You’re Such a THAI!

By virgilalligator

August 28, 2011

Yep, I said it! I am officially now Thai. Wait a minute, what the heck you ask? Allow me to explain. For starters, I am not a FARANG to the natives here, well, not so much in words anyway. And if you are wondering what that word means…well, everyone seems to have their own ideas. I mean, Lonely Planet forums I have read have said it means Honoured Guest. Yeah, right. Honoured to the ladies of the night maybe…

And then, the highly-trustworthy Bangkok Post (insert LOL here) seems to have their own take on the word. I guess we are all transplanted here to be big ol’ guava fruits. In any case, if you do read what the Bangkok Post says, you will learn that us FARANGS are actually well-respected, highly civilized human beings in the LOS (Land of Smiles).

It doesn’t matter any of this anyway because yours truly is not a FARANG. Nope, I am 100% pure Thai. Um, yeah, I am. Why? The Thais tell me so! Yes, mother and father, they sure do! I guess I am Italian, as my husband says when honeymooning in Italy I was lost in the crowds, and while I am Italian and bear a striking resemblance to my father, I am a mutt at heart. But I am also Mexican! Yep, having taught Spanish for over 10 years, I seem to blend in well, and not just on Spring Break in Mexico either. I speak the language, eat their food and then run for the border as fast as I can before they suck me in and detain me. Josh, remember Los Cabos…yeah. All righty then….

Shall we move on? I think so. So I am in a taxi cab a couple weeks ago. I don’t make eye contact with the drivers because they often have a tendency to 1-wanna practice their English the whole 30 minutes we have moved 1 Kilometer down Sukhumvit and 2-refuse me when I tell them where I wish to be driven. Picky drivers, eh? Whoops, guess I am a Canuck, too! So, this particular Thai gentleman (I have yet to have a female cab driver…) says to me when I tell him to take me to Sukhumvit soi 30, “You Thai” Um, what? “No, I am not Thai.” Dai, dai…you Thai, Madame. Guess I am French, too, then, right? Well, I just responded back, no, Sukhumvit Sahm Sip (30). And then a simple thank you. He proceeds to practice his English more and say, “You look Thai.” No, I teach Thai students, though. No, he insists I am Thai. I say thank you in Thai, pay him the fare and exit. I cannot catch a break from being a mutt!

After the school day ended on Thursday this week, I ventured out to the main corridor where the parents and the students’ nannies and their drivers fetch the kids at 3:00. I was bumping in to some familiar faces and then one I had not eyed before. He points to my hair, and then I immediately stare down his mane. Long hair on a grown Thai I have not seen before, but I do have one Thai student (bright young fella, I might add…) with a rat tail the length of my arm and a half, maybe two arms’ length. Anyway, the guy says aside to the Italian parent I was talking with, Thai. And then points at me again. Still don’t understand why he was pointing at my hair. Then I got brave and curious and just said, “What did you say?” He introduced himself, but I didn’t quite get it all. He said, “You are Thai?!” No, I am not. I am a mutt, pure-bred 100% mutt. I didn’t digress further than to say I look like everything no matter where I am in the world. He complimented me on my Thai and said with the exception of my streaky highlights I could pass for a Thai woman.

Fast forward to today. Walking out of Gourmet Market, my favorite Western grocery store (but frustrating they don’t carry Arm & Hammer to rid the stench of our fridge in the apartment) this afternoon, I nabbed a cabbie who wanted again to practice his English. I was asked where I was going, and being the native Thai I am, no FARANG here!!! I proceeded to say where I lived and that he’d need to take the first U-Turn to get back on the other direction. Stupid boulevards cramping up the traffic here, I tell ya! And so he says, “You Thai” I took a breath and thought to myself, “Here we go again.” This 1 KM ride that will take 30 minutes is gonna be one of those trips…I said no, and he proceeded to ask where I am from, how old, what I am doing here with all those groceries and why I live here.

Case in point–get a pair of headphones to wear while in the droning cabs, so I can tune it out and second, just start investing in all that whitening crap the girls here buy to make themselves look like Geisha whities. I swear, if you don’t look carefully, there is whitening agent in your milk, in your bread, in your cheap Chang beer (read Wisco=Busch Light), probably even in the street food I get on the roadside stalls. I should start up a Whitening Solution company… The girls here spend more time trying to get white and hide their skin tone than we spend basking in the sun on Spring Break. They rely on their umbrellas more as parasols than to beat the rainy season.

So, another lesson…if I am going to perfect my native Thai-ness, I better start eating up all that whitening agent in the lotions and skin care products if I wanna really fit in. And I guess I better start speaking better, as Josh has me beat on that level.

If I am Thai, why am I getting grossed out all of a sudden by the street food? I know a couple of my girlfriends at work have gotten sick so it is a fair warning, but I guess I will have to put on my brave suit and dive in, and stop being a wuss and sweating when I suck up the Tom Yum soup at school lunches…

In any case, I will need to own up and just learn to say yes, I am Thai. No, not a mutt. I did have to explain to my students that mutts are just a healthy dose of this and that, like all us Americans. But I think I lost them at the word mutt…We’ll keep working at it to the point of them just realizing I am THAI.

Go to a wat, pay your respects and take in the wafts of incense!

And since I am Thai, I have declared that Thailand is NOT the Land of Smiles. Nope, it is decided that Thailand is the LOI. Um…Yeah, it is the Land of INCENSE. Any peeps from GB know that when we were growing up and we went downtown to Port Plaza, we had to go on that Pine Street sidewalk to the groovy hippie store and buy our Grateful Dead Tie-Dyed shirts…You know what store I am referring to if you were one of us. Anyway, I am running today (and every other day, as folks, I AM running the Bangkok Marathon in November at 3 a.m.!) in Benjakitti Park and I come around the bend of the lake to the bicycle rental area. I sniff a couple times and I felt like I was at a rave or something. I get back from my run to my apartment building, say my Thai hellos to the staff opening the gates and doors for me and smell it again. I am surprised we don’t all sit around the flag pole at school when the Thai flag is being raised by the students, while we sing the joyous (beautifully sounding!) Thai national anthem and a waft of air comes by with some incense.

So there you have it folks. Kuhn Sharin has declared Thailand the Land of Incense until further notice.

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Beware The Thai Bar Girls

By jaysonderosner

August 22, 2011

There is a lot of talk on the internet about Thai Bar Girls and the risks associated with them. Here is an EBOOK that looks at this topic and offers advice on the subject. I offered this up rather “tongue in cheek” in a previous post.

Here is an interesting “Thai Barl Girl” story submitted to a great site that deals with all things Thailand:

http://www.stickmanbangkok.com/

“I want to share my experience of my recent Thai marriage to a bar girl who initially was demure, did and said all the right things.
This experience is related on the basis to warn Westerners as you have done. YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE IF YOU MARRY OR HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A BAR GIRL. BE CAREFUL!

I am a regular visitor to Thailand and enjoy the bar scene from time to time and also enjoyed the other aspects of Thai culture from friends etc.

I met this attractive girl in Jan 2002 as a go go dancer and we formed a relationship and after a few regular visits back to Thailand, I decided in May 2002 to bring her back to NZ. After a hard fought battle with NZ Immigration I managed to get her back for 6 months under the now very difficult visa requirements. I had known her for 4 months previous and rung her every second day and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We both went to her village to meet the parents and they gave us their blessing to go to NZ together. On my return to bring her back to NZ I discovered that she had some medical problems during the time I was there and I thought it was an infection on her part. We did have unprotected sex and when i got back to NZ with her I started having problems in that area, so Day 2 of our relationship was spent at my doctor’s offices which resulted in a trip down to the STD Clinic for further tests. The results were that I had contracted from her a bad case of gonorrhoea. When I confronted her she admitted her having slept with a couple of customers before my arrival. After a local injection and antibiotics I was declared fit in that department. She developed complications and needed hospital treatment and subsequent surgery. And that was only our first week on arrival in NZ together. The STD clinic in Auckland were superb and professional in their approach.

Auckland STD clinic run a Thai clinic and she received the best treatment with interpreters (although I can speak some Thai). She continued to be an outpatient of the clinic and received advice on sexual health including a pap smear (which was positive and required more tests. The end result was that I was cured and she (S) needed an operation. This was all performed along with all medical checks at my expense and thanks to the health service of the NZ Govt. I threatened to send S back on the plane to Thailand and should have. We had a pretty successful and happy relationship after that and she was supplied anything she wanted except money. I had her trained and bought equipment for her to be trained as a nail technician. A friend of mine took her time and gave her free lessons. S was not particularly interested in pursuing this career and made the comment “keekeeat” (not like). S was good around the house, beds made, washing done and she was a pleasure to come home to. She had a habit of collecting all my change (not notes) and storing it in a jar. I thought that this was rather amusing and thought she wanted some money for new clothes etc, but what she really wanted was to send the money home. We had various arguments about money to the parents considering the recent expenses I had in getting her to NZ and I wanted her to be aware that farang are not endless ATM machines or a welfare department. I had a saying “Doo farang ow ngern” (see westernerm want money). S wanted some money to send home to her parents in the Northeast. I had been to her parents place in the village who were poor simple folk, but the mother seemed to have the eye on the money and I was disappointed with the “expectations” of what a farang should provide.

She went back to Thailand Last November 2002 because her visa ran out and she could not get a work permit unless we were in a genuine stable relationship or got married. Pressure was put on S by her parents that she must marry or she could not go with me. There was also a bride dowry to consider.

I went back to Thailand Xmas 2002 and I went to her parents in the village where S was staying. During that time I was in the village we decided for her parents sake and that of immigration, to tie the knot.

I went further north to teach English in a regular school for a few days (free). Interestingly enough I meet an American and we discussed marriage and dowries. His comment to me when I explained my situation was that her parents got along fine before without money why do you need to contribute? He didn’t and his wife is still with him in Udon Thani. I listened and considered those words and pointed out to S that if we married that I married her and not her family. I also said that further down the track I would like to buy / build a house to stay in the village, but not yet. After visitations by the local priest on matters of suitable time and compatibility for marriage S and I finally married in the village, in early Jan 2003. This was both a great and enjoyable experience. After negotiation and summing up the culture impact I reluctantly agreed to pay a dowry of 80,000 baht over 8 MONTHS and the first 10,000 baht was given at the wedding. I also made the mistake of hiring a car during the time and ended up being a taxi driver for the whole extended family over the next three weeks. Being a do it yourself kiwi I spent the next 2 weeks being the driver to weddings, funerals, to visit soothsayers and other Isaan rituals, chief handyman paying for, fixing up and installing water filters, electrics, hot water shower and various other sundries, including paying for half of the new room downstairs for us, (S paid the other half) and paying for groceries as well. I had no regrets in doing that and I enjoyed helping out around the house as doing nothing would have driven me crazy. Some of the neighbours had trouble with their water connections so I ended up being chief plumber for a number of the villagers in changing washers and taps, but I enjoyed the contact and the experience. There was then the question of a new house for the land and through S was asked when I would like to build or contribute. I had to go back to NZ then and obtain another spouse’s visa for S.

S wanted me to buy the family a car. I asked why because no one can drive and it would deteriorate if only used when we visited. It had slipped my mind that one of the Thai traits was to show you had some means and the car was to be left somewhere conspicuous to show off to the other villagers, visitors and relations. I had left some money with S while she was in the village to get on with and found that she had given most of it to her family and complained to me that she had no money and that her and her family thought I was “keeneow” (Thai for stingy and very insulting). I did not contact her for a week on that basis and she rung me back upset as to why I was not ringing her every second day. I went back to Thailand in Feb 2003 and brought her back to NZ with me. Before we left, her parents decided to give us a gift, S got a patong (Thai national dress) and I got the male equivalent. The joke was that her mother wanted 1500 baht from me to accept the “gift”. One rule for the daughter and another for “rich farang” S wanted a baby desperately and after a period, through not lack of trying, that did not happen. One day in April, she told me that the payment to her parents were too slow and that I can afford to pay the dowry completely. She also said that she would stay on with me if I paid her some 30,000 baht per month. I told her that she might as well go home and she suggested baht 15000.00 as a sum for staying.

She complained that she cannot work in NZ and she did not want to wait and she wanted to go home to work or to study. I said work where and study what. Reply, no answer.

I then informed her that I was suspending the time payments to her parents (I had only paid her parents baht 30,000 so far). I also said that her return could mean the end of our marriage and should that happen I would proceed to ask her parents for the return of her dowry. The result was catastrophic and she was going to return to Thailand within the next few weeks.

It must be remembered that I had paid for all her air fares, medical bills, food and clothes and she was also given a small allowance and the offer to work. She did not want that.

I told her that if she went back to Thailand, that she would be deserting her husband, but she wanted to work to send money to her family.

I told her that her family here (meaning me) had priority over her family in Thailand.

I told her I did not want her to go, that I loved her, and it was totally her choice.

She went back to Thailand, and now she is back working in the bar, a working girl again.

When she went back to Thailand I had discovered on my cell phone that she made a call to an ex customer in Australia, who had been regularly paying baht 10,000 a month to her bank account in Thailand. I rang the guy and left a message on his answerphone, who I was, and that there are no hassles on my part, and to inform him of his girl who was now married and that he could speak to me if he wished. He is a married man, as I understand, and I would hope that he may reassess his situation on reading this article. I will use the Thai phrase “darm jai” (up to him).

She was not particularly phased when I told her about him.

The interesting thing is that she seems to suggest that it is my choice whether she goes or stays provided that I agree to paying her the money.

I do not say that I was perfect. I am an older fit man, with a good job and a very good house in a beautiful part of NZ by the sea.

May be she was bored, or I was just a long term customer who did not quite come up with all the goods for her.

She can now speak and write English very well and I taught her to drive and she now has a drivers license. I had purchased a car in NZ for her to use as well.

I have spoken to her now she is back in Thailand.

She is unhappy in the scene and I have left the door partly ajar but I think the future for us is not good.

I never smoked or drank or knocked her around and she could have had a bright rosy future in NZ and eventually have a new house for the parents .

What did she chose? Back to the bar scene.

It may have been the age gap, 23 to 50, who knows. I went into this with eyes open and I am not unfamiliar with the tricks of the trade. The mistake I made was getting involved with a girl on the bar scene.

You have also pointed out the strong role of the family in the girl’s life and that we as farangs will come off second best in the choice.

That has also probably happened here.

The point I would like to make is that I have a lot of respect for people and the Thais who want to look after their parents but the trouble is, some parents in my view, abuse that position and see it as a ticket to their own retirement and not to matter what happens to the girl.

I am a multi cultural person and enjoy a partner from a different culture, but it cuts both ways. She should also understand the ways and expectation of westerners.

I also do not subscribe to the almighty power of the parents. Yes there should be respect, a little help and maybe some money in times of trouble, but certainly not initially when you have gone to the expense of bringing her back and starting up in your home country.

Obviously gifting money and dealing with parents of the girl is personal to each person. But the danger of expectation of money and the fact that you may end up financially worse than them would be essential points to consider in any relationship on careful grounds.

So, Mr Stickman, the purpose of my longwinded letter to you is to confirm your warnings again and again to your readers to avoid relationships with these ladies that can just end in disaster.

It is not easy, and sometimes there is just one that shows some intelligence and caring, that tugs your heart strings and just might need the helping hand to better her future.

In my view now, on what S has done, the career choice is hers, what makes it more disappointing is that the parents seem to know what she is doing but would rather have the money. How is that for caring?

Maybe some will argue that I am not Thai, not subject to the same problems and constraints that the poor Thai family have and therefore I do not understand.

What I understand is honesty and sincerity and not what wealth a person can demonstrate but what is in their hearts and minds.

I will certainly be concentrating on the good Thai ladies for a future relationship that can probably go somewhere.

The sad aspect is S had so much future going for her and blew it.

She may yet decide to change direction but the damage has already been done.

On the positive side I have helped another Thai lady in NZ and she is married to a Kiwi and both are very happy. She worked a short time in the bar but is older and wiser.

I have another good friend who has been married to a good lady from Isaan for 13 years and has 3 children and both are happy and enjoy the positive aspects of both cultures.

There are some bar girls that can change (some say 1 in 10) but your life would be more productive and happier if you concentrated on the good girls.

I know these stories are all too familiar to you but it may help some poor bloke in reassessing the next step in his life if he is bitten by a bar girl and seeks to continue a relationship from abroad or otherwise

As a footnote, I am not moaning or groaning about this and I entered this relationship with open eyes and mind so I am not totally heartbroken.

I am philosophical about these events and sometimes while all things appear rosy it is not until you’re down the track a bit that a few problems rise to the surface. And it is then that you start thinking what it’s all about.”

If you need any advice and help have a look at this EBOOK

 
Visit my blok The Great Clickbank Caper

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‘Thais and e-communication: The lights are on but no-one is home’

By CNX_Bruce

June 15, 2011

This article is about the way many Thai businesses and government agencies use internet-based communication, and the angst this generates amongst foreigners who try to engage with them. Now, one can readily excuse the fact that some Thai web sites have little English-language content – after all it is Thailand. We don’t mind if the English translation is a little clunky, as not every agency can afford a native-speaking editor. And we’re not overly concerned if web sites are rudimentary … unless of course the company is in the IT or web site design business. The concerns I’ll address now, in terms of their potential to have foreigners wringing their hands and pulling out their hair en masse, go beyond that.

The Thais’ tardiness in responding to emails is legendary. This was driven home when undertaking a project that required me to send emails to a range of Thai government departments and businesses. Only a few responses trickled back, and most of these took the form of automated messages stating “email deleted unopened”, “mailbox full” or “user unknown”. And when using the email response forms provided within web sites, more often than not the only result was an error message as soon as I clicked on “submit”.

But don’t take my word for it, scan any expat forum, or google on the words “Why don’t Thais reply to emails?” and read all about it. Better yet, try sending an email yourself to a Thai corporation, and then sit back and wait – and wait – for an acknowledgement or reply.

Aside from unanswered emails and malfunctioning forms in web sites, other e-communication problems commonly encountered in Thailand include:

• Web site content that is very outdated
• English-language content that is inconsistent and/or contradictory with Thai-language content within the same web site. I suspect that Thai language information is more likely to be updated, whilst English-language sits neglected and becomes increasingly outdated. This problem can also result from a poor quality original translation.
• Web sites that contain contradictory English-language information on different pages within the same web site. I suspect here that material is subsequently added by a different webmaster at a later date, with original material inadvertently left online
• A profusion of dead hyperlinks to other (presumably removed or renamed) English-language pages within the same web site
• Web sites that provide email addresses that do not work (e.g. emails sent to them are subsequently returned ‘user unknown’). I have even had the same thing happen, on several occasions) after using an email address provided in a current newspaper advertisement or other corporate literature.
• Web sites that don’t provide email contact details on English-language web pages within them

I find such problems especially puzzling when I encounter them dealing with organizations that are actively courting foreign customers. Take the example of a Bangkok-based hospital that was undertaking an international promotional campaign. The web site for this hospital contained two separate email enquiry/response forms, a general use email address, and another email address to report web site difficulties. Both email forms returned error messages, and emails to the addresses provided went unanswered. Eventually I called the hospital to get the information I needed – in this case, as a potential patient. Merely trying to be helpful, I duly reported the difficulties I had encountered. Months afterwards, those very same web site problems remained unattended.

Now, I’ll readily concede that problems like this occur in other countries. My primary point of comparison is Australia, but there at least, the degree of difference appears considerable. Problems that appear to be an endemic feature of business communication here in Thailand, are merely an occasional annoyance in that country.

But why is this issue so important (read = annoying or frustrating ) to foreigners?

• Because we often make contact from another country and hence the combined effect of time differences, language difficulties and call-charges make phone calls problematic or impossible
• Because – even when we are in Thailand – it is (theoretically, at least) a lot easier to communicate via email when either or both parties are not fluent speakers of the language of the other, and
• Because our understanding – and expectation – is that the whole basis of e-communication is efficiency and speed of communication. We want to communicate, to share ideas and do trade … and we can’t understand why Thais don’t seem to share our vision.

In fact Thais that I have spoken with seem amused or perplexed about how wound-up foreigners get about unanswered emails. Their position seems to be that they wouldn’t bother sending an email as they would never expect to receive a reply … as Thais don’t reply to emails. They are resigned to the fact that if they need a response then their only option is to actually visit the relevant person or organization.

I know plenty of Thais and I would very much doubt if unanswered emails are meant as deliberate snubs.
One exception might be situations where foreigners offer ‘customer feedback’, in which case our western notion of ‘constructive criticism’ still remains very much at odds with cultural norms in most Thai organisations.

Nevertheless from a foreigner’s perspective this manner of dealing with people and information is generally considered most unhelpful and rude, and hence unprofessional.

There are other reasons that are more likely to explain the Thais approach to e-communication, and these mainly concern administrative procedures (esp. in relation to IT systems) and certain aspects of Thai culture.

IT issues

Simple carelessness on the part of staff maintaining IT systems, combined with a lack of adequate English-language skills is a significant issue. Insiders have also told me of instances where passwords and procedures are lost or forgotten as key staff or contractors depart, and the web site or email system falls into disrepair.

Perhaps this is why the business cards of many Thai staff often feature personal hotmail addresses rather than dedicated email addresses using their organisations’ own domain name … they simply have no confidence that their own organisation’s email system can be relied upon and instead choose to work outside it.

I have a sneaking feeling too, that for many Thai organizations the web site is more fashion accessory than integral business tool … a static edifice with which they seek to flag their modernity. If that is the case, such a mindset is no doubt reflected in a lack of ongoing resources to properly maintain email systems and web sites.

Thai cultural issues

Potentially significant factors here include the concept of ‘kreng chai’, the hierarchical nature of Thai society, and the Thai notion of ‘face’.

Kreng chai (sometimes spelled greng jai), is one of the most important concepts relating to behaviour in Thai society. To be considerate and not to do anything that other people could dislike (i.e., to be kreng chai) is a traditional virtue. If one behaves this way, one shows respect and good manners. This might mean for example that if a positive response cannot be provided to an email enquiry, then it may be more polite to not reply at all, rather than send a negative response. This might apply for example when emailing a request for information that cannot be supplied.

In Thailand personal relationships and social hierarchy are a dominant force in how people relate to others. Where a correspondent has no prior personal relationship with the recipient of an email, and is of indeterminate status, then there is far less perceived obligation to co-operate or respond.

Finally in some cases the Thai recipients of the emails may not be sufficiently confident in their written English language skills to draft a reply, and subsequently fail to respond due to a concern that they may embarrass themselves or not be understood.

Whatever the contributing factors, the first step in dealing with this issue is for Thai organisatons to:

• Better recognize the mutual benefits of interacting efficiently online with other people and organizations, and
• Become more aware as to what is now considered appropriate in the context of doing business globally

Thai CEOs or heads of public agencies need to understand that an indifferent approach to e-communication will be seen as a reflection of the degree of professionalism and of competence within their organizations. If their priority is to be progressive, rather than just appear to be progressive, then clearly much more needs to be done by many Thai organisations.

A revised and updated version of Bruce Bickerstaff’s book “Your Investment Guide to Thailand” was recently released by Silkworm Books – further details at www.burning-bison.com

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Bangkokhooker’s Fishing in Thailand: My favourite payponds

By Bangkokhooker

April 3, 2011

Hello everyone and welcome to my first Bangkok Diaries post.

I’m a Thai person who has spent a little bit of time studying abroad. When I got moved back to Thailand three years ago I decided to pick up my childhood hobby, fishing. Soon enough I found myself spending more time at fishing venues than at the bars. After realising that most of the information, regarding fishing in Thailand, was either in Thai or through some fishing tour company I decided to contribute my share to the international community who are interested in the angling arts by starting a blog.

Living in Thailand, I often hear many of my friends complain about the lack of things to do in the South East Asian City of Angels. Sooner or later people get sick of all the cheap booze, the dingy bar scene and the hustle and bustle of the urban jungle. Little did these friends of mine know that inside this concrete jungle of over 11 million inhabitants (or was it 9 million? I lose count) there is a thriving fishing industry. It started becoming even more clear to them when popular fishing TV shows, like River Monsters, started checking out Thailand’s fishing potential (speaking of fishing shows in Thailand here’s a quick run down).

The most popular places to go fishing in Bangkok are at pay ponds, artificial bodies of water filled with fish where anglers can pay a fee in order to have a go at catching them. You know, sort of like going to a “lounge” instead of trying your chances at a night club. Pay ponds can be the time-starved Bangkokian’s answer to the weekend outdoor activity. Rod rentals, fishing guides, restaurants and all sorts of creature comforts can be found at most fishing ponds meaning that that the avid angler would not have to invest in buying his/her own gear while there are facilities for the angler’s tag-alongs to enjoy because let’s face it, nothing kills the moment more than a whiny partner (unless you are Jackie Chan’s character from Rush Hour, that’d be funny).

Compiled here are some of the ponds that I have been frequenting including some basic details such as price, the type of fishing, target fish species, pond location and creature comfort ratings. As for google locations and further details, click on their respective links to check them out.

 

Pond name: Bungsamran.

Operating hours: They are never closed, NEVER.

Target species:  Mekong giant catfish, striped catfish, Siamese giant carp and arapaima.

Fishing type: Bait fishing.

Location: Nawamin soi 42.

Contact: 02-734-9272, www.bungsamran.com.

Price: B400 for Thais or farangs with work permits, B1,000 for farangs without work permits. B20,000 for the arapaima fishing license.

Summary: The fish here are BIG and quite commonly break people’s rods. Anyone with some money can rock in and catch a monster fish with the help of a paid guide (B1,000). It would be the perfect bait fishing pond if they don’t have the evil racist double-pricing. An un-geared visitor without a working permit or fishing skills can be expected to pay around B3,000 for a great day of fishing.

Creature comforts: Simply the best of any  pond. An internet cafe, convenience store, cafe, restaurant and very cheap massages (B120-180 per hour). You can even rent personal fishing bungalows (B800-5,000). Also toilets are clean. This is the perfect place to bring a non-fishing significant other.

Gear rental: Yes.

 

Pond name: Sukuna.

Operating hours: Open daily 10am-10pm.

Target species:  striped catfish and Mekong giant catfish.

Fishing type:  Bait fishing.

Location: Soi Mungkorn-Kandi Km. Soi entrance is located at 8 Theparak, Muang Samut Prakan. About 30km from downtown Bangkok.

Contact: 02-755-4433.

Price:  B100 per rod on weekdays, B120 per rod on Saturdays, B150 per rod on Sundays and B60 after 6pm everyday.

Summary:  Sukana is the poor man’s Bungsamran. Most of the fish here are the smaller striped catfish but those waiting to catch a Mekong giant will have a chance with a little more patience. Plus, the pond doesn’t discriminate in pricing. The people here can also mix your bait for you in their mixing machine free of charge.

Creature comforts: The pond has many little stone gazebos scattered across their lush grassy grounds making this quite the nice place to take someone on a date. The restaurant here is not bad and the toilets are clean.

Gear rental: yes.

 

Pond name: Amazon BKK

Operating hours: Open daily 6am-9pm.

Target species:  Arapaima, red tail catfish and red tail/tiger hybrid catfish.

Fishing type:  Lure and fly fishing.

Location: Ratchmontri road near Phutthamonthon sai 1.

Contact: 081-426-4203.

Price: B500 per rod for full day, B300 per rod for half day.

Summary: Here is an affordable pond where one can catch exotic fish species such as the arapaima and the red tail via artificial fishing without having to break the bank. The venue and is not too big and neither are the fish (arapaimas are about 50kg max but mostly around 5-10kg) but hey, it’s cheaper than Bungsamran’s B20,000 fee.

Creature comforts: Amazon’s setting is quite gorgeous. A lush green garden filled with a variety of plants surrounding several hand carved Bungalows, this place is quite fantastic to bring a date except for the toilets which aren’t that welcoming.

Gear rental: No.

 

Pond name: Pilot 111.

Operating hours: Open daily 6am-9pm.

Target species:  Barramundi, giant snakehead, striped snakehead, spotted featherback and rock catfish.

Fishing type:  Lure and fly fishing.

Location: Bangna-trad kilometre 39.5.

Contact: 086-316-8773.

Price: B500 per rod.

Summary: With eight different ponds and so many fish species divided into separate ponds as well as very little trees in the way this is easily the best lure and fly fishing pond at the moment.

Creature comforts: The facilities here are basic but very clean. The manicured lawns, the spotlessly clean restaurant and bathroom makes you feel like you’re at a golf club.

Gear rental: No.

 

Pond name: Texas Chuan Chom.

Operating hours: flexible, just call the owner.

Target species: Barramundi, giant snakehead, striped snakehead and rock catfish.

Fishing type: Lure fishing.

Location: Thanon Pracha Samran, Khlong sip song, Nong Chok.

Contact: Saek – 081-383-4151.

Price: B100 to fish in one pond and B200 to fish in all five ponds.

Summary: This humble little pond is run by a passionate lure fisherman who is obsessed with the Texas rig method of fishing. The striped snakehead pond is dedicated exclusively to this fishing method. This pond is for the serious angler and is exceptionally difficult but worth the challenge.

Creature comforts: They have a bamboo gazebo that sits on top of one of the ponds and they have a pretty good kitchen here. The bathroom needs a little work but it’s not the worst I’ve seen.

Gear rental: No, but the owner will lend you his and can sell you some rubber lures.

 

That’s it, I hope this can inspire some of you to pick up the wonderful art of fishing in this wonderful city. Until next we meet, fun times and tight lines!

 

 

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10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 6) by On Nutter

By On Nutter

February 7, 2011

THE GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED: Have you ever met a Thai geography teacher? I thought not. Most Thais would struggle to locate their own country on a map. As for the world beyond the kingdom’s boundaries, that is a closed book. “Is England close to Australia?” I was once asked by a girlfriend. “Er, no. They are on opposite sides of the world,” I replied. My inquisitor looked unconvinced and added: “Why do Australians look like farangs then?” My brief history lesson on Aboriginals and Britain’s policy of exporting criminals to faraway lands (Pattaya has replaced Botany Bay in that respect) left her shaking her head as she headed to a world map hanging on my bedroom door. Studying the Arctic Circle, she asked where the wall was. “What bloody wall?” I asked, by now somewhat exasperated. “The one that keeps the sea in.”

BUYING MYSELF LADY-DRINKS: This strange episode reinforced the notion that my main role in this country is to prop up the economy. Hungover and grumpy, I was sipping an orange juice in an empty beer bar when I noticed that my bill gave the price as an outrageous 120 baht. I called over a waitress and told her that a mistake had been made. She defiantly announced that orange juice was 120 baht because it was a lady-drink. “As I have bought a lady-drink for myself, will I get the commission?” I asked incredulously. She said that would not be possible. “Do I have to barfine myself if I want to leave?” I asked, not entirely in jest. “Up to you.”

INAPPROPRIATE SALAD GARNISHES: There is a place for a limp, soggy collection of lettuce, cucumber and tomato. That place is either the bin or a vegetarian’s stomach. I certainly don’t want to see such unwanted and unappealing items contaminating my full English breakfast or lurking under my spaghetti bolognese. What are the chefs thinking of?

THAI MALES WEARING ONLY TOWELS: Those of you who never leave The Farang Reservation will not have witnessed this phenomenon. Believe it or not, Bangkok’s less desirable areas are full of mean-looking patriarchs who never get dressed. I used to see them daily on my walks through the slums of Klong Toey. They occasionally emerge from their roadside hovels to spit in the gutter or splash water over themselves, drying themselves with the threadbare towel covering their midriff. They would fit in well among their shirtless farang brethren in Pattaya.

THE INSUFFICIENT AGE GAP: When I was 48 (not so long ago, honestly), I had a Thai girlfriend of 32. This 16-year age gap caused gasps of horror and outrage when I revealed it to female friends on a visit to England. They looked at me as though I had descended into paedophilia and earnestly advised me to seek someone of my own age. Back in the parallel universe of Bangkok, the reaction of friends was also of shock – that I should be dating someone so old. “Honestly, she has her own teeth and everything,” I protested as I was advised to trade her in for a younger model. Before I could do so, she dumped me for a younger farang and left me contemplating my approaching senility.

THE BILL BARRIER: In normal countries, utility companies make it as easy as possible for customers to pay their bills because, unsurprisingly, they want your money. Not so in upside-down Thailand, where obstacles are placed in your way if you miss an often unrealistic deadline. My electricity bill usually arrives only two or three days before the deadline for paying it at the 7-Eleven or by other electronic means. After being out of town and missing the deadline, I called the electricity company to ask how they wanted me to pay the bill. “You must come head office Ploenchit,” I was tersely informed. As I could not get time off work for such a chore, I had to pay someone to go there on my behalf. Insane.

LOST TAXI DRIVERS: Even after living in Bangkok for five years, I don’t really know where I am most of the time. Everywhere looks much the same – lots of concrete and 7-Elevens. That’s why I would appreciate it if taxi drivers didn’t ask me for directions to Sukhumvit Road or Victory Monument. Even worse, they always pretend they know where they are going before it becomes apparent that they are fresh off the farm in Udon Thani. That explains how I once ended up on the outskirts of Nonthaburi after asking to go to an immigration office near Chatuchak Park. Bastards.

THE BROLLY BRIGADE: Unlike normal people, Thais don’t use umbrellas when it is raining. They use them to fend off the sun’s evil rays, which seems a bit pointless in a country of dark-skinned people where it is sunny nearly every day. Given their lack of spatial awareness and sloth-like walking, Thais holding umbrellas represent a potentially fatal danger to pedestrians trying to pass them. Be careful out there.

THAI TONES: As a monosyllabic language with pretty basic grammar, Thai should be easy to learn. But it isn’t because someone decided, for no logical reason, that it should have five tones. Get a tone even slightly wrong and your attempt to say “Have a nice day” can instead mean “Your mother is a whore who sleeps with pigs”. My attempt to order the well-known noodle dish radna created a linguistic crisis in one restaurant. Pronounced in the flat tones of northern England, my order created not a flicker of recognition among the serving staff. Even the manager came over to try to understand what the farang wanted to eat. “You must know what it is – it’s virtually Thailand’s national dish,” I pleaded. In desperation, I started experimenting with the tone of the second syllable. Eventually, the message got home when I pronounced the na with an elongated rising tone in the manner of an opera singer rounding off a virtuoso performance. I swear I heard applause.

THE DICK COUNT: As I sauntered through Robinson department store one day, a saleswoman at the perfume counter invited me to join “a big dick count”. I was quite flattered and nodded my approval. “You’re really having a dick count?” I asked. “Yes. 50 per cent off all items,” she said with a smile.

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My Love Affair With Thailand – Epilogue

By Inspector Cowboy

December 9, 2010

Epilogue

After leaving Nok I felt pretty bad. I quite simply did not want to leave Thailand. I buried myself in the anonymity of Don Mueang airport and had a few beers to make me feel better. Thankfully the departure time for the flight came quickly and I was soon on my way to Istanbul. A short stopover and I was greeted by a dull and rainy Heathrow. Reality.

I never went back to see Nok and soon afterwards the bars on Asoke Corner were pulled down. I wish I had kept her telephone number but sadly I didn’t. I would love to meet her again some ten years later and I hope things have turned out well for her.

I met Tuk again about a year later in a different bar on Soi Cowboy. She had lost weight but still had that effervescent sparkle about her. She told me Meow had met a farang and didn’t work in a bar anymore. I asked Tuk to send my regards to Meow and wish her well.

Poo was working in the same go-go bar up until a couple of years ago and had been promoted to cashier. She was still partial to debagging customers right up until the time she left her employment.

Sai from Patpong has never been seen again, Just Do It Sai!

Geoff is living in Thailand full time after selling his dental practice and narrowly escaped death during the tsunami. His beach hut was swept away but luckily Geoff and his companion escaped with nothing more serious than some cuts and bruises. We still meet up a couple of times a year wherever Geoff may be in Thailand. I have never asked him if he ever met up with the devil lady.

Pim – Whereabouts unknown.

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A Long Return To Thailand – Part 3

By Inspector Cowboy

November 27, 2010

I awoke at nearly midnight with Jeab in my arms. I felt totally worn out which I guess was a result of the excitement of the past few days, jet-lag and making love with Jeab. I lay there for a few moments my nostrils filled with the scent of Jeab’s hair, listening to the distant sound of traffic from Second Road. I was ravenously hungry and gently let go of Jeab as I went to the shower. Jeab stirred slightly but remained asleep. The air conditioning had made the room cool and I switched on a bedside lamp. I stood under the shower trying to decide whether I would go out and take Jeab with me, go out and send Jeab home, stay in my room with Jeab or stay in my room without Jeab. Such are the decisions to be made in Thailand.

I decided to leave Jeab sleeping while I went downstairs to have a drink in the hotel bar. Half expecting to meet green stripe polo shirt I entered the lift and descended to the ground floor. I could hear the music from the bar opposite as I ordered a Heineken and sat down with my thoughts. The bar was virtually empty with only a couple of guys accompanied by Thai ladies. They spoke in hushed tones as I stood up to collect a copy of the Bangkok Post from the newspaper rack. As I did this I heard a voice behind me.

“Mind if I join you mate?”

The accent was unmistakably Australian and belonged to a guy who looked to be in his mid-thirties, about my height with a short military type haircut wearing light blue jeans, a white shirt and suede desert boots.

“Yes, no problem, sit down here, fancy a beer? I’m Gerry from England”. We shook hands.

“My name’s Jim I’m from Sydney”.

I got Jim a bottle of Singha and I got a bottle of Heineken, we sat down at a table with a view through the window of the soi. Jim was in Pattaya on holiday and this was his first night. He had arranged to meet some friends in Pattaya but their flight was delayed and they’d decided to spend the night in Bangkok.

“Great place mate” said Jim taking a hearty glug from his beer.

“My first time here Jim, got here this morning and things are going fine so far”. My mind wandering briefly to wonder what Jeab was doing upstairs. I’d locked all my valuables in the room safe and hated doing it because I wanted to trust everyone but better to be safe than sorry.

“What you got planned tonight?” said Jim as his eyes followed a couple of young ladies walking up the soi towards Second Road.

“Nothing at the moment mate, any ideas?”

Of course Jim had ideas. We discussed our plans and I quickly made the decision to relieve Jeab of her duties and hit the town with Jim. I caught the lift upstairs and knocked on the room door. Jeab opened the door almost immediately, smiling wrapped in a white towel and wearing a shower cap. I explained I was going out with my friend from the bar and would she give me her telephone number. I didn’t know exactly how to say I wanted her to go but she got the message but not before peeling off her towel and standing naked in front of me saying, “I horny tilac”. My return to the hotel bar and my new friend Jim took slightly longer than I anticipated. I introduced Jeab to Jim before she went on her merry way laden with baht.

It was getting towards one o’clock in the morning as Jim and myself jumped into a baht bus and headed towards Soi 8. Jim had been to Soi 8 earlier in the evening and recommended we revisit. We paid the baht bus driver his fare and entered Soi 8. Soi 8 runs parallel to Soi 13 between Second Road and Beach Road further north along the coast. It is lined by bars on both sides and is about 150 metres in length. As we arrived the bars were closing but it was still possible to have a drink outside the bars and the place was buzzing with people. The lights in the bars had been turned off and the volume of the music was reduced but there was still a fun atmosphere with hundreds of people still partying. Girls, and ladyboys, were in abundance all around us as we drank our beers and took in the scenery. We were soon joined by a couple of girls, Bom and Art. Bom latched onto Jim and Art seemed to take a liking to me. We bought them drinks which looked more like works of art than a beverage and settled down to talk away and watch the activities on Soi 8. Art spoke excellent English and we were soon deep in conversation about nothing in particular. I endured the now familiar interrogation – name, duration of stay, name of hotel, how old, wife? Girlfriend? Where you go? etc. The answers I gave seemed to satisfy both Art and myself as the crowds on Soi 8 thinned slightly. Bom got up to go and get some food for her and Jim so I asked Art if she wanted anything. Art smiled and said yes so she joined Bom on the food run. I was looking forward to something to eat as I hadn’t eaten since the chicken and fruit earlier in the day. I asked Jim how he was getting on and I got the response, “Bonzer” which I took to mean things were going great with him and Bom. We got another couple of beers from a very tall ladyboy who had now assumed waitress duties for us. Bom and Art returned clutching a veritable feast which included a doner kebab, a couple of burgers, some som tam, a fish with what looked like garlic, lime and chilli, a few bags of sticky rice and some noodles and we all tucked in although I noticed the girls gave the burgers and kebab a wide berth.

The food finished we ordered more beers and spectacular beverages for the girls and talked about moving on. Bom suggested we went to a disco she knew was open until the morning. Jim and myself didn’t take much persuading as we quickly finished our drinks and hopped into a passing baht bus. I sat next to Art on one side of the baht bus and opposite Bom and Jim held each other as we commenced our breakneck speed journey to the mystery destination. We turned inland away from the sea. I recognised the road we were on from my journey into Pattaya the previous morning as we passed some very large hotels. The street lights became more sparse and darkness seemed to envelope us as we travelled to our mystery destination. Suddenly the baht bus slowed and in front of us stood a huge warehouse type structure adorned with flashing neon lights. It was like an oasis in the middle of darkness with what seemed like hundreds of Thai men and women along with farangs accompanied by Thai girls. Art and Bom seemed very excited to have arrived as we alighted the baht bus and paid the driver.

Outside the queue to enter the venue snaked around the side of the building. There were dozens of food carts sprinkled around the place along with small stalls selling beer and soft drinks to those in the queue. Bom and Art disappeared for a couple of minutes and reappeared clutching bags of what I thought were chocolate chip cookies although on closer inspection they were deep fried baby frogs which both Art and Bom nibbled on voraciously. They offered Jim and myself a frog each but we both politely declined causing the girls to giggle furiously no doubt revelling in the awkwardness of the two farangs.

The girls entered the venue free of charge and both Jim and myself were charged an admission fee which included a free drink. Inside, the place was jumping. Literally hundreds of Thai’s and farangs dancing and having fun. The venue was enormous and was adorned with flashing lights, huge sheets hanging from the ceiling and a stage where I presumed a band would play at some point. Everybody seemed to be having a great time. Suddenly the music stopped and everybody started chanting something in Thai, the noise got louder as the chanting became louder and louder. Me and Jim looked at each other laughing and at the same time feeling slightly excluded. Bom and Art were jumping up and down laughing hysterically and shouting, it seemed the whole place was going to explode when the lights flashed even faster, the noise built to a crescendo and there were three enormous loud bangs. This was when I noticed what looked like foam being shot out of what seemed to be huge drainpipes at the side of the stage. The foam shot up into the air seemingly covering everything. The girls were now besides themselves jumping up and down screaming as they were progressively covered with the foam. We all became unrecognisable as the music started up again and people danced, jumped around and melted into a huge mass of foam and humanity. It was mind-blowingly hysterically funny.

Eventually the hysteria subsided and Jim and myself located Art and Bom who had by now de-foamed themselves. They were still in the vicinity but appeared to be shell-shocked after the excitement of the foam. It obviously wasn’t the first time Bom and Art had attended the foam night and judging by how much they had enjoyed it, it wouldn’t be the last.

We left at around five o’clock and wearily made our way towards a queue of baht buses parked on the road that passed the foam warehouse. Art and Bom by now had stopped talking and entered the Thai girl mode of tiredness where nothing short of a firework up the arse would rouse them. We all returned to the hotel in the baht bus tired, happy and looking forward to a good nights sleep. We caught the lift up to our respective floors, me with Art and Jim with Bom and said our goodnights.

Art and myself slept like the proverbial logs, naked and entwined.

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A Long Return To Thailand – Part 2

By Inspector Cowboy

November 27, 2010

The flight from Heathrow with Qantas had been uneventful. I had sat next to an Aussie backpacker who had spent most of the 11 hour flight telling me about a pop festival he had been to regardless of the fact I was pretending to be asleep. Steve had been good to his word and I was now officially a website builder. My plan was to spend a month in various locations around Thailand interspersed with visa runs and a trip or two back to the UK during the year I intended to spend in Thailand. The locations I had chosen were Bangkok, Pattaya, Phuket, Chiang Mai, Koh Samui and Hua Hin although I was prepared for changes and to be flexible.

The trip from Don Mueang airport to Pattaya had taken just about two hours as we pulled up outside the Dynasty Inn on Soi 13 in Pattaya. I had seen the hotel on the internet, it was reasonably priced, was newly built and from the pictures I had seen it looked to be quite plush. I was paying about £20 per night but intended to stay only a few nights before I moved to somewhere a little cheaper after having a look around.

If you choose wisely in Thailand it’s possible to find a hotel that would probably cost 3 or 4 times as much in the UK. Conversely it’s also possible to find a hotel in Thailand that is priced 3 or 4 times more than you would find in the UK. It’s always a combination of good research and good luck.

I checked into my hotel and went to my room. It was now mid-morning and I was a little tired after the flight but was keen to get out and about and see what Pattaya had to offer. I was also mindful of the fact I had to discipline myself to at least 4 or 5 hours per day in order to do the work that would sustain me financially during my stay. I jumped into the shower after unpacking my bags and putting the clothes I was wearing into a plastic bag ready to take to the laundry. The warm shower was refreshing and also relaxed me after my long journey. I luxuriated as the water cascaded over me and I thought of the events leading to where I was now. I still had some doubts over whether I was doing the right thing but I had chosen to put them at the back of my mind and enjoy what I had.

After my shower I lay on the bed and before I knew it my watch was telling me it was four o’clock in the afternoon. I must have been more tired than I realised and I felt a little cheated that I had fallen asleep. This was a recurring theme during my time in Thailand where I found myself feeling out of sorts if I had missed something, as though I had to live every single moment.

I showered again, put on a t-shirt, some shorts, a pair of sandals, left my room and entered the lift on my way out. As I entered the lift I noticed another occupant, a girl wearing a pair of denim shorts, a pink t-shirt, a baseball cap and a pair of training shoes. I guessed she was about 23 years old, her hair was still slightly damp which gave the impression she had recently showered. I smiled at her as I entered the lift and she smiled back. I pressed the button marked “0” and we stood silently and slightly awkwardly as one tends to do in a lift. A few seconds later the ding of the lift bell indicated we had reached our destination as I stood back slightly inviting my lift companion to exit first. We both walked through the foyer and I dropped my room key off at reception. I noticed the girl from the lift also stopped at the reception desk in order to collect what I presumed was her ID card. As I stepped outside the hotel I made the transition from air conditioned coolness to the heat that was Pattaya. It felt like I was being stroked gently by a hairdryer such was the heat of the day.

I stood on the steps of the hotel surveying what was before me. To my right was Second Road and further down the soi to my left I could see the sea and just across the road was a bar. I was feeling a little hungry and so decided to look for something to eat. I had no real plans about what to do after eating apart from walking around and familiarising myself with my surroundings. A little further down the soi towards the sea I spotted a wheelbarrow stall being pushed by an elderly lady wearing a huge smile and a Mexican style sombrero even bigger than her smile. As I approached her I noticed she was selling different types of fruit. I looked at her fruit display as she stopped enabling me to get a closer look. Such was the heat of the day I suspect she was rather grateful she had an excuse to put her barrow down for a while. I recognised the melon, pineapple and sliced bananas but the other fruit I hadn’t seen before, some orange coloured fruit, some small red berries, some white fruit with black specks and some round white fruit. I asked the lady for some of each and she filled a couple of bags with a selection of her wares. She handed them to me still smiling and held up four fingers indicating 40 baht for the lot. I gave her a 50 baht note and told her to keep the change, her smile grew even wider as she bowed slightly and resumed pushing her wheelbarrow. A pound for two huge bags of fruit left me feeling very happy. I continued walking down the soi towards the sea and Beach Road munching on my purchase and enjoying the new flavours of fruit I had never seen before. As I approached the corner of the soi and Beach Road I spotted the same girl who had been in the hotel lift just minutes before. She was standing at a som tam stall chatting to a lady who was pounding out the som tam. As I walked past she saw me, smiled and said, “sawasdee khrup”. I smiled back and replied “sawasdee khrup”. Her hair had dried quickly in the heat and I noticed that it was slightly permed with some light brown highlights. Her eyes were bright and playful, her skin looked to be soft and smooth but most of all I noticed her perfectly rounded bottom and breasts. She sure was a very attractive young lady. I held out a bag of my fruit and asked her if she would like some, she smiled and took some, not taking her eyes off me for a moment as if assessing me. She asked,

“Where you from?”

I recognised this interrogation technique from my time in Bangkok a few months earlier, I was familiar with it and it felt somewhat reassuring.

“I’m from England, where are you from?”

“I Udon”

I knew Udon Thani was a city in a northern region of Thailand called Issan where many of the working girls came from so I replied,

“Udon Thani?”

She laughed and said something in Thai to the lady who was still pounding away at the som tam.

“What your name?” she asked me and I told her my name was Gerry from England. She said her name was Jeab. So that was it, Gerry from England and Jeab from Udon Thani. As happens thousands of times a day in Thailand, two total strangers from opposite sides of the world meeting for the first time with one inevitable outcome.

Jeab spoke reasonably good English and we chatted for a while as she waited for her som tam to be finished. The lady making the som tam finished pounding away and shovelled the contents of the pot into a polystyrene tray and handed it to Jeab who handed the lady a few coins. A thought crossed my mind as to how som tam was transported before polystyrene was invented but the thought quickly dissipated as I caught a glimpse of Jeab’s breasts under her pink t-shirt.

We walked slowly north along Beach Road towards a place to sit down as we chatted about nothing at all in particular, Jeab asking me how long I was to be in Pattaya for and me asking questions but not really listening to the answers. We found somewhere to sit and Jeab opened her polystyrene box of rich bright red and green colours which looked delicious but smelt dreadful. As I continued munching my fruit she tucked into her dinner sitting cross-legged on a wall overlooking the beach and sea. The sun was getting lower in the sky and I saw jetski’s, parachutes and speedboats weaving their way around the bay, it was a scene of great activity, of people having fun, I was living in a dream.

Jeab told me she had been working in Pattaya for three months. She had a baby in Udon Thani and sent money home to her mother who was looking after her baby. Her husband had gone off with another girl and her father had died when she was young. This had me feeling sorry for Jeab and I wanted to hug her but her smile told me she was happy with her life and I don’t think my western perception of her life would have gone down very well with her. She finished her som tam and then started on what was left of my fruit, boy could she shift some tucker. The fruit finished I suggested we go for a drink along the road. I was also craving one of the lollipop chickens I had seen so many times in Bangkok. We crossed the road from the beach side to the side where the hundreds of bars, shopping malls, restaurants and bar complexes are to find a place to have a drink. After some 20 minutes walking past what seemed like hundreds of places we came upon a bar with a lollipop chicken stall outside. The bar was playing music in the early evening and seemed quite lively. Jeab offered to barbecue my chicken outside for me while I ordered the drinks. I handed her a 100 baht note as I entered the bar. Jeab wanted a nam pau which is bottled water and I got a Heineken. As I sat down I spotted Jeab turning my chicken on the barbecue coals. She really was an attractive lady, she was not now wearing her baseball cap and her hair shone under the rapidly descending sun. She was quite tall for a Thai, maybe 5’ 6”, her legs were well-proportioned, her bottom was well rounded and her breasts were firm and medium sized. Even though she had told me she had a baby it didn’t seem to have taken a toll on her physique. I was feeling quite pleased with myself.

Jeab returned with a big handful of chicken for both me and her and handed me a few coins change which I put in my pocket. She also produced a small pot of chilli into which we dipped the chicken. As I looked out over Pattaya bay eating my chicken, sipping my beer and chatting to Jeab I was in a good place.

We left the bar and walked slowly backed towards the hotel. We hadn’t discussed what would happen next, I guessed we both just knew. Jeab was good company, she made me laugh and I loved the way she tried really hard to pronounce English words and in some cases just couldn’t quite get them right. She said “pomplim” instead of problem which I thought was really cute and when I asked her about it she tried really hard to say “problem” while furrowing her brow, slowly and deliberately trying to say it the same as me but to no avail. We both laughed as she tried. The carefree way Thai women approach life is a total contrast to the way I find western women approach life. Western women take themselves so seriously and seem to have lost the fun gene from their DNA. I hope this gene is firmly implanted in the Thai DNA for a long time to come.

We arrived back at the hotel and approached the reception desk to collect my key and Jeab produced her ID card to hand over to the receptionist. As we walked towards the lift I noticed a guy to my left who was also heading towards the lift. He was an elderly chap wearing beige shorts, a green striped polo shirt, white socks and sandals and a baseball cap indicating he was a follower of the Yankees. He was also smiling at Jeab. I looked at Jeab who had adopted a somewhat confused look as she glanced at both me and the elderly chap. She said nothing as we waited for the lift doors to open and we all entered the lift together. In the lift I could see Jeab glancing at the gentleman and then glancing at me and green striped polo shirt seemed to be smirking to himself. I glanced in the lift mirror to see if anything had inadvertently stuck to my head or if I had “Idiot” tattooed on my forehead, neither was true. As the lift neared my floor I stepped forward as did Jeab as we waited for the doors to open and as we departed the lift a voice from behind us said, “Goodnight Jeab”. I turned round to see the doors of the lift closing. I looked at Jeab who had the look of somebody who had just seen a ghost. I asked her if she was ok as the penny dropped. I smiled as it hit me. I had first met Jeab in the lift a couple of hours earlier. I had guessed she had just been with a customer as her hair was wet and she had collected her ID card from the hotel reception on her way out. My money was on green striped polo shirt being that customer and coincidentally we had met him in the lift. I didn’t relay my thoughts to Jeab but smiled to myself at the coincidences that life throws up and also at the fact Jeab was going to have a very profitable day.

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A Long Return To Thailand – Part 1

By Inspector Cowboy

November 27, 2010

The time passed quickly as I sat in the taxi heading for Pattaya. This was a journey I had wanted to make for many years and now the time had come. I had a whole month to discover the delights of Pattaya and that month was starting today.

Since leaving Bangkok 3 months before I had experienced the full gamut of emotions. Leaving Bangkok had been painful. I had discovered a side of life that left me feeling exhilarated. I had enjoyed the company of and made love with some beautiful ladies, I had met some lovely people and made some good friendships. The lifestyle of balmy evenings sipping beer, eating delicious cheap food and watching the world go by agreed with me most favourably. I had discovered a heady cocktail and under no circumstances was I going to let it go. It seemed I had discovered my own private heaven.

The job interview in London just a few days after returning to England had gone well, in fact it had gone so well I had got the job, the interviewer saying I had impressed enough to be offered the job there and then on the spot. I had thanked the interviewer with the correct amount of enthusiasm and surprise as I shook his hand looking him in the eye more to convince myself that I wanted the job than to convince him he had chosen the right candidate. Inside I knew I had changed. A month before the interview I would have crawled over broken glass, hot coals, man o’ war jellyfish, hungry crocodiles and the odd stinging nettle to be offered this job but now it didn’t matter. I didn’t want the job, the job where I was going to get a generous 5 weeks paid holiday a year, a non-contributory pension plan, membership of a health club and a London Underground season ticket. These things no longer mattered to me, what mattered to me now was Thailand and that was it. The day after the interview I received a formal offer of employment through the letterbox outlining the package being offered to me. The salary was reasonable, the benefits were generous and the working conditions were excellent. The words that jumped out at me from the offer letter were those written large and black and bored into my consciousness, “Five weeks paid holiday”. As I read them I felt hopelessness, that confusion and helplessness I remembered from years before when I had lost my mother in the supermarket as a small child. How would I be able to enjoy Thailand with only five weeks paid holiday each year? I called the company and lied saying I had encountered some personal problems and would have to decline the offer. They sounded disappointed and asked me to contact them once I had sorted out whatever problem I had. I wish they had been angry with me, called me a nasty name and left it at that instead of being so bloody nice about it. So bloody nice.

I needed a job where I could work and have time off, lots of time off. Those jobs aren’t easy to come by because let’s face it, everybody wants those jobs. I racked my brains for a week thinking what I could turn my hand to. Sheep shearing in the Falklands, e-Bay trading, male escort, driving instructor, oil rig worker, freelance writer and porn star were amongst the more sane ideas I had. My ideas fountain had dried up and I needed a break. I have a friend in Bristol who had also visited Thailand some years before and was now in an unhappy marriage with a lady who had morphed into a nasty overweight overbearing copy of her mother. I had met her mother at my friends wedding a few years before and commented to him that if his new wife turned into her mother then he should either consider suicide or homosexuality. He laughed at the time but he was not laughing now.

We went for a drink near Bristol Templemeads station. Bristol Parkway and Bristol Templemeads, two railway stations for Bristol, something I’ve never understood and, I guess, neither does Bristol. It was early evening and Steve had just finished work. I had phoned him earlier in the day to tell him what time I was arriving in Bristol and he seemed to be looking forward to meeting up with me. In fact the impression I got was Steve was looking forward to anything that didn’t involve having to go home and face his duplicate mother-in-law over a plate of sausage, egg and chips. It was raining outside, the nights were drawing in and there were the beginnings of the cold that signalled yet another English winter. We sat in the corner of the bar each with a pint of Heineken which, to my mind, now seemed so out of place in an English pub without a cooling condom container and a beautiful Thai lady to talk to. We chatted small talk about his work, his day, my day, the journey to Bristol Templemeads on the train and the weather. We sat silently sipping our beer thinking of something else to say listening to the rain outside, me contemplating my future, Steve contemplating his mistake sat at home. Steve was fully aware I had been to Thailand and in fact he was a major factor in me making my decision to go. I guessed he had secretly wished it was him who was going when I was making my plans, he was a good friend. Little did he know how much it had changed my view on life and I was about to tell him.

I told Steve about Nok, Pim, Geoff, Poo, and everyone I had met in Thailand, I told him about turning the job down and my fruitless quest for a job that would enable me to visit Thailand as often as possible during the year. I told him I just didn’t know what to do. One of the reasons Steve was a good friend is he is non-judgemental, he is laid back and nothing seems to bother him, that is apart from his wife.

He sat silently for a few seconds thinking. This was usual with Steve when he was thinking about something to say. I hoped he wasn’t going to be judgemental or laugh or tell me to grow up or any number of other responses I was expecting. Instead he said,

“Mate, I wish I was in your shoes”

“How do you mean?”

“You know when I visited Thailand a few years ago I felt exactly the same as you but I had just met Jane and, you know, that just seemed more important at the time.”

I figured it wasn’t really the right time to say anything about Jane even though I wanted to tell Steve he should just up sticks and come to Thailand with me. I asked him what he would do in my shoes.

“Look, it’s not up to me but I know how hard you worked at university, how you wanted to make a new start in life and is that new start working in an office with free travel on the underground? No it isn’t, your new start is you doing what pleases you. You have found something that pleases you and now we have to find out how you achieve that aim.”

I wasn’t surprised by his response but it was the way he said it with such conviction that made an impression upon me.

We carried on drinking Heineken and said nothing more about Thailand for the rest of the evening.

The next morning after waking up I called Steve from my room in the Holiday Inn. We had both got spectacularly drunk the night before and ended up in an anonymous Indian restaurant eating chicken vindaloo, nan breads, popadums, rice and chips washed down with the best house Stella Artois. I couldn’t recall returning to the hotel but had a fleeting memory of being sick outside the kebab shop next door to the Indian restaurant.

I met Steve in the hotel bar at midday. He looked a lot happier than he had the night before in the pub near Bristol Templemeads station. In fact he had a big smile on his face which surprised me somewhat considering I guessed his hangover must be at least as painful as mine.

“Sleep well mate?” he asked as he beamed at me.

“What the fuck is up with you?”

“Fuck all, just in a good mood, that’s all”.

I asked if he wanted a beer and we went and sat down near the spiral staircase out of earshot with two pints of Heineken.

“Jane was up to her tricks again this morning when I woke up.”

I nodded in an understanding manner not wanting to make a judgement but I knew what he was going through. I asked what she had done.

“It doesn’t matter what she did but I’ve told her I’ve had enough and I’m moving into your flat.”

I know me and Steve are good mates and I’ll help him wherever I can but my flat is in London and he works in Bristol. I told him this as if he didn’t already know.

“I can work from our office in London for a few months until things are sorted out with Jane and then move back to Bristol once the divorce is finalised”, said Steve.

“Divorce?”

“Yes, I’ve been thinking about it for ages and talking to you about new beginnings last night has finally made my mind up, She can have the house, she can have the car, in fact she can have anything she wants, all I want is to get away from her. I’ve finally grown some balls”.

“Well Steve, I can’t say it’s a surprise but you certainly seem to have made up your mind, how about another beer?”

We got another beer and sat for a minute contemplating.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said last night and I’ve had an idea”. Steve said wiping the Heineken froth from his top lip. He seemed to have a sparkle in his eye, as though he was bursting to get something out.

“Ok mate, go ahead, I’m all ears”.

“You know at uni as part of your group project you built some business websites for small charities?”

I’d actually forgotten about building the sites. We’d built the sites as part of a group project for local charities in order to help locally and to expand our skills. I replied that I remembered.

“Well, my company are offering a free web design service for all new customers and I’m in charge of finding a small web design company in the local area. It’s all based on templates, all you need is a basic knowledge of Dreamweaver and HTML and there you go!”

I am no Bill Gates or Steve Jobs but I certainly had used Dreamweaver before and had a basic knowledge of HTML and this sounded good but what did it entail?

“Well you get paid for each site you build by us and that’s about it. We are expecting around 100 sites a month at £20 per site and you can do that from anywhere in the world. The offer is planned to last a year. How does that sound?”

That sounds good but ………………

“But what? It’s about two grand a month and I know you can easily live on two grand a month in Thailand. No ifs or buts, I’ve got you the gig so let’s drink up and go and book your ticket. Besides there’s no way I’m living in your gaff with you!” Steve said looking at me laughing, the happiest I’d seen him since I’d arrived in Bristol the night before.

We booked my flight to Bangkok at the Thomas Cook Flight Centre in Bristol. I was returning to Bangkok in two days.

The taxi raced along the tollway getting closer to Pattaya by the second as I clutched my laptop bag and suitcase. I felt alive.

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My Love Affair With Thailand – Part VII

By Inspector Cowboy

November 16, 2010

Nok was awake before me the following morning, she was putting my things in my suitcase more neatly than I could ever manage. I lay watching her for a few minutes drinking her in knowing my time in this wonderful country was limited. She noticed me lying there watching her and leant over to kiss me. I put my arms around her and pulled her onto the bed. I wanted to stay with her, with all the ladies I had met in Bangkok.

I had to vacate the room by midday and it was getting close to the deadline. I was in two minds as to whether I should take Nok to the airport with me or go on my own. I hate railway station and airport goodbye’s but I wanted to spend every last minute I could with Nok. I said nothing to her about the airport as we continued to pack. I had taken some pictures during my stay that I wanted Nok to have so I had planned to visit a 1 hour picture processing shop a short walk from the hotel entrance. I explained this to Nok who excitedly took the film to the shop for me. I also asked her to order breakfast for us while she was in the hotel lobby. Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the room door and when I answered I was confronted by a giggling Nok accompanied by the lady who, a couple of days earlier, had delivered the breakfast for Tuk, Meow and myself. They both pushed the breakfast trolley into the room where Nok unloaded it onto the table. The lady got another tip and as I handed it to her she gave me a knowing smile. Thankfully the volume of the order was nowhere near the banquet I had enjoyed a couple of days before but nevertheless it was substantial. Nok had a big bowl of tum yum koong and some rice along with some fruit and a flower which I don’t think was for eating. I had some bacon, toast, tea and tomatoes. After breakfast we checked the room for anything I may have left behind. I noticed the Pink Panther toothbrush all alone in the bathroom and decided to leave it there.

In reception I paid my bill and arranged to stow my bag in the storage room for a couple of hours while I made some last minute errands. We collected the photographs from the photo-processing shop and I gave Nok her pictures which she was very pleased with, examining them very closely and smiling. I couldn’t see my tuk tuk friend outside the hotel but recognised a couple of the guys from our barbecue activities over the past few days. I said my goodbyes and wished them all the best with them shouting names of English football teams as I returned to the hotel with Nok. We went to the hotel bar for a drink as we killed time waiting for the inevitable parting.

Nok had undoubtedly experienced the Thailand parting many scores and possibly hundreds of times before but I was a complete novice. I didn’t want to turn into a blubbering wreck nor did I want to appear indifferent. As I drank my Heineken I asked Nok if she would come to the airport with me. She immediately said yes with just the right amount of emotion. Looking pleased I had asked but not going overboard. We sat in silence for a few minutes before I asked if there was anything she needed. She smiled and shook her head. I wanted to buy her a present as we are conditioned to do so in the west but knowing that money would be a more attractive option for her I decided to give her a bonus when I paid her at the airport.

With the time now going past too quickly for my liking I told Nok it was time to go and went to collect my bag from the storage room, I thanked the staff for their service and left a tip on the reception desk. As I passed the excursion desk I glanced across hoping to catch the eye of my nearly friend but she was busy trying to convince a young couple that a cruise down the river by moonlight was a great idea. Nok and myself emerged out into the sunshine to await the taxi I had ordered. Also outside the hotel were a South African couple in their mid-twenties who looked as though they had come straight from Khao San Road. They were concerned as their taxi had not arrived and they were late for their flight. I explained there were taxi’s passing the end of the road every second but they said they had paid at the hotel reception for a taxi and they had just a few baht left. I was a little annoyed when I realised that I may have to share my taxi with this couple when I wanted to make the journey to the airport alone with Nok. Furthermore the South African couple had a mountain of rucksacks, sleeping bags, roll-up mattress mats and gifts. In fact I could feel a rage building. I could always refuse to let them join us but that would be selfish and mean so I hoped the next taxi to arrive would be theirs. I told them to enquire at hotel reception as to the whereabouts of their taxi but as with so many of the youth today they seemed incapable of doing this. I was starting to want to punch the guy in the mouth as his whining voice droned on and his girlfriend was equally annoying due to the fact she made her hair pigtails in a particularly stupid way. A taxi approached the hotel and indicated to pull in beside where we were standing. I was praying it was for them but as God doesn’t exist my prayers weren’t answered, it was my taxi, more specifically it was the taxi I had hired to take me and Tuk alone to the airport. At no point had I ever asked anyone to share it, least of all a couple of whining South African backpackers.

We all piled into the taxi complete with dirty rucksacks on our knees and sleeping bags filling the boot. I sat in the front with a box containing a wooden Buddha on my knee. Nok was in the back clutching a rolled up sleeping bag and I didn’t really care about the backpackers. The journey to the airport was in total silence apart from the driver occasionally trying to make polite conversation. Thank goodness it wasn’t a Porntaxi, that would have been too much.

Arriving at the airport the driver asked me for a tip which I declined to give him. To be fair it wasn’t his fault but I was in no mood to converse with anyone. I deliberately dropped the wooden Buddha on the floor as I got out of the taxi and immediately regretted my immaturity. The South Africans disappeared with their belongings after thanking us both and I turned my attention to Nok. I apologised to her but I think she was blissfully unaware of the turmoil I was experiencing. She probably thought all farangs travelled like that.

I met up with Nok after I had checked in for my flight and we went upstairs to the bar with me hoping I wouldn’t see the South Africans drinking champagne and tucking into canapés and caviar. Thankfully they were nowhere to be seen. I needed a drink after the shenanigans of the previous hour or two. I had mentioned smoked salmon to Nok a few days before and she had told me she didn’t know what it was so when I saw it on the bar menu I asked her if she wanted some. She laughed and said she would “lub” to have some. I ordered some along with a beer and water for Nok. We sat in silence, me thinking of the past few days and the fantastic memories I had. I have no idea what Nok was thinking because she didn’t tell me and I didn’t ask. The smoked salmon arrived on a silver plate and Nok tucked in. She seemed to enjoy it and grinned as I watched her eat. I had ordered some salami and ciabatta which Nok was also keen to try which she did and polished off most of mine aswell as her smoked salmon. When Nok excused herself to go to the toilet I left some money under her handbag.

It was now time for my flight so we stood up to go downstairs and I noticed Nok pick up the money without counting it and put it in her purse. I hope she was happy with the amount I gave her. We then went downstairs where I paid for my exit visa and Nok stood silently watching me. This was the crunch. I looked at Nok, she looked at me. We both had tears in our eyes and we held each other tightly for a few moments. I held my face close to hers and gave her a sniff kiss causing her to hold me even tighter for a brief moment. We then separated, held hands for one last moment as I turned and walked away.

Goodbye Nok and goodbye Thailand.

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