are out and when you want some freedom it can turn into a battle. “Where are you going?, when will you be back?, who are you going out with?”

Controlling

Wow my guy needed to control a woman and he didn’t seem to know the meaning of the word trust.  Word of warning! It’s the ones that can’t trust and who get jealous that are like that because they can’t trust themselves. This applies to all cultures.

But you are not allowed to ask any questions at all when they go out. Women can’t control men in man world. Why they think they can control a western free spirited woman is anybodies guess. Most of the controlling mothers we are now half a world away from can vouch for that. Try to control most western women and you are left controlling your frustration when they leave you.

It can get so bad that they may even start to try to dress you and style your hair. Now I have a deep respect for other cultures and at my age I don’t prance around in mini skirts and boob tubes. So you can imagine my surprise when we go to the market and I have unintentionally employed a personal shopper who hasn’t the foggiest idea what I like.
Annoying.  I began to feel like a little dolly being dressed up and shown off to his friends.

Whenever I tried to say anything I was told I talked too much!

Thai men still to a degree view women as inferior, no matter how much they make you feel like a goddess in the early stages when they are trying to get into your panties. This is why we struggle to mix well with them. I mean there was no bra burning going on over here.  Western ideas on equality in relationships are slowly creeping in but the men appear to still fight it. We’ve come a long way in the western world but Thailand, beautiful as it may be, still has it’s darker side if you decide to sample what the men of this country have to offer.

After all, was it not Buddha himself that said that women can only hope to be reincarnated as a man because only men can be enlightened? Says a lot doesn’t it!

Final word

My experience ended with me fleeing like a fugitive amid death threats when I refused to return to such madness. I vowed never to return to a place that I loved, as I wasn’t about to find out if the death threats were empty or not. Unsurprisingly Thai guys have lost all appeal to me.

I was still being harassed and receiving threats daily by email (his only way to get in touch) months later and I was forced to change my email address and loose contact with good friends for fear that he will track me down somehow. Even though I seemed to annoy him and make him crazy jealous, he strangely thinks he loves me and we have to be together forever! Very fatal attraction and I seriously feel he would benefit from a stay in a mental hospital. Of course I understand that this should be a rare story and that maybe I was just unlucky, but when I moved into my new neighbourhood and shared my story I discovered my little hiding place had been a safe house for many other western girls fleeing their crazy Thai ex’s.

So apart from the misunderstandings, the hypocrisy, the drunkenness, the cheating, the spitefulness, the death threats and the controlling side of my Thai man. I can highly recommend them.

But this one was way too spicy for me.

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If you don’t live in the Kingdom, you might get the impression that since the red-shirt protests reached their violent conclusion four months ago things have settled down to stability and normalcy.

Well, “normal” and “stable” are often relative concepts in Thailand, but this week has seen a number of events pop up that show that the government is struggling… often with itself.

Stumblin’

You may or may not be aware that Thailand does not have nationwide 3G service. In spite of years of planning, no 3G licenses have been issued to mobile phone operators in the Kingdom. That was set to change this week, when three companies were invited to participate in a high-profile and hi-tech auction of two 3G licenses. The auction was planned to begin on Monday.

But there are some people who are opposed to this development. Two weeks ago the labor union representing the workers of CAT Telecom — the Thai state-owned telecommunications company that owns Thailand’s international telecommunications infrastructure including its international gateways, satellite and submarine cable networks connections – went to court seeking to stop the auction, fearing dramatic job losses in the wake of the 3G rollout. Their petition was denied on the basis that the union and employees would not be directly damaged by the auction, therefore they had no standing to bring suit.

The union then pressed the directors of CAT to go to court, and the directors agreed.

Suddenly you had the unusual situation of a State-owned telecom company going to court to stop the government from moving forward with a plan to move Thailand forward in the telecom arena. Effectively you had the State suing itself in court.

In this case, CAT won. At least they won a temporary victory with an injunction to stop the auction until the High Court can rule on whether or not the auction is legal.

The reasoning behind the injunction was explained in a recent Bangkok Post article:

“CAT Telecom insisted the NTC’s licensing authority was based on the out-of-date 1997 constitution. The 2007 charter gave the authority to hand out licences to the National Broadcasting and Telecommunications Commission (NBTC), which has yet to be formed.”

Basically, CAT is arguing that the NTC, which was organized under the old constitution which was abrogated by the coup-makers of 2006, does not have the authority to issue the 3G licenses. Under the current constitution, put into place in 2007, that authority belongs to the NBTC, which has never been formed.

This leaves the entire question of the future of 3G in Thailand completely up in the air, which is where it has been for several years now.

Stay tuned.

Bumblin’

Another outcome of the tangle of laws resulting from the coup four years ago is the current disarray at the Office of the Auditor General, where the former (or is it current?) Auditor General, Jaruvan Maintaka, insists she still has a legal right to head the office, while her deputy, Pisit Leelawichiropas, has laid claim as caretaker of the top job.

This mess started when K. Jaruvan turned 65 years old back in July. Everyone expected her to retire, but she didn’t.

Why not? Well, the reason is that K. Jaruvan says that she doesn’t believe there is any provision under the existing law to replace her, and she feels that she could be sued for dereliction if she failed to carry out her duties.

More from the Bangkok Post:

“The question arose because a bill covering the selection of the auditor-general and the State Audit Commission has not been approved by the Senate….

Without the law in place, the selection of a new auditor-general could not go ahead. The state auditor has asked the Council of State to interpret the bill’s status.

Khunying Jaruvan has refused to quit despite the fact she reached the mandatory retirement age on July 5.
Council of State secretary-general Porntip Jala yesterday said Announcement No.29, issued by the 2006 coup makers led by Gen Sonthi Boonyaratkalin, stated the auditor-general at that time would continue in the job until Sept 30, 2007, after which a new auditor-general had to be chosen within 90 days.”

Since no new Auditor-General has been named, K. Jaruvan has decided that she must stay on and take care of her duties.

This turned into a fiasco recently, according to a report in the Bangkok Post:

The problem is that her deputy, K. Pisit, sees it differently. He says that since his (former?) boss has reached the mandatory retirement age, he is now the acting Auditor-General, and he seems to be intent on carrying out those duties.

“The wrangle over the leadership at the Office of the Auditor-General has descended into farce as rival leaders grappled with a chair and a microphone while trying to take centre stage at an executive meeting.

The meeting fiasco yesterday reflected the difficulties faced by the agency as the leadership dispute continues.

Former auditor-general Jaruvan Maintaka, who insists she still has a legal right to head the office, and her deputy, Pisit Leelawichiropas, who has laid claim as caretaker of the top job, physically fought to grab a chair and a microphone during a meeting of about 40 executives and 20 staff.

The incident brought the monthly meeting to an end even before it had really started.

Mr Pisit said he called the meeting to wrap up issues in preparation for the arrival of the new fiscal year next month.

While he was sitting in the chairman’s seat, Khunying Jaruvan reportedly abruptly turned up, approached him and slammed files of documents on to the table. Witnesses said she tried to push him from the chair and grabbed a microphone from his hand.

“She hit my shoulders several times, saying she wanted to take the chairman’s role,” Mr Pisit said.
“The meeting could not start so I decided to leave,” he said, adding Khunying Jaruvan continued the meeting with “her staff”. Officials who agreed to report to him left the room, he said.

Someone then cut off the power to the room leaving her team working in the dark, he said.”

Amazing!

Fumblin’

When the current government of Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva came to power, one of its stated objectives was to improve relations with Saudi Arabia, which had been strained for some time.

This week saw that objective slip a little further away with the recent promotion of Pol Lt-Gen Somkid Boonthanom from commissioner of Provincial Police of Region 5 to assistant national police chief.

Why would that harm relations with Saudi Arabia, you ask?

Because Pol Lt-Gen Somkid is under indictment in Thailand for alleged involvement in the unsolved disappearance of Saudi businessman Mohammed al-Ruwaili in Bangkok 20 years ago.

The Saudi authorities were not impressed with this guy being promoted, and they have complained. Loudly and longly.
The Bangkok Post, on the 19th of September, carried a story with a headline that read, “PM meets ‘ill-informed’ Saudi envoy”

Here are some key excerpts from that news report:

“Mr Abhisit met with Saudi charge d’affaires Nabil Hussein Ashri at Ban Phitsanulok.

He explained to Mr Ashri that under Thai law, the senior policeman’s promotion was appropriate due to a blanket amnesty given to all state employees facing disciplinary charges on the occasion of His Majesty the King’s birthday in 2007.

Pol Lt Gen Somkid was given amnesty relating to the disciplinary measures facing him, thus enabling him to be promoted to a higher rank.

The amnesty does not pertain to criminal matters….

Mr Abhisit said he wanted to speak to the Saudi envoy personally, as it would be a more efficient than explaining the matter via documents.

According to Mr Abhisit, the Saudi envoy seemed to have insufficient information about the matter.
The Saudi embassy has repeatedly expressed concerns about the promotion of Pol Lt Gen Somkid, but the government has steadfastly defended it.

Saudi Arabia, citing Thailand’s National Police Act, claimed Pol Lt Gen Somkid should be suspended from active duty because he faces a criminal trial.”

Probably no one will be surprised to learn that the Bangkok Post headline the following day read, “Saudi envoy blasts govt, insists he is ‘informed‘”

“I’m well-informed, not ill-informed,” he thundered in a statement responding to Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva’s comments on Saturday after meeting with him at Ban Phitsanulok….

Reaffirming Saudi Arabia’s policy of non-interference in Thailand’s internal affairs, the diplomat said it was his duty to negotiate the issue with the Thai government to avoid more tension or undesirable complications in bilateral ties.
“Nonetheless, I strongly object to comments made by Thai officials to the public claiming my misunderstanding or ‘ill information’ of local issues and laws regarding the promotion of Pol Lt Gen Somkid,” he said.

Mr Ashri said the embassy has not yet received any clarification or official notice regarding Pol Lt Gen Somkid’s promotion.

“Therefore, hoping that I, or the Saudi authorities will understand this issue will not be an easy matter, because it seems that different officials refer to different sets of laws and regulations to clarify this issue to us.

“Perhaps the confusing and unclear statements made by officials on this subject have led to the assumption that the issue was cleared to us but that we misinterpreted the laws which is absolutely not true; and we have no official clarification until now.”

He said it was incomprehensible that a person charged by the state with a serious crime such as murder was promoted.”

By the 21st of September the Bangkok Post was reporting that Pol Lt-Gen Somkid was being asked to step down:

“Mr Che-arming, chairman of the House committee on security of the state, said he made this call bdcause he realised that Pol Lt-Gen Somkid was the only one who could restore ties between Thailand and Saudi Arabia.”

So there you have it folks; a Police Lt-General is the only person in Thailand who can restore diplomatic ties with Saudi Arabia!

As it turned out, two days later, that’s exactly what Pol Lt-Gen Somkid did.

There’s never a really boring day in the Thai political scene.

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Life should be lived in harmony and with balance (otherwise the Dragon’s gonna bite your ass)

 

The Thai’s say it quite often with a smile and a shake of the head. It may sound as though it’s said in jest – and quite often it is – but the smile is just their polite way of diluting their lack of sympathy for your self-inflicted situation here in the LOS. Yeah, serves you right old sport; you should’ve known better. A conniving bar girl has taken you for your life savings; som naam na dude. That freelancer you did the business with bareback is HIV positive; som naam na dude. The bar girl that you married, and took back to your home country, has a Thai husband back here in Thailand; som naam na dude. You’ve just finished building a large mansion for your teerak up in Isarn – spending most of the money that was set aside for your retirement in doing so – and you’ve been given your marching orders by her and her family; som naam na dude.

0900; Monday, 16^th August 2010 – Surin Beach, Phuket.

There was a misty haze rising from the 1.5 meter surf as I stood there in the soft yellow sand and inhaled a lungful of fresh, salt tinged air. It was good to back here. It had been far too long. The distraction of too many years in the fleshpots of Bangkok, and Pattaya, had kept me from the pleasures that the natural environment has to offer in the LOS. I’d been diligent enough to keep myself in reasonable shape, through a regular exercise regime and, therefore, the excesses of the pleasure domes hadn’t seen me disintegrate into a walking bag of shit. At fifty four I was still fit enough to climb onto a surfboard and catch a few waves. Guys that I know, who’ve been here for years, told me that one day it would happen; I’d wake up one day and say to myself ‘yeah I’m done, time to do something else besides drinking and fucking whores.’

No doubt I won’t completely divorce myself from the temptations of Thailand’s adult entertainment industry but the heady days of the mind being constantly absorbed by the need to ejaculate into some pay for pleasure pussy were a thing of the past. I’d pretty much done it all since the move from Phuket a decade ago and simply came to the realization, not too long ago, that it was time to start seeing it for what it really is; an expensive way to stop yourself from being bored while in Thailand.

Over the years that I’ve been here I’ve often found myself reflecting on some of the seemingly bizarre, and almost crazy, situations that many a farang, me included, get themselves into with the women of this place we find ourselves so addicted to. Situations that, if they were to be replicated back in the lands that we come from, would have friends, and relatives, shaking their heads in disbelief. “You’ve been paying a whore forty thousand baht a month for the past couple of years? Are you completely insane man?” Well no, not insane, but the kind of behavior that we just come to accept as being par for the course, while we’re living here, is, quite often, cause for concern and, no doubt, probably has many a man, myself included, wondering if a bit of professional counseling might be in order.

I mean, when does the mia noi situation become acceptable? To many respectable Thai women it probably isn’t but it just seems to be a common practice here in this land of layered realities and mai bpen rai.

“Well, you know, I’m just getting a bit on the side with a regular gig”.

If you were married, and were back in the real world, this would be called adultery and you’d have your balls in a major bind if the wife found out.

 “Well yeah, but this is Thailand so don’t think too much. Teerak, can I have some shopping money please?”

 Indeed. Many guys, myself included once again, wake up one day and see it for what it is; just another expensive way to stop yourself from being bored in the LOS. A few million Baht later you decide that no cute piece of fluff is worth that kind of expense so you simply terminate the arrangement by cutting off the money supply. It doesn’t take long for the poor, down and out teerak to find herself another willing sponsor. At this point you breathe a huge sigh of relief and head out to Soi Cowboy to celebrate. Thereby, in the process of celebrating your new found freedom, putting yourself right back in the firing line for the whole silly process to repeated again. Yes, that’s it; we’re rats to the treadmill of seductive, young Thai pussy. I guess a lot of us are slow learners. I mean how often does it take to be hammered over the head with the same old sorry process of history repeating itself? Will you ever learn man? Bar pussy equals a bloody great financial hole in the pocket. Well, yeah I know but the one I had last night had a pussy that was as tight as a mouse’s ear. Well there you go dude; Som Nam Na.

Too many late nights, and too many hangovers, later you begin to wonder if all this new found freedom is actually worth it and in moments of weakness, or deluded reasoning, you begin to hanker for the stability of the psychotic, nymphomaniac whore that constantly had your nerves on edge for the past few years. No, fuck that, the hangover will pass and I’ll just readjust the lifestyle a bit. It’s time to get healthy old sport. Indeed. I’ll start staying in a bit more and look for some hot pussy on the dating sites.

First one contacted on Tagged; name is Pim, comes from Chiang Mai, white skinned and twenty three years old with a well endowed cleavage. Introductions made, phone numbers exchanged, bingo.

“Hello, I am Pim. I stay Chiang Mai. I just finished university and my mother just die. Please send me money so I come to Bangkok”

“Hmmm, is the buffalo sick as well?”

It’s good to see that some things never change; it’s all about the money. I think I’ll head back down to the Tilac bar again tonight and bar fine number two.

Occasionally something will occur which has you questioning your cynical summation of these conniving little vixens; doubt enters the mind and weakens the resolve.

“Teerak, I love you and I want we be back together”

“What about the sugar daddy?”

“I just doing my job. He give me money. I not love him”

“Hmmm, okay. But I’m not giving you any money”

“No problem teerak. I just want you fuck me”

“Hmmm, okay”

Do you realize what you’ve done? What? You’ve just compromised your moral code of ethics. I see. I don’t think I’ve had much in the way of that for the past ten years and besides, I won’t be paying much for it now. Welcome to the murky world of being a Pua Noi my friend.

You eventually come to realize that being a Pua Noi to the psychotic, nymphomaniac whore has its limitations and that, even allowing for the fact that you’re not handing over the monthly allowance anymore, the shopping trips to the Emporium, and Paragon, are becoming far to frequent for your liking. The other disturbing realization, that you eventually come to, is that the said psychotic, nymphomaniac whore has begun to try and apply some stringent conditions to your Pua Noi job description. The nightly meanderings to the watering holes, and fleshpots, up and down Sukhumvit have now become an obstacle course of jealous harassment via the mobile phone. Rule number one when handing out phone numbers to Thai ladies; never, ever give out your work contact number.

Using logic to explain your nightly amorous wanderings doesn’t register in the bar girls take on the responsibilities of Pua Noi’s. The fact that she’s out getting pounded every night before coming home to serve you slops isn’t an issue in her little fantasy world of money and sex.

“Look teerak, you’re having sex with the sugar daddy most nights of the week. If I take a lady for the night it’s just the same”

“Not same Teerak. I just doing my job. I not love him”

“Well I don’t love those girls either; I just want to have sex”

“You jai dum teerak. I know you not care me”

Has any farang ever tried to argue a point with a Thai hooker using common sense, and logic, and come away from the exchange thinking that you may as well have been talking to a brick wall?

“If you give me same money he give me teerak I stop be with him and just stay with you”

“No teerak, I told you I’m not giving you any more monthly salary”

“Then I have to keep working. I must take care family”

Ah yes, the good old fall back argument. The family, despite the fact they’ve got a good sixty rai under rice, have a decent house and two pickups, are literally wasting away through starvation. The poor buggers. Perhaps I should offer to help them out with a hefty donation that will fatten them up again.

Another thing which always has me laughing, inwardly at least, is the way in which Thai bargirls/hookers/whores describe what they do as work. I suppose it is but the job description probably doesn’t make for very good reading on a CV.

Job function or title: sex service provider in the adult entertainment industry (sex for money)

Primary skills set: copulation, fallatio and stimulation of clientele’s genitals.

Expected remuneration: the going rates for short and long times plus any tips, or bonuses, the can we haggled, wheedled, cajoled, manipulated, stolen or harassed out of the client.

You may find that funny, or tragic, or both but it’s pretty much how it is. The idea that what they’re doing is just a job, in a real sense, is open to interpretation. Anyway, there are some escort agencies out there, in Bangkok, which take the idea of promoting a sex service provider’s skill set to a whole new level. A recent search on the internet brought up Admiral Escorts. Each lady is listed on an information matrix and it makes for some fairly amusing, or tragic, reading.

Patcharee: 24 years old. Does threesomes – yes, but only with Da and Noi. Does anal – yes. Smoke no condom – yes. Come in mouth – yes (for an extra 500 Baht).Goes with the physically disabled – Yes.

It’s good to see that the physically disabled are not being discriminated against on a sex service providers’ skills set matrix. Anyway, there you have it. Patcharee, the same as the rest of them, is just doing her job. And, I guess, in this competitive day and age it pays to advertise.

Right then, it’s time to give the internet dating sites another go. Second one contacted on Tagged: Name is Puk, 35 years old, with a killer set of cosmetically enhanced mammeries. Phone numbers exchanged, dinner date set, things look promising.

Over a nice Thai meal I find out that she’s a financially independent gal who was fortunate enough to be the beneficiary of a large inheritance following the death of her elderly American husband. She had a couple of business interests including her own escort service.

“I have forty girl work for me” said Puk as we drank and surveyed our surroundings at CM2

“Hmmm, you’re quite an entrepreneur then I see” I said nodding with approval

“Can you help me with something?”

“You’d like me to do a working assessment on all of your employees?” I said enthusiastically

“No. I need Russia lady work for me” she said giving me a sideways glance.

“Hmmm, what do you want from me then?” I said thinking that this is looking a bit dodgy.

“Can you go that table over there and give those Russia girl my business card please?” she said with a smile as false as any I’ve ever seen.

I was seriously contemplating telling her to fuck right off but the joker in me thought ‘what the hell’ I’ve had a few and it’ll be good for a laugh.

“Yeah, no problems. Give me your business cards” I said as I downed my beer, grabbed the cards and strode confidently across to the table of Russian totty.

“Hey girls”

Cue the puzzled looks on the faces of the four Russians; I wasn’t Arab or Indian. I smiled and started handing out Puk’s business cards.

“If you want a job, call this number” I said holding my hand to my ear in the internationally accepted hand signal for a phone call.

The girls all smiled and I wandered back to our table feeling smug about the successful mission. You’re well pleased with yourself aren’t you? Well yeah. How do you feel about being a pimp? Oh come on, it was just a bit of harmless fun. Really? What are you going to do next for this Madame? Okay, I see what you mean.

I decided the best policy with Puk, in future, would be the ‘don’t call me, I’ll call you.’

Not to be deterred I chanced my arm again. Third one contacted on Tagged: Name is Yani, 29 years old with one the biggest sets of natural hooters I’ve seen on a Thai bird. Introductions made, phone numbers exchanged, she’s coming over to my condo to join me for lunch at the restaurant we’ve got on the premises.

“So, what do you do for work?” I asked politely.

“I work from home” said Yani.

“You do computer stuff is it?” I enquired.

“No, I have a small escort service”

“Do you know Puk?” I said just for a laugh.

“Yeah, I work for her before” she said without batting an eyelid.

“Hmmm, I don’t suppose you’re looking for some Russian ladies are you?”

“No, why you ask?”

“Oh no reason really, I’ve just got some experience with recruiting Russians in your line of business. Look, now that you’re here, what’s the price for a short time?”

“I not like that. I want be friends with you” she said looking a little offended.

Right then, I‘ve had enough this bullshit. I’m going down to Cowboy tonight to bar fine number twenty one out of the dollhouse.

My thoughts drifted back to the present. The tide was coming in and the surf was picking up. I began applying wax to the board and thought about my past four days in Phuket. I had a set routine each day which included eating, at about six thirty pm, at a nice café situated on the corner of Soi San Sabai and Patong second road. It had large open windows which afforded an uninterrupted view of the hectic twilight activity; punters on their way to their favoured watering holes, couples heading out to eat and, of course, the girls on their way their chosen venue of professional interaction with Mr. Farang. A lot were on foot but there were also many who were dropped off, right in front of where I was seated, by a young Thai guy who, no doubt, was the boyfriend. Cynicism eventually gives way to the reality, or totality, of what one is seeing. You, the farang, are nothing special. You are a means to an end; a walking cash cow. A lump of meat to be used and dispensed with once you’ve been bled dry. As a wise man said, a few years ago when considering the merits of the Thai bar girl, never forget that money really is number one and that you, the farang, rate somewhere down there with the family dog.

It’s interesting to compare the eyes of a Thai good girl with those of the ‘working girl.’ Looking into the eyes of the girls working in the café the only thing recognizable is a sense of genuine friendliness; no hidden agenda is detectable. The eyes of the average bar girl are often blank and lifeless. The harder, longer term, ones often look at you as if you’re being assessed for your potential worth. As a mate of mine once said “they’ve got knives for eyes.”

The pity is that it’s only the industry that does this to them. Their past lives of poverty, and a poor education, makes them likely candidates for a life of hardened desperation in the bars.

Case Study:

Six months ago I met Titiporn in the Rock Hard Ago-go on Soi Bangla. She was an attractive twenty one year gal from Buriram and had only been dancing for a week when I bar fined her for a few days. Her English was poor and she seemed completely naïve to the longer term realities of the profession she had entered into. She’d abandoned her dreams of finishing business college (studying to be an accountant) because the demands of the family had to be met first. She showed me photo’s – taken only four months previously – of herself, in uniform, at her business college in Buriram. She’d dropped out because she couldn’t pay the fees and then spent three months working in some low paid supermarket job. A friend of a friend had then suggested she might like to try her luck in the adult entertainment industry down in Phuket. The rest, as they say, is history.

I walked into the Rock Hard Ago-go last night and spotted Tittiporn up on the dance platform. She’d put on a few extra pounds, no doubt from the requirement to meet the monthly lady drink quota, and her hair had been died red. She saw me and smiled as I took a seat next to the bar. As soon as she’d finished her routine she came over to see me. She said hello, asked me how long I was in town for and then, pretty much, demanded that I buy her a tequila (when I first met her she would only drink orange juice). We engaged in a bit more light hearted conversation during which she informed me that she’d already been bar fined for the night but I could come and get her tomorrow night.  I said I think about it and when I informed her that I was going to move on to another location she pushed her breasts towards me and asked for a tip. How times change.

I finished waxing my board and strolled down to the water’s edge. Directly in front of me and seventy, or so, meters out to sea was a nice little right hand peak with just one surfer on it. I pushed out through the invigorating white water and paddled into the line- up. I looked across at the other guy and he caught my eye. We both smiled simultaneously.

“Nice day for it” I said as we surveyed the green, jungle clad hills surrounding the bay.

“You wouldn’t want be anywhere else would you at the moment would you?” he replied as the sun broke through the cloud cover and sparkled off the azure blue of the ocean surrounding us.

“Yeah, it’s a pity I didn’t start doing this about four years earlier” I said with a wry smile.

“Why’s that?”

“Could’ve saved myself about five million Baht” I said shaking my head.

“A bar girl” he said smiling.

“Yup” I said flatly.

“Som nam na dude”

“Yeah”

“Your wave” he said nodding towards the approaching swell.

“Cheers”

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