I went to Thailand not knowing what to expect, when I came I saw and could feel the raw nature of such a beautiful place. You can be amazed by such beauty and at the same time your life is so insignificant that if you were to stay here and never go back it wouldn’t really matter, would it? Yes Thailand has amazing scenarios and the women are exotic and fun to hang around, as are the men for that matter. But I couldn’t help to feel the strange vibes which brought me here, something benevolent even, wandering into a dark alley I was faced to make a decision that would change my life.
I come from a small island sheltered by the harsh Atlantic sea and on a remote area. I would consider myself small time compared to other countries, its size anyway. My home is far away from Thailand and much smaller, in fact my country is very small with a population of 300 thousand.
Back to when I had to make my decision in that alley. I couldn’t help to notice that there was something in this land that I didn’t understand something I would never understand, and although I am not a church going man nor any other faith for that matter, I couldn’t help to feel something spiritual about this place, some deep knowledge, I found myself wondering the streets in search of something.
What it was I truly don’t know, until I met him……Nob……A Thai male whose English was good enough, he came to me from the crowd and pounced like I was his prey. He wanted to take care of me for the night, I refused, he insisted.
After driving around we ended up having dinner with his friends from work, in a small closed street at 4 am. Lightning in the sky but no sounds, we sat there drinking whiskey, trying to get to know each other better. That night melted together with the rest of them and became a blur of its own, but I remember when I saw her…. bringing us food, with such grace and class that the women in my country could not even have half of. Small steps, never making eye contact, I don’t know how old she was but I would have to guess 25. Long hair but kept in a pony tail, the last time i felt that feeling was when I was a young boy seeing my first girlfriend at school. The thought of sex never crossed my mind; it was pure unlike so many things in this world and in mine.
I did not dare to ask her anything out of the ordinary; her smile was that of the Buddha’s…..like she knew a secret, faint, but maybe not even a smile. The only 1 time when she truly made eye contact, I was frozen in time. Like the medusas head turns brave warriors into stone in ancient Greece, her gaze left me paralyzed. She saw my core, my soul, she saw everything about me even before i opened my mouth, she knew. All I could do was sit there…..and wonder…how did I find myself here of all places???
If she had a boyfriend I will likely never know… what her name was for that matter, is a good guess even. One thing I know is that I haven’t been frozen in my tracks like that for a long time. Nob asks me if he should call her over….I say no….let her be….. will I ever see her again…..I think not….she is far away in her country…..it is somewhere out there.
Now I am back…..in my safe place……where people surround themselves with things that do nothing but hypnotize and immobilize you, they are thinking of the long haul the cold dark winters, they need their gadgets and toys to keep them warm at night. It is nothing but a cold embrace my friends a cold one.
What I learned from that moment, more than 5 years worth here. If you see something you want try to get it no matter what, if you really want it, you owe yourself to at least try. If you don’t you will be an old man thinking about what could have been instead what is. I will never make that mistake again! That is why, I must leave this place…..my home……I must find what I’m looking for even if i don’t know what it is.