About 10 years ago, while sitting in a beer bar in Koh Samui, I overheard a conversation that set me on the path to becoming the greatest farang fortune teller in South East Asia.
A bargirl was telling a customer about her great excitement and fear about flying to Germany to see her boyfriend – her first flight and indeed her first trip outside Thailand. Take-off was only a week away and she was understandably nervous.
At no stage was she aware that I was eavesdropping on her conversation, so she was impressed the next evening when I studied her outstretched palm with a furrowed brow and predicted that she would soon be making a momentous journey to Deutschland to see her teerak.
“How you know?” she asked.
“I am the number one farang mor doo in Thailand,” I boasted. “I can see the future.”
Intrigued, she held out her hand again and demanded to hear more details about her trip and her life. Bloated by this recognition of my talents, I crossed the line and said something that I regret to this day.
“I see a problem. The big bird cannot see through the fog near the Alps. It crashes into the mountains. Everyone on the aircraft is killed. Very sad.”
She screamed and ran out of the bar. Although I went back to the bar several times over the next week to try to explain that sometimes my predictions were wrong, she was nowhere to be seen. I suspect she never took that flight to Germany. Perhaps my tasteless joke killed a fine romance – or saved Hans of Hamburg a lot of money.
Since that day, I have read thousands of girls’ palms across Asia. While I have never reached the depths of cruelty of that first reading, it is fair to say that my predictions have been on the pessimistic side. Subjects can expect to have the odd motorbike accident or to be trapped in a loveless marriage with a penniless Cambodian rat-trapper before seeing out their lives in poverty while working 15-hour days in a fish market.
It is not difficult to establish credibility as a fortune teller. If you tell your subject that she once had a Thai boyfriend, she will look at you as though you have made a revelation of which Nostradamus would have been proud. In the superstitious Philippines, I once had scores of eager subjects queuing down the street outside a bar after I told the mamasan that she had four children – not so startling a guess in a Catholic country. “Where did you get this power?” the mamasan asked as she bought me a drink. “I studied under a master at a temple in Bangkok,” I replied with a straight face.
If things go wrong, as when I told a Filipina cherry girl that she already had two children, hold your nerve. “Ah, sorry. I meant to say that you will have two children with a Korean,” I informed her. She grimaced. In Angeles City, Koreans are about as popular as a flatulence sufferer in an elevator.
My research has provided me with some interesting insights into the psyche of the Thai bargirl.
First and least surprising is that they are obsessed with money. An assurance that they will always have enough folding stuff matters more to most than a happy marriage or a long life.
Second, most don’t want to marry anyone from Laos, Cambodia, Burma, Malaysia, Vietnam, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, India, Pakistan or any African nation. An even greater number don’t want to marry Thai men, who seem to have less appeal as a potential mate than a one-legged unemployed goat herder from the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
Happily, I can report that ageing, balding, beer-bellied, unwashed, uneducated farang fashion disasters represent the ultimate trophy husband for the lovelorn bargirl, who must feel as though she is shooting fish in a barrel as she walks around Bangkok, Pattaya, Phuket and Samui.
As a Brit who fulfils most of the above criteria, I am constantly reassured to be told that the British and Americans are the most desirable partners. While Europeans are generally popular, there is some bias against the French, Italians and Germans for their alleged parsimony. “Keeneeow” is a word often associated with the latter three nationalities.
“England man very good heart,” I am repeatedly told as I tell Noi, Nud and Ning that this will be the year that they hook up with a psychopathic bricklayer from Camden Town. With scant regard for world economics and the plunging pound, which should soon reach parity with the Zimbabwe dollar, they generally add that “England man very big money”.
If I predict a marriage to a less desirable nationality, I always soften the blow by adding that the husband will die within two or three years, leaving the girl to inherit enough money to live well for the rest of her life. They always beam with delight at news of their beloved’s premature death.
Oddly, Thai women generally do not want to live long lives. Perhaps it is a Buddhist thing or not wanting to be a burden, but many express a desire to kick the bucket nearer 50 than 90. This has led me revise down my predictions of life expectancy, though generally I give them a few more years than the Germany-bound air traveller.
My special gift has helped me to get laid on occasions. If I am reading the palm of someone who rocks my boat, I often describe myself and predict that the subject will be sleeping at that person’s place that evening in return for two of the king’s brown notes in the morning.
No Thai girl can say no to a mor doo.
The may not want to marry a Thait man, they certainly want to have a Thai boy friend. I have never met a Thail girl who said they don’t like Thai man. All said Thai man were the best for bf and Japanese are best for ATM.
It’s not only bargirls who lie, then. It might be fun, but I’m not sure I’d want to take advantage of and ridicule a simple and impressionable girl, whatever her profession. But that’s just me.
Mor doo:
What was your purpose in relating this story to us on Bangkokdiaries?
Your “research” has led to some pretty fucked conclusions that can hardly serve us expat farang.
I am surprised your “research” didn’t tell you that Thai people take fortune-telling very seriously.
You just sound like a lying arsehole to me. Fucking people’s lives up…shattering dreams and harming people… for no good reason whatsoever.
And you have the pure unmitigated gall to pat yourself on the back and say you probably did “Hans” a favor. I’m fairly sure Hans would like to tear your frigging tongue out of your head.
So you tried to go back and lie to that girl again. You weren’t going to tell her you knew about her trip to Germany. You weren’t going to tell her you played a joke on her. You were going to tell her sometimes you are wrong, so she can take her chances and “go on the airplane ’cause sometimes I’m wrong”.
Face it pal…you’re an assbag.
Everybody’s obsessed with money…especially those who have none and those who have too much. This is hardly unique to Thai girls.
Many of the Thai girls you meet in bars are there because of a Thai guy….even if its only because he sired her child and abandoned her. I’ve had dozens of Thai girls tell me they hate Thai men. No doubt some of them do. And no doubt quite a lot (if not most) of them had a Thai boyfriend or whatever, but certainly didn’t want a potential “customer” or sugar daddy to know.
I understand Thai girls lying about that.
But you’re a lying turd that I do not understand.
There is something seriously wrong with you.
Barry: Simple and impressionable? You need to get out more. I see the point you are making, but as long as the ‘readings’ are conducted in a spirit of ‘sanuk’, the girls really enjoy them. The most common response I get is ‘mor dow’, which I believe translates to ‘fake fortune teller’.
Kevin: Don’t forget to take your medication.
I don’t need medication.
I am rational and truthful.
My research tells me that you are either bullshying us expats…or you’re a despicable sociopath who lies just to hurt people for your own entertainment.
I don’t think any medication would help you.
BTW….you said
“My special gift….”.
What special gift would that be?
You spend the whole post bragging how you cleverly contrive to deceive trusting hopeful gullible people that you can tell the future….which you admit you can’t…and then you refer to “My special gift”.
“…two of the king’s brown notes…” is that the special gift that helps you get laid?
“I always soften the blow by adding that the husband will die within two or three years…”
Anyone who thinks telling someone their husband (whom they haven’t married yet) is going to die in two years…knowing that she believes it hook- line and sinker…”softens the blow”… has serious character flaws…..especially when they admit they don’t know shit about the future.
Please tell us you made this whole thing up for our entertainment.
Kevin: You take things very seriously and literally. Look up the words ‘humour’ and ‘irony’ in the dictionary. Believe me, the bargirls view my ‘special gift’ in the way it is meant to be viewed – as lighthearted fun.
Although you spend a lot of time attacking people who take the time to write articles for Bangkok Diaries, I note that you have yet to make a single submission, even though the site has been very short of material in recent months. Perhaps you could put your time to more positive use by sharing your knowledge of Thai culture. I won’t hold my breath.
Oh for crying out loud please lighten up!
On Nutter is a witty writer and no doubt a witty team mate on a bar crawl. Having a laugh is what bars are for. The Thais are as much aware of that as anyone else.
Gullible? Watch a typical lifecycle of a farang-Thai intercourse. Then decide who the gullible one is!!!!
This was an APRIL 1ST joke, yes?
It has to be because the fact is you don’t need to pretend to be a Mor Doo to know the background story of the majority of bar girls who come from the North East of the country.
1. Six years of primary school education
2. Worked on the farm for a while before taking a low paid labouring job in a factory or on a building site down in Bangkok
3. Had a Thai boyfriend and got pregnant
4. Thai boyfriend disappears
5. Baby left with parents back on the farm
6. Got a job in a bar in Bangkok or Pattaya
7. Looking for a farang to provide for her and the family
8. The longer they work in a bar, the more corrupted and greedy they become.
9. Future never certain.
There, it’s that simple and you don’t even need to be a Mor Doo or pretend to be a Mor Doo for that matter.
Cheers.
A very entertaining read but not quite as funny as Kevin’s hysterical reaction. Get over yourself, man. It’s a shame when humorless loonies have a license to flame away at will. Look what happened to Mango Sauce and other good Bangkok blogs. The flamers generally win in the end.
Actually I thought is was a good laugh but it’s hardly shit that most experienced Asia hands don’t know already. I’m just pointing out that when you know the lay of the land then it’s not really too difficult to impersonate a mor doo. I mean, fuck me, look at the intelligence level of you’re dealing with (a 13 years olds brain) for fucks sake. But, fair point about the flamers and their hysterics.
Kevin,
Does your shining armor ever get rusty during the rainy season? You obviously feel the need, for whatever unfathomable reason, to leap to the defense of Thai bargirls when they clearly do not need it.
In the case of German Fritzie’s nuptials with a bargirl he met on a Thai shagging holiday being jeopardized by the Mor Doo, I suspect On Nutter is right that he probably did the guy a favor. Many marriages between punters and prostitutes don’t work out well. Do you think that would be different and that modern Europe would be the place for a girl obviously so superstitious she’d let her future be determined by a guy in a bar asking to read her palm?
Kevin, please spare us the tired old “Most birds are there because of a Thai guy. Woe is the life of the bar girl.” bullshit. It’s old and you’ll be shocked to learn that not every Thai woman who has had a disastrous relationship in the past turns to selling her attentions in a bar.
The ones who do are not in need of a knight such as yourself. Ask yourself what Fritzie’s girl was still doing hanging around in a bar and having drinks bought for her after having found true love.
On Nutter is one of the funniest writers on Bangkok and the bar scene, and I’d guess that the girls in the bar have as much of a laugh at his Mor Doo antics as we readers do at his posts.
In summation, you, sir Kevin, are an ass-bag.
Kevin,
good god man as we all know On Nutter uses a lot of tongue in cheek humour, you should stop taking things so literally, so get your head out of your rectum !!!!. The only one your flaming is yourself as you crash and burn. Your naïveté is so sweet !!!!.
PS I would increase your dosage, cos the meds don’t appear to be working.
Well if this was all made-up joke…I apologize.
I did ask: “Please tell us you made this whole thing up for our entertainment.”
If its not made up, its not funny.
Thai bar girls are people too.
And you take quite a lot for granted about “Hans” assuming he’s a punter like you are. Jeezus to think you go around tormenting Thai girls (or at least did in this case) but seem to have some compassion for Hans’ arse ..and he doesn’t even know it.
You knew you’d done wrong which “I regret to this day” and is why you went back to the bar.
I have a lot of sympathy for Thai bar girls…I admit. They’re plight is not a pleasant one especially when they have to put out for wankers like you guys.
But like I say if this was all a prank and none of its true…well then I guess the laugh is on me.
Kevin,
the only onanist is you sir !!.
I didn’t know Bangkokdiaries was a comedy blog.
I happened to run into a couple of veteran expats last night…and I told them about this story…you know telling a Thai girl her airplane was going to crash and all… They didn’t think it was very funny.
One of them said…Thailand is just teeming with farang jerkoffs (john samui) who think Thai girls…Thai people in general.. are subhuman… good enough to fuck but not worthy to be thought of as people.
One of them said…Thailand is just teeming with farang jerkoffs (john samui) who think
Thanks 4 the compliment, as it is obvious you don’t think. As i was brought up, if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, keep silent, but in your case i’ll make an exception. So from my few posts you have assumed i’m a masturbatory racist, and this is based on what ?. You sound like one of those teabaggers. just sprouting nonsense. Must dash as i must have a wank, and keep an eye on serfs !!!!!.
You referred to onamism…not me.
When you consider people sub-human you are a racist.
Thai girl, married to a farang, comes home one day, and she’s got young Thai guy with her.
She steps into the room and announces “this is the scumbag good-for-nothing worthless pig I fuck when you’re not around!”
Her husband says, “Honey that’s not a pig….that’s a Thai guy.”
She says, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
Can’t you guys take a joke!!?
W to the OW
I have found that “shining armor” has really worked out well in my ecxperiences with Thai women.. and people in general….all ’round the world.
It cost a lot less money than being an uncaring prick too!
Walked by a couple a few days ago (Russian it turned out) and she was sitting on the curb nursing a bleeding toe, explaining to he, by the looks, that she couldn’t attach her shoe because of the wound. I happened to have a band-aid with me. I stopped and gave her the band-aid, and she covered the wound and put her shoe on. You’d a-thought I was Jesus Christ come alive! They brought me to a Russian bar and I got hammered drinking free vodka and singing all night with a bunch of happy people who couldn’t speak my language. I like that kind of thing.
It feels good to be a “shining armor” guy.
And there’s something about fucking a woman for money that makes it a lot better if she actually likes you…and you actually like her….instead of thinking she’s some kind of lower life-form who may as well be a knot-hole in a fence, or you may as well be an onanist as Mr Nutter suggested I am….and her thinking you’re just another asshole customer.
You’re all probably a great bunch of guys.
Some people just don’t give a fuck…Some people are actually proud to be an unfeeling menace toward others…some don’t know that they are…and some are even defiant about it…and that’s OK…but I don’t want to see it. And when I do I feel compelled to say something.
I imagine Mr Nutter wrote inviting comment., and I still say that telling someone, who believes you, that they are going to die is a horrible thing to do. Sorry that’s just the way I am. Thanks!
Kevin: Let’s get some facts straight. I have never called you an onanist or indeed anything else. You, meanwhile, have described me as a lying arsehole, a lying turd and a despicable sociopath. You have also described other commenters as wankers and, on the basis of a conversation with two veteran expats, suggested they are farang jerkoffs who think Thai people are subhuman. Who is the person doing the name-calling here?
I am quite clear in the article that I regret what happened in the case of the girl who was due to travel to Germany. I crossed the line and regret what I did. It was a drunken prank that went too far. I wish I had been able to meet her again to make amends.
The ‘readings’ I have made since that time have been conducted in a spirit of fun and accepted that way by the girls. Many times when I go to bars these days, girls come up and jokingly ask me to change their future. They know it’s all bullshit. Nobody takes a farang seriously as a mor doo.
I believe you are a decent, well-meaning man who has over-reacted to what was intended as a humorous article. Like you, I am on the bargirls’ side. There are indeed a lot of ‘farang jerkoffs’ in Thailand, but I would suggest that the people who read this site are not among them.
Kevin seems to be a lucky Knight. My armor is so battle scarred from my travels and doing the right thing that it may soon need a replacement (might go for a Stark Industies briefcase model this year). Keep fighting the good fight, but please jump to fewer conclusions in the future before some shine gets scuffed off the armor. Some people don’t like to be streotyped as jerkoffs by those who don’t know them. I see a cute Thai woman with a juicy ass who likes you for your valiant ways in your future.
JJ
john samui called me an onanist which is why I enclosed his name in ( )s.
I don’t really think you guys are onanists.
I know you hardly at all in fact.
I probably over-reacted and for that I apologize.
I just want to remind people to have some respect and consideration for Thai/Isan bar girls… they’ve got it pretty tough…and I don’t see that many of them that are doing that well, driving Mercedes and all.
Realizing foremost that I have to take care of myself in a place like Thailand… I have grown to love and understand these gentle friendly…and defenseless… people…and their kee-gawng tendencies.
I don’t know whether you have children or not…but I do…and I have daughters too. And I wouldn’t want them to be talked down to and treated like they’re pieces of shit….and so I don’t talk to, or treat, these young women like they’re pieces of shit.
Maybe that’s just me.
Cheers…no worries…chock-dee krrap!
I have seen it happen many times. Some farangs treating Thai people, women, men, and especailly bargirls like shit. While Thai people have their faults, problems and idiosyncrasies just like any other nation, It does not seem right, for me any way, to see these Farangs treat Thai people like they are LESS than them! Almost looks like they want to feel better about themselves by coming to Asia to re assure themselves that they are a better race. May be they would never dream of treating Europeans, Americans or Australians like they treat Thai’s. This is a general statement. I know also of many Farangs who are very respectful of the Thai culture and its people…
Having said that, I do want to give you a balanced view. I have seen some Thai people mistreat Farangs and laugh behind their backs…and there is no excuse for that either…Two wrongs DO NOT make a right in my book…
Kevin,
oh i called you an onanist, and you now say “I don’t really think you guys are onanists.”. Let me point out a few facts with time lines. Your 1st post, referred to On Nutter as :
“a lying arsehole”
“an assbag”
“a lying turd”
very eloquent and perceptive !!!!.
Then after my 1st post, where i suggested you take your cranium out of your back passage, you responded with more wit and moderation,
“especially when they have to put out for wankers like you guys”.
(See you 1st said we were all onanists, eh Kevin)
Certainly no generalizations there then !!!!.
To which i replied, that you appeared to be the only onanist. So who cast the 1st stone viz a viz self gratification pursuits ? (whoops, repeating myself.). Oh, i guess you did.
Then in your very next post you had this to say about me, through a third party
“One of them said…Thailand is just teeming with farang jerkoffs (john samui) who think Thai girls…Thai people in general.. are subhuman”.
To be fair you did seem to calm down on the racism bit, but still claim that i was 1st to bring up masturbation, when it was you who 1st did and you where the 1st to cast aspersions (both person and general) on fellow board members with unnecessary name calling, as in the “good” book, John 8:7 .
I must be rambling if i’m quoting the bible time for more caffeine and nicotine fixes. So in conclusion Kevin,
People Who Live In Glass Houses Should Not Throw Stones !!!.
john samui:
A wanker is a term I am admittedly not all the familiar with except that I see the UK guys around me use it to refer to a disagreeable person in their midst. They don’t seem to mean he’s a onanist.
In any event, as I said before, “telling someone, who believes you, that they are going to die is a horrible thing to do” and far worse than calling them some creative disparaging name.
On Nutter has decently expressed his regret more than once.
I’m pretty thick-skinned, as I’m sure you are. After all you know you’re not an ass-bag or a wanker…or a punter or an arsehole or whatever.
Sorry if I ruffled your feathers.
Cheers
Kevin,
i presume you know what a synonym is ?.
“I’m pretty thick-skinned, as I’m sure you are. After all you know you’re not an ass-bag or a wanker…or a punter or an arsehole or whatever.”, but presumably a rascist eh ?.
john samui
“There are none more indignant than the justly accused.”
I see a good many farang who are quite racist about Thai (and other) people.
I don’t know you, but your spirited defensiveness, and the tenor of your posts causes me to think you probably are a pretty hard somewhat unkind character. But who gives a fuck what I think?
You know if you are a racist or not.
If you feel other races are inferior to your own you are racist.
If you judge people based on their appearance of ethnicity you are racist.
You can decide for yourself.
What is important is not so much what you think but what you do.
Either you manifest racism or not.
Manifesting racism is evil.
BTW the Thai are quite racist themselves, but I find they are not nearly as virulent about it as other cultures in the world….and as one wise gentleman said “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” (Up until now I thought my mother coined that phrase.)
P.S. Some guys feel a strong hostility toward women, not necessarily based on race, which may well be worse for the unfortunate Thai women who encounter them.
“I don’t know you, but your spirited defensiveness, and the tenor of your posts causes me to think you probably are a pretty hard somewhat unkind character.”
That’s pretty rich, considering your 1st post.
“But who gives a fuck what I think?”
Now you’ve got it.
I’ll leave you with this ,
“honi soit qui mal y pense”
I really enjoyed this post. Thanks for this
Lol, good post.