STOP THE PRESS ON PATTAYA BEACH

Today: Sunday 

I know where I am today and I know how I got here. Footballer Pete has just run up shouting “Stop the press! Stop the press!” Yes, he says. He’s nodding. Sitting on my left is Wendy. She’s smiling. We’re still on the beach front looking out at the sea. It’s a lovely day. Pete’s crew have just wandered off across to the other side of the road.

As some of you will find out, yesterday Pete asked me to publish his press release “as is” Pete is nodding affirmatively and Wendy’s is nodding as well, and smiling. Now, I haven’t told you this yet, but I’ll tell you now. Pete now wants me to rub out the rough edges. 

No, Pete, I’m not going to do that…. Wendy is. Wendy didn’t know that. She’s shrugging her shoulders and now’s she’s nodding slowly, deliberately and assentfully. I think I’ve just made that word up. I like making words up. 

OK. I’m leaving the notebook with Wendy and Peter and I’m going to wander off for an hour along the beach. If I see any of you while I’m walking, I’ll look in your direction and nod. If you see me, you can nod too and if you want to stop and have a chat and perhaps a cup of tea, that’s all right as well. 

Yesterday’s Prospective Post: Saturday

 ROUGH AS WORKS 

I’m sitting on Pattaya Beach and I’m not sure how I got here. The last I can remember, I was sitting on a stool near to a street noodle vendor somewhere in Bangkok. I’m here now, so I’ll make the most of it. 

Sitting nearby is Football Pete aka Gorgeous Pete. Stop! Hold your horses. Before you ladies get excited and come running down here, stay seated. Hold back. His mates gave him that name because he’s the opposite: he’s not gorgeous at all and I’m backing them up on that one. 

He’s down here on holiday with eight of his crew. They’ve been here for nearly a week, or is it more? They’re having a really good time and they’re still excited about being here, even though some of them come here every year on an annual peeler. 

They’ve been doing their best, as always when they come here, so they say, to drum up a bit of support and lots of publicity for themselves. Ain’t that right, Pete? Yes, he says. Pete’s just asked me to write about him and his crew to help them on that quest, in return for a beer. Can’t be bad. Pete’s just walked on over to the drinks lady to get me my beer. And he says he’ll buy you one too, if you go up to him and say Hello Pete. I’ll write a description of him below, so you’ll recognise him. 

Pete’s a lumbering giant. He’s about six foot five. He’s got two big arms, a crew cut, and a big belly. Probably, brought on by the luxury of beer. He looks about fifty-five. I could be wrong about that. He could be a bit older. Today, he’s wearing shorts, a vest, braces, long socks and long DM’s. He’s got two tattoos. One on his left arm and one on his right.The one on his left, looks like an anchor. The one on his right looks like a mermaid and it’s got two sets of letters below it with a heart in between. He speaks with a London accent.

His crew look similar. Most are shorter than Pete. I can’t be bothered to describe them all in detail.Right now they’re scattered around here, but not too far away from Pete. They’ve all got a big bottle of beer in their hands. Three are skirting the beach, playing with the water. Two are talking to a couple of young lady holiday makers perched behind me on the wall back there. One of Pete’s mates is coming back this way with Pete, who’s holding a couple of beers. Cheers, Pete. He’s just handed me the beer. Give me a minute. That’s better. I’ve just nodded at Pete. It’s a bit warmer than I like it, but I won’t complain. Another of his mates has just gone off to get some beach grub. OK, Pete. Pete’s just wandered off to talk to the young ladies on the wall. 

I haven’t seen DM boots for a long time, but I’ve just been told, by Wendy sitting behind me, who I have also just met, (She’s reading what I’m writing and listening to my conversations with Pete) that you can buy them here in Pattaya, but she’s not sure where. If you can help out with that one, George, one of Pete’s mates, over there will buy you a drink when you’re in the same hostelry as him. So keep a sharp look out for Pete and ask him to point out George.

Pete’s just handed me a piece of paper with some words on it. He wants me to type it out. He doesn’t want me to change anything, including the spelling. He’s already bought me a beer, so I will. Here goes:

The Present: Sunday 

Wendy here. Back to Sunday again, that’s today. Pete’s first press release, yesterday’s press release that is, is now in the process of being changed. I’m underlining the new bits. 

It’s ready now. You can read the finished product below.

PETE’S Updated Press Release

Pete’s Log 

THE START (Last week)

 Saturday:

I’ve cut out all the filth from this. All the bad language, the violence and the sex. Children will be reading it. I haven’t cut out the jokes and the laughs, that’s ok. They’re used to that. I’m writing this because we’re nice people.There are nine of us. Some of us are over six foot tall and weigh more than 20 stone. Most of us aren’t. 

No matter. We’re enthusiatic, youthful, older gentlemen in a mid-life crises.We’re clobbered. Got the gear. Boots, braces, denims, gloves. Bought the gloves in Beach. That’s a code word.No one can touch us. No one, no one. I’m chanting. We’re gentlemen. No bones. We’re over here for a laugh.

 Pete chants: Been before. Countless. Countless. Been before. Been before. Countless, countless. 

Every night.We’re on holiday. We meet people and make them laugh.Watch out. Forewarned. Watch out! We’ve arrived. We’re the Healthy Mob. Code if you don’t know it. 

Pete’s mates chant: Here five days, here to stay. Here we go, here we go; Watch out, watch out. Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid. Don’t you shout; don’t you shout. 

Sunday

We’ve rekkied a joint. Bugger spelling. Is it reckeyed or recced? We’re going to do it again. Done it in Pompey. Had drinks. Had a laugh. Wanna make new friends. And they want to know us. Lovely, lovely. Spend, spend, spend Happy, happy. Said we looked like friendly, generous, old gentlemen. We got money. Booze on booze. We’re boozers. Paid the bills. Give it some. Yeah.

Pete’s mates chant: Yeah, yeah we’re boozers; yeah, yeah we’re boozers. Give it some. Give it some. Lovely birds; they’re the best.. They’re the best. Lovely birds, they’re the best. They’re the birds.

Monday

We’re going to run down Walking, with all our mates, having a laugh. No one can do nothing.None can stop us. They’ll all see who we are. 

Pete chants: We are the Supporters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. the Supporters. Say it again. Yeah, yeah, the Supporters. Show respect. Blah, blah. Blow my trumpet. Blow my trumpet. 

Pete’s mates: Supporters, Supporters, we are the Supporters. Come down and join us; come down and join us; we’ll make you breathless. We’ll make you speechless. Come down and join us. We’ll make you breathless. We’ll make you speechless. 

Tuesday

Fell over. Drunk as farts.One and all, banged our ‘eds.. No one did it; can’t take credit. White Joint, taken, on old stretchers. Them in white saved our arse. Lucky here. Owe them credit.. To our delight, back on street, bandiged ‘eds,. No more frights. We’re old bastards. We’re old bastards. 

Pete chants; Here we go, here we go. Watch out, watch out. Watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out. We’re out, we’re out; we’re about. We’re old bastards; we’re old bastards. 

Pete’s mates chant: We’re old bastards; we’re old barstards; no one can ave use, no one can ave us. 

Wednesday

Out on Six. Makes me tick. Hello darling, you ain’t mine. Got my missus, in the bushes. Look on yonder, by the sea. See her smiling, she is mine. Got you wondering what I’m doin; I’m just here to make you fink. 

Pete chants: make you fink; make you fink; yeah, yeah, make you fink. Come on lads. 

Pete’s mates chant: missus make you fink, make you fink, make you fink, make you fink, make you fink, make you fink….. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.We’ll make you laugh, we’ll make you laugh.

 Thursday. 

We love football. We play football. Some of us have boxed a bit. And we’re bored. 

I’m telling you this, so you can join us, if you want. Some of our crew are educated. Don’t believe it? It’s up to you. We’re professionsals, which is why you want to know why I can write. We’re accountants, lawyers, office workers. 

Pete’s mates chant: We’re accountants, we are lawyers, office workers. Here we go, here we go, Here we go, here we go. 

Pete chants: Come and join us, come and join us. 

THE END

Yesterday: Saturday

Back to me. Pete’s just invited me to join him and his crew for a trip up to Naklua. He says it will be a laugh. He’s standing here while I’m writing this just to check. No thanks, Pete. You’re a gentleman, but not to day, mate. To be honest, I don’t like Naklua. 

Pete and his mates have just walked off in the direction of Naklua with a few of the holiday making ladies they were talking to. 

Now that Pete’s walked off, I don’t really think they are football supporters after reading what Pete handed to me.If anyone can tell me what they are, please do. OK, Wendy. Really? Wendy thinks they’re just holiday makers having a laugh, but don’t tell Pete or his crew. 

I’ve got a difficult decision to make, now. Do I stay here on the Beach for the night or do I try to get myself into a room near the beach. Do you think, so? Wendy’s just told me it could rain, so I’m going to head off to try and find a room. Oh… she says she’s going to help me find one. Thanks, Wendy. You’re a mate.

Today: Sunday – Back to the present 

Back here now with Pete and Wendy. Spotted one or two of you. I nodded..I’m not sure you saw me.

Had a chat with one bloke and told him about Pete’s press release. Says he’s seen Pete and his crew around. He’s going to say hello to Pete when he sees him next time cause he wants a free drink. Are you still up for that Pete? Pete’s nodding. Pete’s crew are still across the road… deep in conversation. Couldn’t help George yet though. No one seems to know where to buy the Docs.

Pete seems happier now with his press release. Wendy says she wanted to change more of it, but Pete wasn’t happy with that. Some of you want to know why Pete decided to change it. Wendy’s laughing. Pete’s looking down at the sand. 

It’s like this…Pete’s new friend said that what he originally wrote wasn’t very nice and she asked him to change it. Where is she Pete? Oh, I see…sitting on the wall. Why doesn’t she come over here? Pete’s just wandered over to talk to her. 

Wendy’s checking the computer and her face has just dropped. What’s wrong Wendy? Ah…Never mind. Leave it now. She says all the underlining has disappeared. Never mind Wendy. John and Hillary will be able to work that out for themselves. Now, she’s smiling. She’s having a laugh.

What next? Wendy’s asked me to travel with her to Chiang Mai. I don’t think I’m ready for that Wendy. I’m thinking about heading over to Jomtien. See you next week. Cheers then.