Advice for stingy bastards in Bangkok
Are you a stingy bastard? I am. Do you want to be a happy and successful stingy bastard in Bangkok like me? If you do, then read on.
Now, if you’re like me, you’re not happy unless you can go a day without spending. And if you have to spend, you don’t spend more than you were planning to. If you end up spending more, then you’ll be in a foul, stinking mood. And when that happens, you don’t want to talk to anyone, and nobody wants to talk to you. They all end up asking one another, “What’s wrong with him then?” Or, “What’s got up his goat?” Now, you don’t want that to happen because then you could end up turning into a miserable bastard, instead of a happy bastard.
Now, these are only going to be a few suggestions to get the ball rolling. Some of my mates will be chipping in with more tried and trusted methods on how to be successfully stingy. A quick word on the mates: You need a wide range. I’ll explain later, but your best mates will be just as stingy as you and me.
Now, first up, you need to have a thick skin. If you don’t have one already, you’ll have to develop one. It takes practice and it takes time. It’s essential, because people are going to be envious of you, or worse, jealous. You know why? They can’t do it or they can’t do it as well as you do. You’re better than them. You’re successful and happy too. They don’t want that for you. They want that for themselves. They’ll call you names, like they’ll say you embarrassed them or you’re embarrassing. They might call you a stingy bastard, but that ain’t an insult; they think it is though. No, for you and me, that’s a compliment!
Now, I’m sure many readers will know a lot of these methods I’m going to impart to you, but some of you won’t know all of them. So, keep reading; don’t give up, pal.
Ok, here we go then. The second rule for successful stingy bastard hood status: All really successful stingy bastards have to be successful scroungers. What do I mean? Here are some examples: Have you seen those adverts for ladies nights and free drinks for the ladies? Go to those events, as long as you don’t have to pay to get in. Turn up and look around. Look at the ladies. Ask yourself what are they drinking. Are they drinking the free drinks? Now, not all ladies will take those drinks. You have to go up to one of them who’s bought a drink and ask her to give you her free drink. Not all the ladies will do that, so you have to be persistent. That’s where the thick skin comes in. Some of them will tell you to piss off, but don’t be offended. Think like this to help you harden your skin: That’s part of their charm. That’s part of who they are. Accept them for what they are.
Ok, here’s another example. Keep a list of people who like being generous. Invite one of them out for a drink. Listen to them, make them laugh, make sure they have a good time and then drink ‘em drinks and then at the end of the evening tell them you owe them a drink. When you say that, they’ll think you’re generous and will like you even more. They’ll ask why and then you pull out your wallet and show them you haven’t got any money. Now, they won’t mind because they’re generous, they had a good time and you’ve just told them you owe them a drink. Great eh? But, you won’t be able to use this method twice with the same person. That’s why you need a long list of generous people.
More about Booze: Don’t drink if you have to pay. It’s a stingy fool who does. It can ruin your health, which leads to doctor’s bills; you can’t work and it’s expensive. But, if you really do have to have a drink sometimes, let’s say once a month, then just have one and buy cheap, if you have to pay. Buy the cheapest drink on the shelf in the supermarket, but only one. In addition, there are plenty of left drinks on tables around Bangkok. Drink those. They’re free.
Another piece of advice: Want a girlfriend? Think again. It’s best not to have one. They can be expensive. They’re not as expensive as wives, but they can be expensive. Best thing you can do is not to have one, but if you really must, then find one that a) doesn’t expect you to pay or b) even better, will always pay for you. Now you think I’m joking. I’m not. They are rare but they are around. It will take time to find one though. Now, you’re probably wondering why they should pay for you. Well, some of them like to boast to their mates that they’re keeping a bloke. They think it ups their status and it improves their self respect and their self esteem.
Food? Eat free grub left on plates around Bangkok or if you have to pay sometimes, eat once a day from one of the food stalls by the road. Make sure though you’ve got plenty of immodium if you’re new here and you might need anti-biotics which you can get from the chemist. Eventually, you’ll get used to the bacteria and it will get used to you. The grub shouldn’t cost you more than a hundred baht. Water? Buy the cheap stuff in translucent plastic bottles. It doesn’t taste so good but you’ll get used to it as well. Accommodation? Stay with someone who’s willing to put you up for free. There are plenty of empty rooms. It’s best to have a long list of people who will put you up in case you get fed up with someone. Move on every week or so.
Well, that’s enough of me gassing on. Some of my mates will contribute their suggestions over the coming year, starting from tomorrow.