10 things I hate about Bangkok

FARANGS: Have you ever seen such a disreputable collection of beer-bellied, slack-arsed, sartorially challenged, binge-drinking, obnoxious losers? Farang men are even worse.

THE SISTERHOOD: For many years I was puzzled as to why Thai girls had so many sisters. Even more confusing was that there often seemed no family resemblance – one sister would have delicate Chinese looks and the other was as black as an Isaan rice farmer. Perhaps they had different fathers, I thought. Then it was explained to me that “my sister” often means “my very good friend”. Thai logic at its most confusing.

NON-SWEATING THAIS: Within one minute of leaving the safety of air-con, I am sweating like Nelson Mandela in a Ku Klux Klan meeting. Yet all around me Thais in overcoats are huddling together to keep warm. This isn’t fair.

‘ME GO DANCE’: We have all been suckered by this one in go-go bars. After lengthy harassment by a Cola addict, your resistance crumbles and you agree to pay 120 baht for a lady-drink worth around 50 satang. The ying returns with her drink and chit confirming her cut of the transaction, plonks the Cola on the table and announces: “Me go dance.” The pain of this mugging never eases with time. The last time it happened to me, I complained to the girl that I expected her to sit with me in return for my generosity. “Me only sit with you if you pay bar,” she replied defiantly, thereby combining fraud with blackmail.

THE TERMINALLY ILL WATCH SELLER: You know the one I mean: the old guy with the lump on his face who gets thinner each time you see him. He prowls lower-Sukhumvit bars day and night. I have a grudging respect for his work ethic, even though I have been declining his special prices for some years. I am always polite but every now and then he gives me a load of abuse in which the word “buffalo” is liberally used. I asked a bargirl for the significance of this insult. She said it means I am big and stupid. OK, perhaps he has a point.

INDIAN TAILORS: No, I am not your friend and don’t want to shake your hand. No, I don’t want a cashmere suit in a city where I am too hot when I am naked. No, I don’t see the point of you standing outside your shop and harassing passers-by. Yes, I hope you go bust.

THE THAI ZOMBIE WALK: While I don’t expect the locals to rush around in the tropical heat, I would appreciate it if they could stop imitating those zombies you used to see in B-movies. The zombie blockers are the worst. When they see a farang rushing for the Skytrain, they form a V-shaped defensive formation that blocks the entire pavement. The only option then is to risk death by walking on the road and trying to avoid motorcyclists going the wrong way.

7-ELEVEN’S BILL-PAYING SERVICE: I love 7-Elevens. They are the ultimate convenience store – except when you are behind a Thai at the checkout carrying a sheaf of utility bills. The natives’ love of bureaucracy kicks in here as till receipts are stapled to each bill. Being Thai, the customer always queries the total he or she is asked to pay, meaning every transaction must be rechecked. Meanwhile, your iced coffee is getting warm. Set up some direct debits, you selfish pricks.

THE YELLOW PERIL: The Japanese have been rightly blamed for inflating the price of a shag. I have sat in Thermae and listened to a Jap offering 6,000 baht to a cutie for short time. Both parties seemed very happy with the deal – after all, the sum was a lot less than he would pay to be whipped by a dominatrix on his way home from work in Tokyo. Nobody can really fight market forces, so I have no issue here. But what does wind me up is that the fat-walleted Japs have made me invisible in Thermae to all but the most desperate, washed-up hags. One leather-clad abomination, who was more fourth-gender than third-gender, still gives me disturbing post-traumatic flashbacks.

THE AIRPORT: Sitting in the departure lounge waiting to leave the Land of Smiles is truly one of the most depressing experiences any mortal can suffer. Farangland, conformity, political correctness and celibacy await the traveller, not to mention bad weather, ugly women and bland food. After one day away, you will even be missing the Indian tailors.

10 things I hate about Bangkok
10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 2)
10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 3)
10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 4)
10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 5)

25 thoughts on “10 things I hate about Bangkok”

  1. But most do. I know of a girl in my hometown with a Japanese boyfriend. He send her 100000 Baht a month.

  2. Someone should do a 5000 word social documentary essay on the depressing experience of being in the departure lounge waiting to leave the Kingdom and go back to your homeland. To my knowledge this has not been done before. Would make a dead simple introduction to a novel.

  3. Attn: Norrad

    I am in my second decade of going to the Kingdom every six months and the departures at the end of the vacation just get more difficult. In July when I left Da came to the airport with me and cried. Not unusual in Thailand but not usual with other vacations in other countries. After 59 years on this earth I am well and truely done with America. Wish I lived in Thailand.

  4. I feel sorry for these boyfriends who live abroad and send ridiculous amounts of money to their “faithful” Thai girls each month. And he’s probably not the only guy sending her money.

  5. Yeah, my girlfriend often tells me about how she over hears girls bragging about all their foreign boyfriends sending them money. Usually they have 4 or 5 guys who regularly send money and then a few who send every now and then.

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  7. Having been in every different situation you mention, I do sympathize.

    I’ve lived in Asia — mainland China (three cities), Macau, and Thailand (for upwards of 14 years now).

    I even married one of those funny little Chinese gals who was a native of Beijing. We’re divorced now [amicably, I hasten to add], but my real pouint is I do have some experience Dealing with Asia.

    I don’t like many of the things you don’t. And no, I’m not about to tell you to go back to wherever if you don’t like it — that’s not a fair statement, either.

    I do wish to suggest you try to find some positive stuff that makes all the negative stuff worthwhile. My best friend — male, female, nationality and race whatever — happens to be a Thai lady. Her boyfriend from a Western country is also a very, very dear friend — in fact, he left just a couple of days ago after one of his fairly regular visits.

    “Khun Tilac” — by best friend — is reason enough in her own right for me to pause and reflect. I also am blessed to have a substantial number of other Thai — and farang — friends who mean a lot.

    When I get right pissed off (as I regularly do), I try to focus on the things I like. Or, more specifically, the PEOPLE whom I love and care about. My Neighbor. Her boyfriend. And lots of other people.

    YTour list of 50 reasons is way short — there are a helluva lot more reasons than that to hate the place.

    But there arguably are even more reasons to put u[p with the place, as downright irritating as it can be.

    Me? I’m 56 years old, and my will is set up for no one to worry about it — my lawyer will strike his lighter, send my carcass up the chimney, then do with the ashes whatever any survivors I may have want. (Throwing them into the Chao Phraya River wouldn’t be a bad idea, except doing so would contribute to water pollution!)

    Isn’t this a great site???

    Mekhong Kurt

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  9. A whining foreigner? I’m sorry that your life is so terrible, my advice go and live anywhere except in Bangkok. At least then everyone that lives here will have less negativity in their life

  10. Nice one, it’s impressive getting these factual results and came to writing, surely wasn’t done easy.

    Bravo On Nutter! 🙂

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  12. Dude..don’t u have anything else to do? leave da darn forsaken country..doesn’t really help complaining..move on, go elsewhere and complain more

  13. Ein, Y: Number 10 on my list gives more than a hint that I actually love Thailand. The article was meant to be humorous. Sorry it went over your heads.

  14. Brilliant post! Made me laugh and laugh, so true. LOS land of scams..I love you! I miss you, I want your baby! Hold on only going to the toilet! Where is it behind the bar? 5bhat for toilet ka! Do these girls get training at the same GOGO academy? You vely handum man!
    What got on my nerves walking around towns up north is when Thai people forever remind you that you are farang! Well done! One day I’ll rip of the mask and fool you all! Its like me calling people hey chinaman or indian man or thai boy in every conversation in Farangland…

    Just booked to go back in December!

    Maybe one to add “mae yao khrap!” This expression becomes second nature when walking around tourist traps!

  15. i know who you mean the old bloke with the swolen face,i got a load of
    abuse from him one night while i was minding my own bussiness in the
    food hall opposite the German beer garden.

  16. “FARANGS: Have you ever seen such a disreputable collection of beer-bellied, slack-arsed, sartorially challenged, binge-drinking, obnoxious losers? Farang men are even worse.”

    I didn’t realize you were talking about farang WOMEN! Hahahahahaa, your articles are the funniest. Made my day 🙂

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