THE GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED: Have you ever met a Thai geography teacher? I thought not. Most Thais would struggle to locate their own country on a map. As for the world beyond the kingdom’s boundaries, that is a closed book. “Is England close to Australia?” I was once asked by a girlfriend. “Er, no. They are …
10 things I hate about Bangkok (Part 6) by On Nutter Read More »
About 10 years ago, while sitting in a beer bar in Koh Samui, I overheard a conversation that set me on the path to becoming the greatest farang fortune teller in South East Asia. A bargirl was telling a customer about her great excitement and fear about flying to Germany to see her boyfriend – …
The longer you stay in Thailand, the cheaper you get. It’s just one of those things that happen. When I arrived here four years, eight months and 27 days ago (not that I’m counting), I had zero income but spent money like Imelda Marcos in a shoe shop. Now that I earn a UK-level salary …
BARGIRLS’ MOBILE PHONES: Have you ever met a bargirl whose phone does not have Bluetooth, email, digital camera, WAP, GSM, HSCSD, GPRS, SyncML, J2ME, MMS and a whole lot more unintelligible acronyms? Neither have I. It always puzzles me why anyone financing an extended family in Isaan, various unwell buffaloes and a Thai boyfriend would …
THE PISS ARTISTS: Happily, they are a dying breed, but all farangs will have come across them in go-go bar toilets. A Thai male lies in wait for the unwary pisser, armed with hot towels and debatable massage skills. It happened to me in Rainbow 1 in Nana Plaza recently. As I aimed my appendage …
THAI COUPLES: I can still remember the sense of shock I felt at seeing a Thai couple walking hand in hand for the first time. It was my third visit to Thailand and I had never witnessed this phenomenon before. On reflection, there is absolutely no reason why people of the same race, nationality, age, …
SUN DODGERS: Thais are generally dark-skinned and live in a tropical country. So why are they scared of the sun? It is a bit like Eskimos being frightened of snow. At the merest hint of an ultra-violet ray, you will see Thais running for shelter or pathetically trying to shield their heads with a newspaper …
There is no such thing as free sex in Thailand or anywhere else in the world. You probably knew that already, but this tale emphasises the point that, here in this crazy, upside-down country, good girls can be more expensive than bad girls. I met Som in Ayutthaya in January last year. She was in …
If I were to see a portly Thai in England, I would not dream of running over, poking him or her in the stomach and saying: “You’re a fat bastard.” So why is the reverse acceptable in the Land of Smiles? It has to be said that I am not the man I once was. …
FARANGS: Have you ever seen such a disreputable collection of beer-bellied, slack-arsed, sartorially challenged, binge-drinking, obnoxious losers? Farang men are even worse. THE SISTERHOOD: For many years I was puzzled as to why Thai girls had so many sisters. Even more confusing was that there often seemed no family resemblance – one sister would have …