Journal entry, March 2007
I’m in the Phuket airport, writing to you while waiting for the boarding time. We said our goodbyes only one hour ago and I’m already starting to miss you, I’m still full of you, I want to go back to Patong.
Our farewells have been quite short, sorry, I don’t like so much the outpouring of the hearts, and I hope you didn’t find me rude. But now I can see you again in my mind, walking away with your Mickey Mouse grey shorts, blue T-shirt and assorted flip-flops; and I would like to be able to run after you, stop you and hug you one more time, I would like to see one more time your eyes closing and feel your breath becoming short when I kiss you.
I enjoyed every minute I spent with you, and I’m not thinking only of what happened many times in the bed. Even watching TV with you was good, or having som tam lunch with your friends at your home was great also…
I may have been unlucky with the different bar games but I have been so lucky to find you. In my life I have never had such great holidays with a woman. I will never forget. Again, thank you.
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007
how are you? I hope that your eye is better now. Please find in attachment a photo of my favorite super star from the **** Bar!
Received: Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Subject: re: Hello
How are you doing? I’m fine. Thank you for sent your e-mail and photos to me. I very like it and very beautiful. How are your work is o.k.? I’m very glad you don’t forgot me.
Take care of yourself,
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Subject: re: re: Hello
I’m OK and busy at work. I will send to you the other photographs I have made, one per day if I can, like I promised.
Journal entry, early April 2007
Each time I’m thinking of you I’m smiling. Until now there are no dark clouds to cast shadows over the sweet memories I have of you. It makes me happy.
In your room I checked the books and the literary magazines you had, I know that you may read this letter even if it is an unusually long one. This letter has no special purpose beside that I’m so happy and as you are responsible of this I think you should know about it.
I said to you many times the appreciation I had for you. You replied I was “sweet mouth”. But I want badly you to believe me that I have always been sincere. In my memories as well in my camera there are the pictures of a beautiful young woman, and I won’t let anybody says otherwise. I have already sent some to you, and you told me you liked them. Phew! I did my best, but my skills are still too poor, I know I haven’t been able to fully give back the mystery that makes you so attractive to my eyes. This is the bane of many farangs; we are striving for perfection, even with relationship with people, most of the times that makes us unhappy and unsatisfied.
You argued that you are not stunning, that if you didn’t push me a little bit to come to your bar you may have never caught my eyes. But do you remember I didn’t resist? Many times in my life I have stumbled across something and I told myself “oh, just what I need”. You were exactly what I needed and I have been immediately under that so elusive spell that my poor words fail to explain it. And can you tell me why you chose me, and not someone else, in the crowd of punters?
Also, did I tell you that back then it has taken me three days to find you?
There are many ways to be beautiful, you are one among many. And don’t call me “sweet mouth” again, as I’m not! I’m far away now, and I may never see you again, so what do you risk in accepting my praises?
Around me, in the newspapers, and even on the Internet, so many people are grumbling and only a few can speak about what they like. When I don’t like something I shut up and keep it for myself. You did a good job, I have to congratulate you, and you deserve it. And if I find you are beautiful, I can’t help but to tell you.
I didn’t attempt to persuade you that your dark skin and small frame is very attractive to everybody but me because I have the feeling that I can’t. My opinion may not count for you, and you may have heard it too many times already from other farangs before. Each time you watch TV, each time you read a magazine, each time a rich hi-so Thai man looks at you, I’m proven wrong. But it may surprise you; I don’t like these Thai women who modify their body to look more western, I don’t like the faked boobs and the whitened skin that is displayed in the media of your country. These perfect beauties are insipid. And I don’t understand why women want to look like only one same ideal woman. If women looked like all the same this world would be very dull! I like the real stuff, the arms and legs darker than the belly, the scar that tells something about your past, the rebel little toe that doesn’t want to stick together with the other toes, every so-called imperfections that make each of you different and so interesting.
You used so little make-up, isn’t it a proof that you have an attraction that doesn’t need any enhancement at all?
I found you funny with your good girl underwear and yet still very attractive. In my country, many women are wearing lingerie to be attractive and to feel confident, but you, you don’t need, and with your large striped cotton panties, you are just irresistible. When you removed it, I liked the mark made by the elastic on your skin. This is how I know I’m not dreaming, that what is going to happen is for real.
But what make the most for me were your brown tits. I just can’t explain why, but I liked so much your “milk” as you said. Your breasts, they have just the right size as I can hold one in my hand, no need more and believe me, it is an advantage you will appreciate while ageing as they will stay beautiful. Sorry for being so crude but after all I’m only talking about what nature gave to you.
Do you remember how I liked to kiss you? I nearly couldn’t control myself! Ah, I remember very well our first kiss… In the bar, after having drunk, played, sang and laughed; it was around 2 am, the closing time.
I arrived quite early at your bar, yet you took your time with me. I couldn’t believe it, no groping, no “handsome man” bullshit; just a relaxed fun attitude and I have had to win at the Shut the Box dices game to be allowed to kiss you on the cheek! Hour after hour I was growing fonder of you and I was still not sure your were barfinable when I finally asked you to spend the rest of the night with me. It was like waiting for the Christmas night, when deep in your heart you know that there will be a gift under the tree, because you deserve it, but until you see it you are nagged by waves of doubt that make knots in your stomach.
It was the right way to behave with me, I appreciated you waited I took the initiative.
Even your answer to my proposal for further activities in my room was unexpected: “are you really sure this is what you want?” Were you so surprised? Or did you want a confirmation as you were afraid to have misunderstood me?
Also, we didn’t discuss about payments issues, you didn’t bring the topic, and I didn’t ask.
I’m wondering if it is your usual method or if you adapted to me?
This first kiss… I can tell right away if I will have a good time or not with a girl by a single kiss. Even now, I still can recall the feeling of this first kiss on my lips. Your was sweet, wet, refreshing at the same time; your breathe was slightly smelling of garlic, and I knew that you would be very soft and tasty.
I haven’t been disappointed as making love with you was delightful. You were obviously a little bit inexperienced, sticking to the basics I would say, so I believed you when you said that you lost your virginity only four years ago and that you are working in the bar for only one year. Anyway that didn’t matter to me, I know you are a sex worker and what it implies. It is pity I couldn’t stay longer, otherwise I would have been your teacher!
You didn’t tell me overtly, but I have the feeling that your first boyfriend broke your heart and that’s because of him you lost confidence in your fellow countrymen and decided to take your future in hand. I hope no farang will break your heart because you may become as sour and as cynical as your roommate.
How did you guess that I have several girlfriends? I agree that I’m a butterfly, I like women and women like me, including girls like you as I got to learn only recently. It is my fate, and sometimes I think it is a curse, because I can love only one and there is no way we separate. That’s why I didn’t make any promises to you.
But most of all, I remember a very charming woman that has enough wits to sustain long and interesting talks. Frankly I wasn’t expecting this from a bargirl.
And you cheered me up too with so many stories you know! I liked the one about you chasing the crabs in the rice fields and how you cook them. If only I could do this with you back there in your home village near Udon Thani! It would be fun!
And your anecdotes about your work…
Some guys know you from only a few hours and they say “I love you”. You are right, they are out of their mind, but I repeat what I have already told you, if for fun you answer something as crazy as “I love you too”, they may believe it! And after, when the party is over, they will accuse you of lying. This is because some farangs are fed from their youth with love at the first sight stories. But we French people may be closer to Thais than you think. One of our poet said that “there is no love but only proofs of love”.
I understand that you have far more fun now than before when you were working as a waitress in Koh Phi Phi. But the downside is that now you see life and Thailand no more in a biased way. Because you have had some many contacts with farangs, you may have now a different perspective. You told me you don’t like to go back to your hometown and that you get bored after a few days with your family. I’m sorry, but you may already know that, you will never be able to resume your previous life. You are like a ghost, somewhere between two worlds. Sometimes it is better not to know too much.
You can sing , you can dance, you made me laugh, even losing at Connect 4 against you or doing some small shopping with you was a delight, you are a pleasure giver, a superstar.
The problem with the stars is that they are far away and that you get burned if you come near them too closely.
I also appreciated your easy going behaviour, never pushing me for drinks or money, or anything. I have already a boss at home; I don’t need an other one. You are smart, and your plan of attack toward me was the correct one.
I can only approve your sensible approach to this dangerous job you have, of not smoking or taking drugs, never taking more than five ladydrinks per night and taking some days off every month, practicing safe sex and praying weekly to Buddha. You had reasonable expectations. In those conditions it was really a pleasure to try making you happy with good meals at restaurant and some small gifts (what would you have thought of me if I had bought to you an expensive watch or some jewelry?). You seemed to be still able to enjoy simple things of life and you still know how to say “thank you”. At 26 you still have a future.
Sorry for so many words. But I’m not in equal terms with you. Those four days we have spent together were very special for me, but for you it may have been daily routine. Nevertheless, I hope you have enjoyed also some of the time we have spent together. Best wishes.
Received: Sunday, April 1st, 2007
Subject: Miss you
How are you? I am doing fine. Thank you so much for the picture that you sent me. I am so glad that I meet you. I also am happy too much. Are you busy with work? I miss you. Please take care of yourself.
Sent: Monday, April 2, 2007
Subject: I Miss you too
many thanks for your kind words. But now it is time for me to work hard.
I have many other pictures I send to you (I still find you look beautiful. I have fond memories of this day at the zoo).
To day I send also a picture of you playing snooker the only game where I have a chance to win.
Journal entry, April 2007
I’m far away and soon you will forget about me, that’s why I have to hurry and write to you what I have in mind. Words have power, and repeated many times some can operate a magic of their own. So I will say and write many times you are a good girl- good girl- good girl- good girl so that you are not becoming a bad girl.
Sorry these are only words, not very useful for you. But I didn’t make crazy promises to you and this is all I can do for you now.
You can’t imagine how many people warned me about Thai girls and especially bargirls. They told me to be careful, that most are bad girls that respect nothing. But I remember well you giving a wai to the spirit house each time you came across one, I remember you switching of all the unnecessary power consumption upon living my hotel room, I remember you not wasting food, and most of all I remember you not bullshitting me. You have been quite up-front about the reasons why you entered this profession and your plans for the future. You work for yourself, you made a choice to earn more money quicker, and I prefer this to the girls that are down on their luck.
But I’m still scratching my head with your comment about you being sometime a bad girl. Do you mean that we farangs get what we deserve?
When I was a kid I was going very often in the mountains in very remote places to search for rock crystals. I spent hours in improbable places selecting rocks, hammering them to finally find a gem after many many trials. Now I feel like just the same, I have found a gem. But you may know, once I have enjoyed my discovery, I put it in a showcase and then off I go to find a new one.
That Sunday when we have been together to the Promthep cape, I prayed to Buddha with you because I believes he doesn’t care if I’m Christian or not. It was the first time for me.
My knees were hurting, and through the incense fumes that made my eyes watering I saw in a blur that among the many elephants that surrounded us some were nodding to my unspoken questions and requests.
I asked “please Buddha open my eyes, I don’t want her to be an illusion”.
I prayed too for your health to stay good and I wished also that you don’t get hurt by this bargirl life you have. I prayed for nice customers that doesn’t try to trick or hurt you, for men not making to you promises they will never fulfill.
“Buddha please make that life is lenient to her”.
I prayed that money does not become a more important god than Bhudda. God Money is not satisfied with fruits and drinks offerings, it needs human sacrifices. Look at your roommate, she is paying a high price for her mistakes.
Everyday while I’m droving to my office, I’m listening to the Tai Oratai CD we have bought together. And when I’m stuck in the traffic jam I have recollections of some of the time we spent together.
I remember that first time when we walked down Uttaratit road, in hand in hand like lovers. I was squeezing hard your hand; I’m so sorry but I don’t know how to do otherwise. Either I hold your hand, either not. But you know many farangs are binary; things are black or white, good or bad. That’s why we are very often excessive in our behaviour and unable to compromise. Unlike other before you, you were not complaining but I knew that it may have been somehow uncomfortable for you. Your long thin fingers were small in my hand; I liked them, and they seem to have their own life when you did the traditional hands dance. You said you want to study massage further at Watt Po, it is indeed a good idea, but I fear your fingers will never be strong enough to apply deep pressure. Anyway, investing your savings in a massage center is an interesting project.
I was so surprised that you could walk so fast even with your sky-high heel slip-on shoes. So many people told me that Thais can’t walk fast and especially women. Are you different?
I was just following, happy to be allowed to stay longer with you, not knowing exactly what was next, it was like adventure. When I gave you money a few minutes ago in the room, you made this famous wai sign that is so exotic and so elegant, and I was expecting that you wanted to resume your normal non-farang life. Thinking of it afterward, you could have understood it as a “leave now” signal. One more time you dealt very smartly with that tactless farang…
I was so happy, because of the previous night of course, and because we were staying together a little bit more. At this time I didn’t know that you decided to take me to your home, where you were going to get rid of your bargirl attire before having lunch at restaurant.
I have never seen that before, this method you used to strip off your clothes in front of your roommate and friends while preserving your modesty. That piece of dark cloth with the pink roses pattern in which you wrapped yourself, I found it very beautiful. You looked so exotic inside!
What a gymnastic! First the bra if I remember well. If removing the one you had was already spectacular, slipping on a new one and buckling it was really outstanding. I was expecting the towel to fall down or slip, but it didn’t happen. Comparatively, removing the skirt and knickers and pulling on shorts was simple. I noted also that you put your flip-flops on with relief.
In the street we were coming across other couples. Most regular couples are bitching at each other and specially the French one; the missus want to do some more shopping, some more price comparison to find the better bargain. The mister is quite burnt out, but he follows like a dog, his mind wandering, looking vacantly at his surrounding and avoiding at any cost ogling at the beautiful girls that surround him. I know because it could be me, but I will never come here with my wife. No matter how much we love each other, living and ageing together during twenty-two years has taken its tool.
And then, there is the other kind of improbable couple, like us. Most bargirls are wearing jeans and tank top; I prefer your evening dress style. They are not smiling, they look tired, it is so easy to forget it is a job for you, and some of them are speaking over their mobile. For that matter, you have been so nice to switch it off during the time we stayed together. Only a few calls in five days, it was against all statistics. I can tell you that I wouldn’t have withstood incessant calls, which would have been the immediate end of our partnership. I hate phone, did you guess it? The men that follow them are not smiling either. May be they had a hang over. Not for me.
I’m thinking about you more than I care to admit.
You have guessed quite quickly about my dream. I said to you almost nothing about it and you inferred the rest. There is a cultural and language gap between us, and yet you overcame it so easily. That’s disturbing me, how can I be so easy to read?
Now this is only a crazy dream as I can’t stay a long time in Thailand and I can’t come very often. What kind of husband or father I would be? You said also “not now” answering to an unspoken question that I’m not even sure I would have asked to you. I need to go see a fortune teller too.
Our relationship is like that Jenga tower game we played in the bar. Did you remember you have had hard times winning? Each moment we have spent together is like the wood piece we remove, and I don’t know how many pieces are left before the crash.
What can I say more? Nothing beside that I wish you all the best luck in your life.
Received: Tuesday, April 10, 2007
How are you doing? I’m sorry that I don’t have time to reply you. Thank you so much for everything that you give me. I’m so happy with all the pictures you’ve sent to me. I like them all. How have you been doing lately? Is everything is fine with you? Please take care of yourself and I wish you all the best luck.
Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Subject: Hello and bye-bye!
I’m now back in France and I will stay here at least for 3 months.
I’m fine and fit.
If you are happy with the pictures then I’m happy too. Please find in attachment the last one I have.
I don’t know yet if I will be able to come back next year in Phuket. And if I come back I don’t know if I will look for you. A Chinese proverb says that we never bath twice in the same water.
I hope that you too you will take care of yourself, not drinking too much, not smoking, practicing safe sex and praying Buddha. I’m confident that your future is shining.
A former version (Letters To A Bargirl) has been posted on http://www.stickmanbangkok.com/Reader2007/reader3921.htm
Shut The Box picture is courtesy of Keith Kelly (http://www.keithakelly.com/)
Jenga Tower pictures are based on an original picture from http://www.flickr.com/photos/milz/
The author can be contacted at: GatesofParadox@gmail.com
HECK, I’M THIRSTY AFTER ALL THESE WRITINGS! DO YOU SEE THE “BUY ME A BEER” BUTTON ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN? WHAT DO YOU THINK IS IT FOR?