I’m an American. But that’s not the worst of it. My biggest problem right now, is that I’m actually in America.
Land of the free and the home of the bored.
I’m in Washington state looking outside at another one of those rainstorms that make a person think about slitting their wrists. I suppose I should feel lucky because I’m able to make choices in my life.
Right now, I’m trying to decide whether to drink alcohol or take pills tonight.
Some people drink to forget. I drink to remember. The psychology people call it “state dependent memory” which refers to the notion that you will remember a situation better, if you are in the same state of mind as you were when you experienced whatever it is you want to remember. This is a great thing to know if you ever want a drink.
Anyway, when I was in Bangkok a couple weeks ago, I made a phone call to a girl, that had gotten me into trouble once before and I hadn’t even banged her! Naturally, I thought I was owed a debt.
I’ll start at the beginning. About six months ago a girlfriend of mine, named Lek, asked me to meet her at the Hard Rock Café in Siam Square. She had a friend that was getting married the next day and flying to Denmark, so they wanted to celebrate. I cajoled a friend I’ll call “Mark” cause that’s what his name is into accompanying me even though I don’t think that place is his cup of tea, so to speak.
As we were there before my girlfriend, I was able to look around a little bit. I remember that I noticed this cute girl looking at me across the room and I was wondering if I had time to talk to her and get her number so I could find her again.
More importantly, as she was certainly a hooker, I also needed enough time to explain to her that we had to be discreet as my girlfriend would arrive soon. My girlfriend just then arrived and solved this dilemma by introducing the two of us herself. This is Bangkok, so instead of getting the hooker’s number I congratulated her on her marriage and waited until later to get her number. What a lucky Dane, I thought. I sure hope my wife loves me as much as this girl certainly loves him. I also realized this was going nowhere as this girl was getting married tomorrow. However, the real reason she was unavailable was tonight she was with my girlfriend.
I returned to converse with “Mark” dejectedly thinking I was going to have to sleep with my girlfriend that night and we began to get uproariously drunk. I’ve been to Thailand enough times that I’ve just learned to accept things as they are not.
That being said, the only thing worse than sleeping with your girlfriend in Thailand, is sleeping with your wife. At that moment I wanted nothing to do with either one but I resigned myself to my fate. After all, the girlfriend’s almost always better than the wife.
I started to let the slow warmth and pleasantness of vodka sweep over me and make a pleasant evening of getting to know Mark better.
As my girlfriend was excitedly talking to the beaming future bride, I was able to occasionally make a few glances around the room and I noticed this cute girl, repeatedly, not looking at me.
As the night wore on, my girlfriend was getting drunker so I was getting bolder but seemingly to no avail. Apparently this girl was not interested in me at all. She seemingly did not even notice that I existed.
Finally I had had about enough of this nonsense and went over to talk to her and straighten this out once and for all.
Her name was Mai and it turns out she wasn’t a hooker at all, (more on that later) in fact she owned a line of clothing stores and we started to get on rather well and that’s when the trouble started.
The bride, who had her eyes glued to me, and every other guy all night, began telling my girlfriend there was trouble brewing and my girlfriend got so hot under the collar that I was barely able to get this girl’s number before the storm hit.
My girlfriend, stormed out of the bar, so we made a half-hearted attempt to pick her up in the taxi but she would have none of it.
Naturally, I always listen to Marks’s sage, veteran advice and he counseled me that, in his experience, the best thing to do in this type of situation was to go to Soi Cowboy.
So off we went where I ended up meeting a beautiful waitress, who I then took home to my apartment.
I had made a call to my girlfriend to make sure she was still angry enough to stay away and she confirmed that I would never see her again. I thought ok, fine, I’ll deal with that issue later but in the meantime, hurray! This cowgirl was a nice snag.
The building I stay in is pretty nice, has security, and on this trip I was on the 29th floor. So we entered the building and put my key in the elevator and we went all the way up. I then proceeded to ride this cowgirl for the 8 seconds that we cowboys in America consider a full ride.
We’re about 8 seconds into this rodeo and the bell was ringing, when we start hearing a knocking on the door. WTF? How the hell did my girlfriend get up here? How was I going to get rid of the cowgirl? What the hell was I going to do? We panicked of course and I briefly thought of putting the cowgirl on the balcony but we are up 29 floors and how long was Lek going to stay?
I decided to call security and I told them someone was making a fuss on the top floor. Once Lek was safely in the hands of security, the cowgirl quickly ran to the stairs and had to walk down 29 floors because it turns out that the doors are all locked. (this works perfectly when there are no fires)
Of course, being a Thai, she called me later to scold me about her having to exercise.
The girlfriend then called from the front desk and I answered with the sleepiest voice I could muster and she came up and banged me silly. I claimed to have never heard anyone knocking and that I was asleep and drunk. So I ended up having 2 girls in one night which is always a good thing, but now both of them were not happy with me.
We all know when a Thai girl is unhappy with you it’s always going to cost more money.
So, as I indicated in the beginning it was time to settle this debt with Mai, so I called her. I hadn’t seen or talked to her in months but she remembered me and we decided to meet again at the Hard Rock. I walked in and got a table next to an Englishman with a cute looking girl and then Mai walked in. We were a little shy at first but after a couple drinks we started to catch up.
She had 2 girls with her as she said no Thai girl could go on a date without a proper chaperone. Fair enough, I figured a drunk chaperone would be the best kind to have, so I bought a bottle of vodka.
As the night wore on I started a conversation with the Englishman and he informed me that the nice looking lady accompanying him was his niece. He also informed me that he was up for a romp with his niece if she was. I thought well, anyone with the balls to bang their wife’s niece was probably going to be pretty entertaining. Something like that might even make Christmas with the loved ones bearable.
He was entertaining and he soon informed me that he thought my date liked me and that one of her chaperones fancied me as well. I hadn’t been paying close enough attention, but had noticed enough to know she was worthy of my attention perhaps, but not tonight.
I was quite happy getting to know Mai better and she was telling me all about her business and how she had built a customer base all over the world.
This had turned into a very successful night; I had a new drinking buddy from England that was Bangkok-based and cool to hang out with. I had a beautiful woman who was intelligent enough to build an international fashion business and most importantly perhaps, I had succeeded in getting her 2 chaperones so drunk they had to go home.
I was then able to persuade Mai to come with me to my “loom” (room) on the pretext I needed to show her my laptop and how it could help her business. I was so proud of myself.
We got back to the room and yes, she never left and I was thinking cool, this is one of only a few Thai women that I had gotten into my room who was not a hooker.
Anyway, Mai and I spent a wonderful night together and the next morning she had to get up to go run her business empire.
Great, I thought. I had been repaid for all the trouble from before and I kind of like this girl.
That’s when she asked me for the 3000 baht.
I had to laugh at myself for being duped.
I also got the last laugh because the next night I called the chaperone friend of Mai’s and banged her.
Incidentally, she wanted only 2000 baht so I’ll probably see her again.
And the niece?
Well, my new buddy tells me she would not cooperate with him, but for some reason she liked me. I guess I’ll call her when I get back.
Wouldn’t you?? After all, this is Bangkok right?