10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 3)

THAI COUPLES: I can still remember the sense of shock I felt at seeing a Thai couple walking hand in hand for the first time. It was my third visit to Thailand and I had never witnessed this phenomenon before. On reflection, there is absolutely no reason why people of the same race, nationality, age, weight and level of attractiveness should not get together, but it just seemed incongruous. On the other hand, my friend Big Mike (a 59-year-old American who weighs 120 kilograms) and his girlfriend (a 20-year-old Cambodian who tips the scales at 42 kilograms) seem a perfectly matched couple.

THE GO-GO BAR CHANGE TRICK: If you are ever short of change, pop into a go-go bar and pay for a Bt100 drink with a Bt1,000 note. Your change will arrive in the form of a Bt500 note, three Bt100 notes and five Bt20 notes, thus making it easier for you to leave a tip. Liberate yourself by putting all the notes in your wallet and saying: “Thanks for the change.”

McDONALD’S: For making some Thai girls fat (though I agree that the Sausage and Egg McMuffin is the greatest culinary creation in the entire world).

BACKPACKERS: Some have started venturing outside their Khao San Road ghetto. This wouldn’t be a problem if they didn’t insist on bringing their backpacks with them. The worst are the two-baggers – they can take out an entire Skytrain carriage just by turning round. Some male backpackers also have a patronising attitude towards people who use soap, as though possessing a pair of Bt100 fishermen’s trousers, a dodgy handbag and a copy of Lonely Planet makes them Paul Theroux.

TAKING THAI GIRLS FOR AN INDIAN MEAL: They will not eat one morsel because they have been conditioned since birth into believing that Indians and their cuisine are smelly and dangerous. They will probably hold their noses at some point. It’s not a problem if you just order things for her that you like yourself. You get to eat everything and still have the kudos of spending money on her. Perfect.

TAKING THAI GIRLS FOR A THAI MEAL: They will not eat one morsel because they have already dined 12 times that day.

INSANE BUS DRIVERS: I suppose that being paid Bt200 a day to negotiate Bangkok’s traffic would drive anyone over the edge. There is one driver on my route who is stark raving bonkers. He talks to himself incessantly and when he gets to a stretch of open road, he starts slaloming the bus and cackling like Hannibal Lecter. In a normal country, he would be under 24-hour care in a mental institution. In Thailand, he has responsibility for the lives of 40 people.

THAIS AT THE DRINKS CABINET IN 7-ELEVENS: I have seen milk turn faster. They can be frozen in thought for up to 10 minutes as they ponder their choice, blocking access to the cabinet and the adjacent aisles. You would think they were faced with some extreme life-changing dilemma instead of deciding between iced coffee and orange juice. Pricks.

THE PLASTIC BAG MOUNTAIN: If I buy 10 items in Tesco Lotus, they will usually be put into five or six ludicrously underfilled bags. A shop assistant once even put a shrink-wrapped mobile-phone top-up card in a plastic bag for me. While I am no sandal-wearing environmentalist, I am getting very concerned about Thailand’s carbon footprint.

‘UP TO YOU’: The favourite English phrase of all Thais, especially bargirls when financial arrangements are being made for their services. It actually means: “If you don’t give me 3,000 baht, I will chop your balls off with a machete and send them to your mother, you cheap farang bastard.”

10 things I hate about Bangkok
10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 2)
10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 3)
10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 4)
10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 5)

20 thoughts on “10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 3)”

  1. 55555, very funny read. “I will chop your balls off with a machete and send them to your mother, you cheap farang bastard.” had me on the floor in stitches.

  2. The “THE GO-GO BAR CHANGE TRICK” doesn’t always work. Somtimes you pay for a 100 Baht drink with a 1000 Baht and you only get 3 100 Baht note and 5 20 Baht notes in your change.

  3. Just when I get my stock of plastic bag down to a quantity of 3 or 4, I go out to the local store for a few groceries, only to return with 10 new plastic bags.

  4. I hate the insane amount of plastic-bagging that people do in the Philippines too. And if you ask them to put your take-out in a paper bag or just ONE plastic bag, they look at you as if you were an escapee from the Mandaluyong Mental Institution. Bah.

  5. Seeing Thai couples is always so refreshing…the chances of it being a genuine relationahip where both want to be in it is always so much higher!

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  8. Hanabi: You are Thai so perhaps the language barrier means that you don’t understand the intended humour and irony. Believe me, I don’t hate Thailand; I love the country and its people.

  9. @hanabi: I have to agree with On Nutter, please read this as humor. I can’t speak specifically for On Nutter but I think this style of humor is used to highlight and think about differences in our culture.

    For instance, On Nutter’s “Thai Couples” was actually meant as humor about how farangs seem to only think about farang/Thai couples. The humor is that we have a very narrow view of Thailand and that there is sometimes a whole other side of Thailand we never see because we tend to only hang out with other farang.

    I would love to see a post from a Thai person called “Ten things I hate about farangs.” If it is done as humor it would help many farangs understand how Thais see westerners in their country. What things do we do that annoy you? What things do we do that in Thai culture seem stupid/funny/rude/etc?

  10. lolololol!on a second thought these also serve as warnings, at least. 😀

    @hanabi if you aren’t sure of what u get on the writing you may want to do the reading again,true, could be a language barrier issue but reacting to something one isn’tn sure what is it all about is a bit funny, be careful that might be included in the next series. lololol!

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  12. ok, i dont read your crap and i dont wanna waste my time.
    just so you know low-class white tourists are pollution for my country.

  13. dude im from thailand and i think you are wrong motherfucker
    their is a lot of cool places and nice bitches , fuck u racist

  14. If you hate just don’t go. You can go somewhere else’s and I hope you have enough money to go. All the shit things in Thailand from the white people bring to us. I wish if you ever come to Thailand again , you will die like a dog and your hands , mouth get cut off …

  15. Can you tell me where are you from? I will post about who comes from the same as your country I will convince Thai people against u guys. You ruine anyone else because your pussy mouth. You son of a bitch.

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