Laew Tea Khun, Teeruk: It’s Up 2 U, my Love.

Legless and all at C

Eat Mushrooms

“Ooh, argh. It’s Jim here. I’m shipwrecked and all at sea. I’ve been smacked about the head, I av and I don’t know where I am. I don’t av a leg to stand on, I doesn’t. Take pity. Elp me out. Av a kind heart and help owt an old shipwrecked sailor. Ow about a smoke then, me lady? At least you cun do that. Or give this old un worn out gentleman of the C some grub. A sausage will do. Or if not, ow about a few golden nuggets. The ard uns. While yer about it, ow about some grogg, if yar can be asked. Youse can der that. That don’t take much, does it? Any ol snout will tell yer that. Av pity, for pity sake. Carn’t yer c I’m elp less and leg less? Where am I? Do tell me, pray, me lady. Where am I? I doesn’t even know where I am. It all looks black about. Where are yer? Don’t play about. I’s can ear yu. Just a minute ago I was on the high C. High as a kite I was and appy as a sand boy in loads of mud. Oh thank yer darling. You’re an angel. Now tell old Jim what yer want”. ( Legless Jim lurching in Pattaya all at C)

You’re bored, you are. You’re all at sea and legless. You want to fill you’re time. You’re staring out of the window and you don’t want to spend. You’re a stingy bastard, like me. You have to make your loot last. I’m the same. Like me, you want to live here but you’re looking for something to do to feel your day. No not fill! Feel. You think it’s fill. It’s not. You have to feel it. If you don’t feel it, you aint alive, bud. It’s existential and it’s not existential if you don’t feel you’re alive. Now what do you want? Here’s some ways mate you can feel the day and feel alive. Are you ready? I said are you ready? I am. Let’s feel it together. And can you hear the music? Hear it. Feel it. I’m calling all these ways to feel your day, num jai wild mushrooms, and they all have other special names. These mushrooms are deep and psychological. I’m nuts about wild mushrooms, especially Thai ones. Some are a bit scary, all are exciting. They’ll thrill you they will. Stay on your toes and be careful.

OK mate. Start off by really picking wild mushrooms in the dark, deep, dank, wet forests. You can eat them; you can sell them; you can exchange them for something else; you can give them away for nothing and eating mushrooms together with mates, giving them away to mates and other blokes and gals can help you to make more mates. I gave one gal some mushrooms and she ended up hungin me. Really she did. A bloke handed me a lao kao. Give something and you get something back, but not always what yer were thinking, or hopin. Sometimes better though, like a smile, a hug, a snog and a bit o grog. Sees yer.

OK, brother. It aint a one way street, now, don’t be selfish. Don’t keep it to yourself. Tell all of us about other mushroom ways we can feel the day. Be nam jai too. OK. Ready? Are you ready to feel the day with wild nam jai mushrooms? Are you ready to be nam jai? Give and take, give and break. Scratch mine and I’ll scratch yours. What do you want? It’s up to you. Here we go, here we go.

The first wild mushroom is called Babylon. I have tried it myself on many an occasion with huge success and happy satisfaction. One of the people I helped was called Flow. She was a lovely bird and stayed for three months. After that she could speak the lingo like a cockney. Well pleased, she was. Keep a bird in yer house or your room and speak to her in English, or another language she wants to know how to speak. You don’t charge her mind. Be nam jai. If she asks, what do you want? You says, it’s up to you, my love. Then sees what she gives yer.

Some advice: If you want to help people learn to speak, first, you need to have somewhere to stay. You can stay in a mate’s house when they are there or not there. They find you or you find them. He or she then stays with you for how ever long they want to and you want them to. You spend every day and all day talking to them and listening to them in the lingo. Correct their mistakes if you can. After some time, their spoken lingo gets better and they become grateful and stay grateful. You can also do this by the hour.

What’s more, if you have the gift of the lingo, you can also interpret and translate. People, especially birds, will flood to you asking for help. Do you have the gift of the lingo? If you do, good on yer. If you don’t, don’t worry about it, mate. If you elp em and they ask what do you want? You know what to say: It’s up to you, mate.

All right, the next wild mushroom is called Rag and Bones. You collect bottles, tins, paper, rags, plastic bowls and buckets and other objects that people want and you give them to her. When she asks you what you want, you know what to say: “It’s up to you my love”. And then see what she gives you. She might want to give you money or other objects, like plastic bowls and buckets. She might want to service you or become your mate. See what appens.

Good stuff so far. Are you ready for another one? This wild mushroom is called Off-Shore Winds. You provide stuff for birds overseas. What do I mean? You can write stuff and send it off through the Internet. There are loads out there around the world willing and waiting to receive written stuff. My mate Grimblelek has written hundreds. Send something in that fits the paper. If possible, make contacts and build relationships with their nashers. Those are the birds who can get you up front with the bloke or gal who will want you to write something, which is, in many cases, the editor.

Great nashers are usually PAs. You can start to build the relationship by providing something to the nasher for free. Give em some flowers. That does it. They will then be more inclined to help you out when you need it. Of course, you can provide many other off-shore services too, if you can. It depends what you can do. Here’s some ideas: building websites, running websites, computer programming and accounting. When you give it to em, they ask you what you want. Just say “It’s up to you, teerak.”

The next wild mushroom is called Immeubles. If You keep your eyes and ears open in and around the environment for people who are looking for properties and people who can supply them. You can pass this information on to a trusted agent, like my mate Mr Dick, if you want. When you set him up, he might ask what you want. You say, “It’s up to you”. Then he might buy you a beer. If you’re not appy, tell im, what you really want. He likes that. Still in immeubles, become a house-sitter like my old mate Buffalo James does in Chiang Mai. Look after someone’s house while they are away. Whatever else you get, you should at least expect to have a shower and stay rent free. House sitting is popular way with many blokes.

Are you ready for one more wild mushroom? OK. Here it is. It’s called Clowning. Go out and entertain people, especially birds, through your conversation, jokes, conjuring tricks, street tricks and singing. Go to entertainment venues and parties. Make them laugh. Entertain them. Make them feel good. I do. When she asks you what you want, you will know what to say: “It’s up to you”. Some birds will want to give you money for doing that, which you can refuse, and others will buy you drinks and food or provide you with a service, like a massage. It’s good if you can do this in loads of languages. Then you have a much bigger bowl of wild mushrooms.

Are you ready for more Mates and Birds? That’s what the next mushroom is called. That’s it: Mates and Birds, especially birds. When you go out and meet people and they get to like you and feel comfortable with you, they might want you to do something else for them too such as drive their car, ride their motorbike or keep them company in social environments. You know…rent a friend, just like they do in England now. When she asks you what you want, you’ll know what to say: “It’s up to…” You know what to say. You should at least get some food and drink and they might want to lend you some money too. Hey ho! As for lending money, be careful with that one. You might not get it back for loads of reasons, like many people are forgetful. Some people though might still want to express their gratitude to you in other ways if you do lend and they can’t give it back. If you’ve got it and you don’t want it, give it to them. And when they ask you want you want…

That’s enough from me for the moment. I’m exhausted feeling the day. A tiger is going to turn up in a minute. She wants me to give her a bit of conversation and energy. Now when she asks me what I want… Now there’s enough up there to get you thinking. Ask me what I want. It’s up to you. Share with the rest of us. You can also buy me a drink or a bit of grub when you see me out and about. Oh, there’s a roar at the door. Cheers then and wish me what I want.