Eat, drink and be merry: Celebrating Bangkok’s (unofficial) Fat Bastards Club

Would you want to look like this young lady?

Are you a fat bastard? I am. I weigh120 kilos and I’m only 1.60 metres tall. We get tons of grog, grub and birds. Let’s celebrate together with loads of my mates, birds and blokes together. We’re fat bastards. That’s what we call ourselves. Are you ready to join the Bangkok (Unofficial)Fat Bastards Club (Open to Foreigners and Thais)? If you do, let’s go. Let’s do it. Say it, shout it: Fat bastards! Fat bastards! Bangkok Fat bastards!

We celebrate every day, sometimes alone, mostly together. We eat loads, and we drink buckets of high cal beer every day. We have our weight targets: We want to be bigger. We want to go Sumo, without the stress. Many of us, in the upper ranks, are already Sumo: we want to go Super Sumo. Put on the pounds, and the kilos, here we go, here we go. Let’s celebrate together. Drink, drink, eat, eat. Eat, drink and be merry.

Skinny blokes ask: Why do you want to be a fat bastard? Don’t you want to look like us? Slim, thin, withered? We fat bastards ask: Why…..? We ask, in withering tones, shaking our heads in disbelief. Why do they ask that? It’s obvious: They’re jealous. That’s why. They can’t do it. We know it. Most of them know it too. We get all the fun. We get all the pluses. Everyone can see it.

We always tell ’em, there are plates and buckets of pluses in being a fat bastard. What are they, they ask. First off, and they know it, (they’re just trying to stop us-competition) we get jugs of attention, mainly physical, from Thai women who come up to us. They put their arms around us and pat our tummies. Thin blokes don’t get that. Birds in their masses call out to us and beg us to join them. They ignore the thin blokes. Why? It’s obvious to us: We’re sexy men. But, how do we know that? That’s what the birds tell us. They ignore the young, thin blokes. The birds let them walk past and call out to us:“Sexy man, sexy man, come over here sexy man.” Is this heaven, or what? Here we go, here we go.We’ve arrived; we’ve arrived.

Now, I’m not going to pretend. A few of our mates, very few, have broken from our ranks. Skinny blokes, constantly, try to brain wash us, mainly with stuff from the media. Why? They’re jealous and want us to be thin like them to make it a level playing field. It’s a thin blokes conspiracy. I’m going to tell you what they say so that you, if you’re a fat bastard like me, will be able to resist the thin blokes influences and advances. The birds never do this. They want us to be like we are. And when fat bastards become thin bastards, the birds that loved us, leave us, for another fat bastard. Moral: Don’t go thin: stay fat,or fatter.

First though, before they get their claws in, with the help of my fat mates, I’m going to tell you what you should do to stay fat or get fatter. Are you ready to get fatter? Yes? Here we go. First off, take in loads of calories. How many calories depends on your size and your age. Experiment. Don’t take any notice of the stuff in magazines or on the Internet. It’s often wrong. Just find out what works for you. Don’t weigh yourself either. You’ll be disappointed. There’s nothing worse than that. Don’t look at yourself in a mirror. Just wait for people to give you some feedback. If people tell you that you look lovely, then the chances are, you’re going in the right direction. Better still if they say you look cuddly. Even better if they start to pat your tummy and ask how many children you have, especially if you’re a man. I once asked a woman this. She was well cheered, and we’ve been the best of mates ever since. In case you’re wondering, she wasn’t pregnant.

Will this help?

Next, exercise: Why? It gives us an opportunity to be noticed by women. They like to watch us when we exercise. I’ve seen them. My mates have. Don’t worry about losing weight. It doesn’t work. Most of us fat bastards exercise for fun, especially if we want to give ourselves the best opportunity to be noticed by the widest range of women. We stand out. They can see us. They look at us and admire us. Thin blokes exercise and the birds don’t look, they don’t notice. We fat bastards stand out. We are at an advantage. We can swim, run, lift weights, cycle, walk what ever you want. It works. Try it. Just wave and smile when you do it. Go up to them and talk to them. They will look shy, look down. Be gentle. Get their name and number if you want. Don’t worry if you can’t: most will get yours. They don’t normally do that. But when we’re out there, they can’t help themselves. Have you ever seen this with a thin blokes? Bet you haven’t.

OK, now, what do the thin blokes say? What do they say about us strimming down? Are you interested? No, me neither. But I’m going to tell, so that you can resist. We will resist together and be proud. Here it is: they say that if we slim down, we will live longer; we will have fewer illnesses, fewer doctors’ bills. They also claim, wrongly, that we won’t be able to keep our birds. OK. First off, do we want to live longer? Look at all the people that do. Do they have fun? No. Do we want to be like them? No. What about the illnesses? So what? More days off. What about the doctors bills? Never mind. If we can’t pay them, we’ll pass on, ready for the next life, if we have one. And the birds? No problem. There’s a big fish pond out there. Before I go further, we all know this. It’s our life’s chance and opportunity to be a fat bastard.

Finally, let’s sit down here together. Can you see all the fat people walking? Do they look happy? Of course, they do. We are all fat people together. Are you fat? Are you a super fat bastard? If you are, let us celebrate together. Join the Bangkok Unoffical Fat Bastards Club. It’s open to men and women, Foreign or Thai. Come, drink, eat and be happy!