Ok, mate, so you’ve been sucked in. You don’t realise it now but you need help. This post will help you to find your way out of your stupor. Now, I’m writing this on my tod this time, so I’m going to ask my mates to chip in later to help me out where I’ve got things wrong or I’ve forgotten something. I’m getting on a bit. Back to it: This is crisis management stuff we’re talking about or, worse, damage limitation control. Your mates have done their best to talk you out of it and all your mates and family back home are pulling their hair out, screaming blind obscenities.
But you can’t help yourself. You’re emotionally weak. Admit it. You’re what we technically call “emotionally blinded”. Some will even say you’ve been voodooed. Pricks may have been inserted into your dummy with pieces of your hair or nails attached and special words might have been murmured in low, hot, breath by specialists.
Back home, many of your family members and your mates will tell ya you should marry one of your own. In fact, a lot of wise men and women will go further than that and tell you, you shouldn’t marry at all, whoever she is, wherever she comes from, because for most blokes it will end up as a crippling emotional, psychological, physical and financial disaster who ever you marry. They will tell you your missus will go off with a richer bloke and take all your resources. It might take a year; it could take two or even thirty, but it will happen. And when it does, you’ll think of yourself as a stupid sod.
Ok, married men who manage to stay the course live longer, but who wants to live longer when you’re having a good time? We blokes can have a good time and live longer than single blokes used to even until we’re in our seventies or even longer now with special diets, exercise, goals, targets, money, fresh air, sunshine, mates and birds.
Some of you will be wondering what all this marriage stuff is all about. Those of us in the know will tell you this: There are three states of marriage.
1) This is the most popular form. You live with someone in the same room, flat or house as a monogamous couple. Well, at least the bird is supposed to be and you trust her about this. In fact, you trust her with all your heart. You as a bloke, however, have the right to forget from time to time that you told her you would too because that’s what blokes are like and everyone knows that. The good thing about this is you’ve got someone to clean your house and cook for you; you don’t need a maid and you don’t have to spend money on going to bars every night unless you want to
2) This is second best. You have a cultural celebration to show everyone you are now together. This could be in the form of a village wedding with no paper work or it could be Chinese cultural style with no paper work. In these celebrations, some blokes have even married two women, or men, at the same time, and sometimes sisters. These events are great fun and everyone has a great time. In the villages, you’ll have a music and dancing show; there’s lots of food and drink, people make speeches; people sing songs and you’re blessed by monks and a Brahmin. The bad news is: you’ll pay for it; the good news is: it’s a hundred times cheaper than in your country.
3) This is the least popular form of marriage. When this happens, there’s a serious problem going on. It can be extremely sticky to extricate your self from that one. It could end up costing you a lot of money. You sign the deeds either in your country or here in Thailand in a government office, but that can be boring if you have to wait around. Some of my mates will give you more info about this.
Now, ok. Why shouldn’t you go through with all this stuff? You think you love the bird; you think she loves you; and you think she can make you happy; happier than you’ve ever been before, especially if you’ve had a bad experience in your own country. In fact, you’ve never met anyone like her before. She’s beautiful, kind, charming, lovely and interesting. Oh, I forgot about sexy. In addition, some of you will think she’s cheaper than a bird or wife from your country. I haven’t conducted any surveys. I haven’t done any secondary research. But, I can tell you what I’ve seen; I can tell you what I’ve heard time and time again.
Oh, I don’t have the stomach to tell you these stories now. I’ll tell you a few in another post. Maybe I’ll tell you tomorrow; maybe the next day. Ok, I promised. I will tell you, but not today. I’ve got to go off and find some grub. I’m hungry and thirsty. I haven’t had a meal all day. I can see some on the table over there and a glass of ale with no one’s mits on it. Here goes.